Parent overload

[Maxxis_Gurl]

My mother has been staying with us since early last year due to health concerns
DS13 is constantly butting heads with grandma. She takes his phone off him as punishment for backchatting/uncompleted jobs etc.
DS tonight lost it with grandma for  taking his phone away aover something trivial. The bin lid had food on it and she told him to clean it. He started to albiet with typi al teen attitude, and replied  'I was going to clean it'.
Then starts world war three hundred and twenty seven.
She believes he is impertinent and speaks over the top of him, he - not being heard or being able to finish gets louder. She takes his phone, he is still trying to explain his actions amd find out what he did to warrant her wrath. In the end she takes his phone off him for the entire weekend till monday. Today is friday. He says its unfair, she adds more time and tells him to go away. He calls her controlling.
She uses her phone just as much as he does. Yet he is addicted.
I believe my son is outspoken and have said to him about speaking to adults with respect. I also know he will do anything you ask of him, sometimes with attitude sometines without - but always does what is asked.
I have noticed my mum tries to take over my parenting role - sometines overriding my decisions or outright verbally going against my parenting infront of the kids, and gets super **bleep**ty if she is called out on things.
She likes to talk about certain things happening in the news or watch programs no one else likes, and gets really insulting and crabby if you dont express interest in them while she is forcing them down your throat. If you dont listen she will make phonecalls to her friends and talk with them about it... while your in the loungeroom with the kids trying to watch tv.
Its very complex.
Just not sure how to deal with this.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Maxxis_Gurl , thanks for sharing with us. It sounds like things are really hard for you and your family at the moment and that the situation you are in is complicated. You mentioned that you are having some conflict with your mum around parenting your children. It sounds like it would be helpful for you to have an honest discussion with your mum about how her type of parenting conflicts with the way that you would like to parent your children. It might be helpful for you to raise some of the concerns that you have shared with us here and you could mention how you appreciate that she is trying to help but that you believe the punishment she is implementing is not too helpful. Does that sound like something that you think would be worthwhile?

[JAKGR8]

This is really tough and seems to build conflicting emotions for you. 

I figure you mum thinks she is helping you which probably makes her feel good.  It might be time to have the "You be the grandparent and I'll be the parent" chat.  This is not an easy conversation. You might want to take her out for coffee - somewhere public - if you think it could get heated. 

It is important for you to remind her that she is living in your house because she needs to. You can acknowledge her love, experience and contributions to the household.  You value her suggestions, however, that is all they are, suggestions. You can say things like;

• that's good idea
• i hadn't thought of that
• i'll think about it
• yeah but nah 

Than have a consistent and clear set of expectations for the household where everyone knows their rights and responsibilities AND consequences. A mature teen should just need a verbal reminder, redirection and then a follow through. 

Also,  she isn't going to be around forever so ask her to be the fun one. Ask her to be the one her grandson wants to go to for help and advice - your backup adult. Ask her to be the 'good' guy for a while and see how their relationship changes. He might do more for if she changes tack. Unless their being in cahoots leads to more trouble for you of course. Both my parents and in laws are going through health crisis'  at the moment and they are so glad they took the fun role. 

Good luck. I'd love to know how it goes.