Lonely Life

[CandyGirl]

I am a 33 year old mother. I have had a really lonely life so far. My Mum was abusive and my Dad left when I was 2. Everyone in my family is sort of abusive it's a very toxic system and I got out of it. I am actually sick of sharing this part of my story because it's just **bleep** sad, and it's my life. I think about the abuse every day I get flashbacks of it. My own child is Autistic, and ADHD, so am I and I struggle with CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety. Going out to social things feels isolating, lonely, being at work felt isolating, lonely and I hated my stupid retail job which I'm now quitting. I have no idea which direction to take my life and my closest friends abandoned me during pregnancy over 7 years ago. I've had several failed friendships since then because I was attracted to abusive people subconsciously, just like my family. I'm finally starting to recognise patterns of abuse and overcome myself with meditation. But I still feel lonely. I don't think I've had one true person in my support network apart from my partner. Even I have my struggles with him though because of his own trauma he's overcoming, he gives me a lot of anxiety too. Our dog, the cherry on top lol we decided to get a dog for our son as a support animal. Turns out the dog had a hemivertebrae (kinked spine) and within 2 weeks of owning him his back legs are disabled and he can't walk on them. He's incontinent and has to be bathed regularly. I'm emotionally exhausted, burned out. I have no friends or people to vent this frustration to who would actually care. And I just feel really angry right now, angry and SAD that this is what life has dealt me. I'm recently only in touch with my emotions and this is what I'm coming up with. I've started streaming my game League of Legends at night time cause I'm pretty good at it and I feel anxious about that too. 

[Bailey_RO]

Hey @CandyGirl 

Welcome to the ReachOut Youth Community.

Thank you so much for being so open and honest about what you have been going through, it takes a lot of courage to do and isn’t always easy so you should be really proud of yourself for taking that step.

It sounds like you have had a lot going on in your life since you were very young and we are very sorry to hear this. We are really glad that you have found our forums and have been able to reach out for some support.

I know that you mentioned that you have been feeling very lonely and I am sorry to hear this. Loneliness is something that we all experience and it can be really difficult to be going through and you are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I know you mentioned that your closest friends abandoned you over 7 years ago while you were pregnant and that must have been really tough to go through. I was wondering if you have ever considered joining any local mum groups, or even hobbies/groups in your local area? Sometimes it can be harder to form friendships as adults, but other times friends can come when you least expect it!

I was also wondering if you have any professional supports of if this is something that you might consider? I know you mentioned that you have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Depression and anxiety and was wondering if you have received any support for this such as through a GP or Mental health professional? If you would prefer to speak to someone online you can also connect with Beyondblue that provides one on one mental health support.

I also know that you mentioned that you experienced a lot of abuse from your family growing up, and that you don’t want to share that part of your story which is very understandable. I did want to let you know that if you would ever like to talk about this with someone, and would like some one on one support you can contact 1800-Respect. They are a free domestic and family violence counselling service that is available 24/7. They also have a lot of resources on the website as well.

It also sounds like you have recently been in touch with your emotions which is good to hear. I was wondering if there was anything else you have been doing recently to help prioritise your own wellbeing and take care of you? It sounds like you are already doing so much to care for your family and your dog, and it is also just as important that you are taking care of you and practicing some self-care.

We hope you know that the Online Community are all here for you and you aren’t alone. We are always here if you are ever wanting to vent, or needing some support. We do care. 

We look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Take care. 

[CandyGirl]

No I don't have any therapist or support. Every time I tried to get that it was too expensive even with mental health plan. And the therapists i saw were invalidating and not trauma informed. I really cant afford it while trying to support adhd autistic child and also having adhd and being terrible with money. I studied psychology for 10 years some of those years were at uni but I couldnt continue uni with my issues. I know the psychology behind what is wrong with me down to every symptom, what caused it, and what supposedly fixes it. I am an intelligent Autistic person with an intense interest in trauma and psychology. (Special interest in Autistic terms). I do all the self care I do all the things I'm meant to and it doesnt change how I feel. Everything i do feels exhausting. Existing feels exhausting. I am depleted and life feels like torture. I do not have suicidal thoughts but its exhausting. I have talked to sane hotline, ive thoroughly talked about my trauma with people to the point i do not feel the need to anymore thats what i mean by I dont want to talk about it ive talked it to death. I am lonely, isolated, i have no help raising my child apart from another person with the same issues as me. My life right now i depressing. My past? Thats just one small part of it. Where its lead me to is whats upsetting me right now.

[CandyGirl]

As for mums groups im on an app called peanut to look for people but haven't found anyone who can be bothered replying for any length of time they make a bit of small talk and then ghost.

[Stormy-RO]

Hey @CandyGirl ,

I can really hear that you are coming from a place of feeling alone and exhausted from everything that's happened to you. It sounds like you are very aware of the stress and trauma that you have experienced, and have taken all the steps you can to seek professional help and yet are left upset with where things are right now. This makes a lot of sense, and it's okay to not want to talk about the past again, especially if it feels like you've talked to death about it. You have been incredibly resourceful with help-seeking through all these years and that's something that is really admirable and shows your resilience to overcoming challenges.

It sounds like you are going through a stage where managing the feelings you're having currently is more important to you than what has happened in the past. In its own way, this is a big step towards being able to look after yourself right now and in the future. I was wondering if it would help to take time for self-care and to reflect on what is valuable for you right now? You mentioned that you've started streaming League of Legends and that is an amazing accomplishment, not many people would do this and you should be proud! It sounds like this is something that helps give you an escape from your daily life, and I was wondering if you have been able to build any skills or connections from your time playing LoL?

I can see you have a lot on your shoulders looking after your son who is autistic and has ADHD too. I was curious to know whether you have been able to get supports as a carer for him? There are a number of carer support services available which may provide counselling and other resources. There are also organisations like Carers QLD, who have programs and events to look after your wellbeing or connect with others. Maybe these could be some avenues for you to get support or connect with others?

[CandyGirl]

Thanks for hearing me. I have only just started the streaming, I've been doing it about a week or so now. A little over a week. I was hoping I would build up a community but it's a bit slow. I've started editing some videos for posting on youtube. I did run an art business online for a couple of years before deciding it wasn't for me. So I have a lot of knowledge on growing a community so hopefully this benefits me. I've been playing league for 10 years. I am in the top 10% in the country of people who play it. I dont have as much time for it as I used to have with my son. Can only really play when he's asleep as he is a kid with a lot of needs and needs a lot of constant attention and affection. I think maybe he inherited some of my partner and my issues. He struggles with feelings of anxiety etc as well. I have not accessed any support for caring for him. It's been a lonely and exhausting journey. I will try and check out the links you sent. 

[Astra-RO]

Hey @CandyGirl 

I'm glad you're feeling more heard on here. It sounds like you're more looking for practical support and connection around how isolated and exhausted you've been feeling? You have so much on your plate: looking after your son, your dog, your partner, all while managing your own mental health. While your partner is someone you feel connected to, it's difficult because he's going through his own struggles. 

The League of Legends streaming sounds like a nice way to focus on yourself when you can, you must be very good at it, having played for 10 years!

I hope you find the carer resources helpful if you get the chance to check them out- we'd love to hear your thoughts

I hope you're finding the community a safe and supportive place and continue to reach out