Hi guys    My personal experience with separation involving kids is that it is never easy! I have been separated from the kid's mother for about 8 years or so. Unfortunately things had deteriorated to the point where it has adversely affected the kids (boys 15 & 16, daughter 9).     My eldest son has been depressed, had suicidal thoughts, self harmed, had a lot of "issues" with school and has dropped out of year 10. My younger son has missed up to about half of year 8 hiding in his room and has been depressed. My daughter has been taken from my care (50/50) by her mother and is also denied court ordered contact with me.    That is where we've been.  But with a lot of love and patience things have turned around. The eldest is enrolled in his pre-apprenticeship course, is happier, is on the right medication, and is about to be discharged from his mental health service. The youngest son gets to about 9 out of 10 of his classes (not perfect but I'll take it!),  has reconnected with his peers from his primary school days which has made him more outgoing and so much happier.  The daughter... well I don't get a say. But I know that she loves me and that she knows I love her. To know that will do for now.   To get to this point though has been a rocky road where I've been unable to cope... until I did. Had too. I have learnt the hard way that kids need to see their parents coping and NOT coping because that is what their emotional touch-stone is. It is a reference point for how they behave. And if you try to hide behind a sense of duty and stoicism they will know it as surely as they when you are angry. They will suffer. To admit to your kids that you are wrong, weak or sad IS NOT in itself weak. My boys could immediatley identified with what I was going through and ironically this helped us all to move on.   That ^ and removing the conflict. And in my case that has meant the pleasure of looking after two strapping young lads on a full time basis. ... View more

Hi there @Aussiemom   I know from personal experience what it feels like when your son does not want to go to school... extremely frustrating!   You obviously care about family and only want what is best for all of them... but you seem to be at a loss and frustrated which is leading to conflict.  I imagine the arguments would solve very little in the scheme of things and would be "going around in circles"?   It seems as though your son has placed emphasis on the social aspect of school and not so much on the academic or possible vocational outcomes.  That is not such a bad thing!  The gaming and the late night phone use would most likely be an extenstion of his socialising activities?  Maybe you could play to this social aspect of school and have him keep up reasonable attendance based on "hanging out" with his friends?  Talk to him about options other than high school, but in the meantime take away the spectre of "school grades, education, performing, higher education, etc.. etc..."  It seems obvious he does not want to be there for any of those reasons anyway.   I think it is a great idea that you are exploring other avenues including training or employment.  In my opinion that is definitely the direction you should pursue but in a collaborative way.  What motivated my 16 year old was giving him a sense of his own independance by him opening up a savings account, getting a tax file number, getting his own medicare card, and applying for youth allowance.  He did this with some assistance (I bought him an Opal Card for NSW travel), but essentially it was on him to do it.  If nothing else it taught him that life is more than eat, sleep, game, repeat!   I do know that TAFE offers "pre-apprenticeship" courses that are government funded.  These are seen by industry as almost a pre-requisite for an apprenticeship (that or year 12).  Numbers are usually limited on a first in basis.  Even if he decides that he did not want to pursue that particular trade it still looks good on the CV.  Also, there are other training avenues that have VET-fee funding similar to HECS, where the training costs are paid up front by the government, and then you pay it back after you earn past a threshold.  We are heading into the mid-year break and I know that some course have mid-year enrolments.  This is only small window into the training opportunities.   @Aussiemom I know that this would be a lot to think about and a big shift away from than "just keep pushing him to school".  But I believe that if he has no reason or endgame in mind for high school that this could actually be your's and his opportunity to turn it around and set him on the path to independance and personal responsibility.    I would really appreciate your thoughts, especially if I'm way off the mark on some of my assumptions!!  ... View more

Hi @joanne ... i can definitely understand why you would be so stressed out! It sounds like there are a lot of negatives surrounding the situation with expectations not being met, "running away", a satanist BF, and now the pregnancy! Oh my!  My impression is that you have tried and failed to fix this by going into solution mode... you know what is best given your experience and then have prescribed the solution... only this has aroused "it's my life and I'll do what I want!" response.    As @Mitzi pointed out communication is very important, but to have meaningful or effective communication is key. Please have a look at this video that has some really good tips on effective communication. You obviously care very much about your daughter and only want what's best. If you use this care to show your love and empathy whilst communicating it can only be a good thing. Acceptance of the situation too without putting any judgement on your daughter or her choices... i know that would definitly be difficult... a satanist BF is not what you had in mind I'm guessing!?   Last bit of advice... don't give any ultimatums, don't let this be the "thing" that could pull your family apart. Try to work it so that you can all look back and say we got through that TOGETHER. Good luck!  And please, if it helps, let us know how you are going. You are doing a fantastic job by caring so much and are very brave in talking about it. Thank you for sharing!  ... View more

