Hi @Justin_T
Sounds like things have got very messy... not that blending families is ever easy!
With you have a mix of part-time and full time children on both sides of the blending you definitely have a complex situation to deal with.
I always like to try on focus on what we can do moving forward as we can't fix the past. We can acknowledge and learn from the past and hopefully avoid the mistakes of the past.
It does seem you are making HUGE decisions very quickly..
- move in a new partner and 2 sons after a few months
- ask her to move out
- ask her not to move out
I would suggest Slowing down in make such big decisions.
Having big changes like these being make a large impact on peoples lives. If people involved don't feel like they have been considered and had time to adjust to the ideas it will make them feel powerless and that is going to cause issues.
This is especially true of Teens who are struggling to take control of their own lives.
When you daughter says "She says that she feels like she's living with strangers" - that is a valid point of view. It takes a long time to get to know people. Having strangers in your house when you sleeping can be quite unsettling for some people.
It sounds like you have explained to your daughter that you are going from Single family to blended back to Single then changed back to blended in a very short time. That would make anyone feel like things are spinning out of their control. You are making the decisions and eve you seem to be feeling that way.
Teens are struggling with who they are becoming and finding themselves. I suspect your daughter might be struggling herself to understand her feelings so it is not surprising she is struggling to explain them to you.
These feelings may also change based on the most recent experiences so it not surprising your daughter is hard to understand.
With respect to your mother telling you that you are running your family, one thing I learnt from my partner and looking at blending families is that your parent has no idea what the dynamic is inside your family and while good intention your mother really is not in a position to judge, no one else is. No one can tell you if you are doing the right thing or not. Different people have different views on what the right thing is for a start so no one can answer this but yourself.
What I would suggest (as I said before) is slow down in making big decisions and involve all those impacted before coming to a final decision. These are impacting many peoples lives and flip flopping is only increasing stress and tension in the relationships. I am three years on in trying to blend my partners family with mine and I can assure you any of the decisions that were made in haste ended well.
You say you are engaging and trying to understand your daughters perspective.
This is great and you need to continue this. (Second suggestion)
It is possible you new partner has not done anything and could be the nicest person in the world and your daughter wont like the idea of you and your partner together. Especially if your ex and your daughter have issues she would be particularly sensitive to being "replaced" by your new partner in your attentions and schedule.
My last suggestion is make sure you are spending time with your daughter to make her feel she is still very important to you and is not being replaced. If you have a "thing" you do together make it a priority. If you don't find a common interest and make it your thing and a PRIORITY and exclusive to the two of you.
For my daughter and I it is cooking.. that is our "thing" and we spend time on the weekends doing that.
