Significant other sleepovers

[Ob1234]

Not sure where to even start, but here goes. My 19 (almost 20) daughter keeps wanting to sleepover at her lesbian girlfriend s house. My daughter claims they don't sleep together, and she stays In the guest room, but that's not the only point.

My opinion is NO, since if this were a boyfriend we won't even be having this conversation. Besides the morality of it all I also think my daughter needs more discipline an impulse control in her life. But she tends to be very spontaneous with no thought to long term consequences. I'm torn between letting her answer for her actions and guiding and teaching her self control. Maybe she's already too old for that? Besides, the heart wants what the heart wants?

My daughter is a good kid, gets excellent grades, has a great work ethic and is always working, but this issue is really straining us. She had some abusive boyfriends in the past, and sees a counselor to help with her issues, and just came out as a lesbian herself when she met her new friend. But when she falls for someone, she falls hard, so I think she's setting herself up again.

My wife seems to side with my daughter because she seems happier when they're together, and her past abusive relationships really tore her up. This is driving a wedge between us too.

Advice or thoughts? 

Thanks in advance....

[JAKGR8]

Oh yeah, it’s hard to know when to step back. It is so tempting to protect, especially girls, for too long. 

Maybe it is too late. Have you told her why your reticent? Have you explained that your heart parent understands but your head parent is screaming no?

I am not sure how much you can stop a 19yo but you could set her up for success. 

Maybe letting them stay at your house first with seperate sleep arrangements, then with the door open. Honest conversation the next day. Emphasis on your availability for support. Requests for your daughter to talk about how it is all going.

I know our daughter understood when I explained we would be more open to her spending time with her bf if she just shared how or why he made her feel good. We wanted to know why he was the current bf. It helped her see the heart parent in us. Also we joke a lot so I talked about their actions affecting me and always considering that in their decision making. Having said that, I did speak to both of them about responsible choices while they trapped int the car for a 20 minute drive. Went well though as it was a respectful chat. 

Checkout this his podcast I just listened to if you have time. https://talkingtoteens.com/resolving-conflicts-with-teens/

Good luck. 

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Ob1234 and welcome to the forums

It is hard to know how far we should go in guidance, or just letting teens discover things on their own. I can see from your post you really care about your daughter's wellbeing, watching someone else go through abusive relationships can be tough and it's absolutely okay to want the best for your daughter in her future relationships. Have you been able to talk to your daughter about your concerns? Being open and honest with her about how you're feeling may help both of you understand and come to a decision on next steps.

@JAKGR8 has also provided some excellent advice on what you can do next, have you had a chance to try any of the suggestions out? 

I hope things are going well