Hey @Mitzi I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single parent. The fact that your son has at least one parent cognizant of the issues surrounding gender roles is a win. And you are wrong that you cannot teach him how to be a man. From my perspective (male of the species!) the most important "man lesson" you can give, and only as a mum, is how women should be treated. All the rest of his "man-lessons" are only about work, sport, food, sex, etc... in the scheme of things if they know how to treat women and by extension their fellow man all the rest will fall into place. Don't be sad! Be happy that your son will be a better man because of you!  ... View more

This is a really great initiative!  I like how it is not just a panel of "experts", paticularly the inclusion of the "NRL State of Mind" program and other dads. It is really hard to talk about mental health with boys because they want to be like their peers and their role models... tough and in control. Which we know is total BS! To see tough footy players say that it is ok to talk about these things and that you're not alone helps dads and sons, and can teach us the tools we need to be there when we're really needed.   It is still really difficult to get around the stigma of mental health issues, paticularly with males (dads & sons). My experience from having two teen boys; working in a trade environment (overwhelmingly male); and now teaching apprentices is that there is acknowledgement that males do have have mental health issues (derr) but the language we use to discuss it is still very biased towards stigmatising. For example if you display an emotional response that is not seen as tough (as in being a hard c#*t) you are then seen as being soft, a pussy, a 'sooky-la-la', a girl... and to remedy such a turn of events it is suggested that you stop your whinging; or take a tablespoon of concrete and 'harden the f#*k up'. When we can get around the notions that it is laudable for males to be seen as "strong and silent" or "aggressive and in control" the better off we'll be.     Hopefully programs like this will help. I would have liked to have seen it a bit more widespread... Tamworth and Orange!? That should have been just to start! ... View more

Hey @MeJane... I took your advice and spoke to my son about "warning signs"... we discussed how his ex was possessive and territorial ("she use to steel my food and I didnt like it!") too emotional and needy ("she used to cry all the time!")... etc, etc   He doesn't think his new GF is like that... physically they are taking their time and just hugging which is great to know.  Last time I think that it got physical too quick, before they got to know one another. Also she seems to have really good boundaries, for example she is doing her own thing this weekend ("some 'make-up thing'... I dunno dad!.. and family stuff"). And he is cool with that... let's him do his own thing too.   Given what he told me I was really happy for him, it seems like this could be the beginning of a "normal" relationship. We did finish with a reminder on what he may want to look out for... early warning signs, or moments that seem familiar in a bad way.   Thanks again @MeJane... i would probably would have just have left him alone (no news is good news!) without your idea to continue the convo... great idea!  ... View more

Hey @Mitzi... I've felt the stress and uncertainty that comes from suddenly not knowing your kid's whereabouts! The good 'ol days (before mobiles) it was like you said, street address and land lines, and that was all to be expected. I definitely don't think you're too strict, you're  just showing that you care... another solution might be to make sure he has his charger or a charge-pack? He probably hated having a flat battery anyway, so he may jump on that one as a "great idea mum!"   It seems like there is a lot of mutual respect and love there... It sounds like your "catasrophising" is seen by your son in that light. I think it's great, and it seems that you have already struck a balance between "freedom v boundaries" given what you have said about how you two communicate. Thanks for sharing @Mitzi  ... View more

Well... colour me impressed!   Firstly, thank you for the kind reassurance from everyone regarding the communication that I have with my son.  I sometimes take our relationship for granted because he has always worn his heart on his sleave, and one way or another has 'expressed' himself.   I agree with your advice @MeJane that it is important to keep the dialogue going particularly about "warning signs".  Thank you, I'll definitely follow up on that cause I know given his previous relationship that he would know what the "habits/behaviours" look/feel like.   @StHubbins I am optimistic but wary! You are right though, you should always be optimistic about your kids... aim for the best, prepare for worst, and be happy with anywhere in the middle   @Mitzi I love your grounded, realistic view on teenagers!! Very wise! We can give all the sage advice we like but at the end of the day we can only hope that they will be happy... it is their life!   I can really relate to the "told you so" moments/temptations @Xena__!! Sometimes my tongue's bleeding from biting down so hard!!  I don't know if you meant it but I thought your post was pretty funny and light hearted... maybe it just reminded me of how I generally communicate with my boys... there is a lot humour involved.     ... View more

I love winter! Slow cooked meals, the lawn grows slow, plenty of footy to watch, cosying up in bed with some good reading material, hot chocolates, binge watching a TV series, camping trips with an open fire roasting marshmallows, mulled wine... love it! ... View more

