If I ground my teen from a concert that gets cancelled, can't I ground him from something else?

[RichardC]

After he broke a curfew rule several times after repeated warnings, I grounded my 16-year-old son from attending a concert with his friends he had been looking forward to. A few hours before showtime, the (outdoor) concert was cancelled because of heavy rain. No make-up date was announced. So instead I grounded him from a church group waterpark outing that is coming up in a few weeks. Both my son and his younger sister (whom we’ve already have nicknamed “our little lawyer”) say this is unfair. My wife is keeping quiet but she privately told me I am being unreasonable. The kids argue that the punishment was that my son could not go to the concert--and he didn’t go. I say the cancellation negated the grounding as there was nothing to be grounded from. As a parent, I can lay down discipline as I see fit, but I like think of myself as fair. I also don't want my son to think he "got off on a technicality." We agreed to post the question on a discussion board to see if there was a consensus either way.

[Tulip]

Hi @RichardC this is a tricky one eh, technically he is not going to the concert that I guess he was really looking forward to. Its hard punishing kids when no one backs you up and you can look like a bad cop. When my daughter was 9 she stole $20 so I banned her from the schools Xmas concert. I wasn't popular either but she will never steal from me again. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Also my ex didn't back me up either or anyone for that matter .

[Bren-G_]

Hi @RichardC, I agree, that's a tricky predicament. I can only offer my own experiences with my similarly-aged daughter. I too grounded her, in our case from going to a supervised party that her friends were also going to. She was grounded due to giving what I believed was an unacceptable (expletive-laden) response to a question. The party was subsequently cancelled! I had a long conversation with her to explain to her that there are consequences for misbehaving in 'the real world', and asked her what SHE believed an acceptable consequence was. She ended up suggesting her own 'punishment'.

It's not an easy process but I found that my daughter actually owned her own behaviour when she was given the opportunity to understand it (she of course initially suggested that she shouldn't bear any consequences!). It also gave her an understanding of other peoples' boundaries and she felt a little more empowered in herself.

It's a delicate conversation and only you will know whether this is right for you and your circumstances, but I hope this helps a little.

[Happy]

Hi @RichardC
This one is a little tricky but I would have to agree with your lawyer daughter.
You grounded your son from the concert and he accepted this as his punishment for breaking curfew. This would of upset him and the days leading up to the concert he would of felt left out and frustrated that he couldn’t attend. During this time he would reflected and realised that breaking the rules is something he wouldn’t want to do again.
I hope this helps !

[taokat]

Hey @RichardC, I think it's absolutely your decision as a parent as to what you do, and as others have said, it's a tricky one with no right or wrong answer I believe.

My suggestion would be to talk with your son before making a decision. Ask him why he was punished, what he learnt from it. Be completely fair, if you feel he has got it and learnt from his mistake, I wouldn't transfer the punishment to something else. As you say, the concert was cancelled on the day, so hopefully that gave him the time to think about things. 

If you feel he hasn't gained a lesson, explain to him why you feel he didn't learn and so are transferring the grounding.

Let us know what the outcome is! 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @RichardC,

How are you going this week? There have been a lot of different ideas from personal experiences posted here and lots of support from the community. Was this helpful in making your decision? We'd love to hear how you are going 

[Parent4]

I don't really believe there is a "right" answer to this. It is hard to say one way or the other. As it was not your sons fault that the concert was cancelled, It seems slightly harsh to punish them for that. 

That being said, I understand where your coming from, there should still be some sort of punishment.