Hi there @Murgatroyd   My guess is that he's probably up past midnight doing really "important" stuff like social networking, youtubing, gaming, etc?!  If so I'd only be concerned if this behaviour impinges on any responsibilities or if he does start to show signs of mental health issues.   Is he looking forward to his TAFE course?  Do you think something to do (like TAFE) will provide the motivation to get him out of bed?   If all else fails my boys usually respond to "brekkie's ready!" ... View more

I am not a mum (obviously!) but I definitely relate as a single dad to how strange 15 & 16 year old boys are. Especially disappearing milo tins, or more often the case nutella jars!    Even as a dad you still only have a dim recollections of what it was like at their age. I guess I should cut them a bit more slack when they "forget" every single day to pack/unpack the dishwasher    Thanks @Mitzi  ... View more

Wow @Olliez-Finches! Really inspiring stuff ☺Loved reading your story 💙 ... View more

Hi there @CareBear    I definitely understand how you must feel, I too have been through very similar "complex family circumstances". I have been through a 13 year emotionally abusive relationship, a messy separation (never married), court cases, consent orders, breaches of orders, false accusations, recriminations, two sons both displaying behavioural "issues", a son that has self harmed, blame, heartache, tears, and on... and on... and on... for the last eight years!   The best advice I can give is STOP. The conflict is obviously still ongoing. There is nothing gained by going through an adversarial process (courts) in the forlorn hope that it will fix ANYTHING. You and the Dad know what is in the best interest of your son and believe me continuing the conflict is not.   I am speaking from personal experience as one caring parent to another. I know that you have concerns about your sons behaviour and the roll that Dad has to play, but I know that conflict only makes it worse. The behavioural issues started with divorce and it sounds like they have only gotten worse in line with the continuing conflict. Whether you and Dad try to keep the conflict from your son, he will pick up on it in so many ways.   Unless there are legitimate concerns for you or your children's safety I would let your son decide on how things should work moving forward. He knows you both love him and that is something that he would not be able to reconcile with the current situation. The behaviour he is displaying is a natural reaction to his world at the moment. Give him a voice but make sure he is realistic. No, you and Dad will not be getting back together! But I believe you can show him through love and understanding that he is more important than the differences you have with Dad. Nothing would show that more than stopping the conflict.   Obviously this is only my humble opinion and I am not suggesting in anyway that you disregard any legal advice or take anything I have said as legal advice. My advice is motivated purely out of concern for the mental health of you, Dad and especially your son.   Things will get better, it just takes time, patience and love. My best wishes @CareBear      ... View more

Hi there @YellowMango  Such a difficult conversation and topic! Unfortunately we live in a culture that still sees drinking as a rite of passage. It is really an uphill battle trying to teach our kids "responsible drinking" when all their peers drink to get drunk.   I teach apprentices and can still identify with the conversations they have about drinking. Things have changed very little since I was an apprentice (about 30 years ago  ).    Personally I try teach my sons that moderation is key. They are going to drink, I know and accept that but I hope that they won't over do it. I also try to make them understand the risks involved and that I will ALWAYS be there if they need me. I would rather be a 24hr Uber service than have to go to the police station or, worse still, hospital.   Also, doing fun things with your teens that don't include drinking is important.  Kids do model a lot of their behaviour on cues from their parents. I'm not a perfect example of this but! I like to have drink occasionally along with BBQ's, camping trips, socialising with friends, etc. But I'm pretty sure that they know it is not essential for having fun. They DO see me have fun without a drink.    ... View more

Hi @ziggystarmum    I find with my 16 year old when he is feeling bad that that is exactly the wrong time to try and help him. It's a bit of a Catch-22! I try and and help him when he has a little win and build on a positive rather highlight a negative. It's so tricky but.   It sounds like your son has a lot of positives that you could maybe use to help turn things around? Is it possibly self esteem issues? You did mention that he "probably feels as though people will think he's stupid".  The teen site has a good fact sheet on self esteem that might be helpful.   I can really empathise with that helpless, sad feeling of wanting to help your teen who's obviously struggling. I hope it's not bringing you down too much and please keep the conversation going if it helps even a little.  ... View more

Hi there @Ollie-Finches and thanks for sharing your story    It seems like you are definitely heading in the right direction if things are improving. I would like to know how YOU got through it and are managing it!? Is there an inspirational story hiding in there that could inspire others who aren't as far along on their journey with caring for someone with an anxiety disorder? Like you said it's a "tough road" and obviously you have what it takes to see it through. Bravo!   I don't have any personal experience with OCD but my son (16) has suffered from anxiety attacks. He also suffers from depression and is now on medication which has helped. And like you it took a long time before he got the type of help he needed! Before the medication I could see when the anxiety was starting to kick in, he would become fidgety and would tap away with his foot. He's also seeing a psychologist who is using mindfulness techniques to treat his depression and things are improving. I remind him all the time that we'll get through this together and that I love him.   I did have a read of the OCD Fact Sheet from the ReachOut site for under 25. The most common treatment is cognitive behaviour therapy CBT. Is this your son's treatment? If so how do you think he's going with it?     Once again thank you for sharing and hang in there, you are doing a great job!  ... View more

Hi @ziggystarmum  I know personally how it feels to see your teen depressed... it can be a little contagious! I hope you're doing ok. I would be interested to know if your son sees the relationship as a contributing factor to his depression? Does the relationship suffer because of his HSC stress, or vice-versa? If he feels like he is pressured by the relationship maybe he could discuss with his girlfriend about giving him alone time for his studies?  I know it's so hard with "young love" because boundaries tend drop away, and nothing else seems to matter... until you have to function in the "real world"!  Nothing is more "real" for teens than the HSC!!! ... View more

Hey @Sophie-RO... Done! You know you're a single parent when... is now in the Chill Out section! ... View more

Good points @readthemanual it can definitely have its advantages too! ... View more

Hi @Mitzi. I agree that good advice needs to be for all parents and no a light hearted coversation about any "type" of parent is not flippant! I was thinking about a discussion thread that single parents could immediately identify with, something unique to our set of circumstances. I do think that we have challenges that parents in 'normal' families do not face. You know your a single parent when you're a dad getting mothers day gifts.☺ ... View more

Hi there @Poppa_bear and welcome to the parent forums! I don't have much knowledge on aspergers but it sounds like there is a natural grieving process due to the loss of a loved one (the separation). I know that denial is a part of that process. I am not sure if this process is the same for aspies? Is it possible that she is still processing the loss and is stuck at the denial stage or just taking her time about it?! Is there any way you can support her in getting to the final stage of acceptance? Would be very interested in your opinion or insight on how your daughter has handled other losses in her life and if her process was similar to the 'normal' grieving process? This would be tough situation and I hope it's not weighing too much on you. Please don't forget we as parents need to look after ourselves first so we can then be there for our kids! ... View more

I will confess to having an extremely laissez faire approach to technology and screen time. I have two boys 15 & 16 who both spend a lot of time using technology (mostly their phones).  I have learned the hard way that if I try to limit or prohibit their access to their tech I end up isolating them and making them unhappy.     I would even go as far to say that technology can be healthy and therapeutic for teens.  My 15 year old was suffering from depression and anxiety, and one of the things that helped him most was his PS4 gaming.  He would play online with his friends and suddenly this sullen, withdrawn teen was laughing and engaging with his peers in a positive way!  This led to him reconnecting with his mates from primary school (who then went to different high schools), and then to socialising (offline!) with numerous sleep overs, camping trips, going to the movies, etc.  All the stuff we see as "normal" behaviour.   We are social creatures and teens are no exception, the tech is merely a tool! ... View more

Hello and welcome to the parents forum @Sbaussie!    It sounds like you have stumbled into the secret life of your teen and are a little lost on how to best handle it? I think you may have to have a broader conversation with your daughter rather than attemp to prohibit her behaviour.  Have you asked your daughter why she accessed these sites? Was it simple curiosity? Did she enjoy it or feel guilty watching it? Did she do it because her peers were doing it? You did say "she'd been watching a fair bit" so she would certainly have an opinion.  I know that it would be really hard to ask these simple types of questions given that it is essentially about sex... and who likes having sex talks (at any age!) with their parents!? Could it possibly be natural sexual curiosity on her part?   I do understand your concerned regarding your teen accessing pornography or 'soft porn'... I would be too.  However, I don't I believe you can simply prohibit ANYTHING with teens without either making them more curious about it (what's all the fuss?!) or making them feel bad (guilty); and in both cases more likely to hide their behaviour. And, trying to police your teens access to internet content would be extremely difficult.  Teens are extremely tech savvy and love to have unfettered access with smart phones, youtube, snap chat, messaging, email, mobile data roaming, free wi-fi, friends wifi logon, etc, etc.  So...  if there is a will, they will find a way.  Maybe the solution is not with policing and prohibiting access to what teens see as their right to the www?     Maybe open a dialogue regarding acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in every day life?  I am sure that your daughter would have a sense of your values?  If so you can only hope that they make decisions based on positive values.  Of course in an ideal world your teen would heed your sage advice! But don't they love making their own mistakes!!!   Have you had a look at Effective Communication?  This might help you to open a dialogue with your daughter.     Please let me know what you think and how things are going. Good luck!     ... View more

Today I'm grateful for my mum and dad who have come to stay for a few days before heading off to the Kimberly coast for a few months. Yes... they are grey nomads! ... View more