Teen daughter with BOD

[Mumtofour]

Hi, I have just now found this forum.

I have a 16.5yr old daughter that has a provisional diagnosis of BPD, there is a strong family history of mental health issues.

I have been struggling with my daughter for over 12 months now to the point that she drains me so much I don’t want to talk to her or be around her. Her anger and vindictiveness is so difficult to live with it makes me nauseous with fear and anxiety.

She has been seeing an OT (mental health) at cymhs for months now and we have had no significant progress. A few weeks ago I had to push for her to see the psychiatrist consultant because her clinician is not trained in treating BPD or licensed to even diagnose.

I feel very isolated, with no real support or ways forward for her or us, she blames everything on me and believes I am the cause of her problems.

I just don’t understand and it is making me so sick.

Thank you

[Madeleine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Mumtofour 

I'm so glad you have found us here. I can see that the last year has been an incredibly tough one for yourself and your family. 

It is perfectly understandable (and common) to feel frustrated, anxious, and sick at the thought of everything that is going on. 

Carers of people with BPD can often find themselves the 'target' of challenging behaviours and there is only so much any person can take before it all feels completely too much. 

You have put in some hard work to get some good support for your daughter, which I want to take a moment to acknowledge - it is not easy and can take many months of searching and trial and error. 

Something that is important for carers of people with BPD is gradually putting in place some boundaries to protect their own wellbeing, too. Of course, this is often easier said than done. 

I will drop a few resources here that I hope can be helpful:

Mental health carer support groups: Tandem 

For some people, having a support group can be a great way to connect with others, hear about strategies from those who understand best, and feel less alone in the caring journey

BPD Foundation - Carers Information (Including a link to mental health carers counselling, and pract...

BPD Foundation - Services Directory

The BPD Foundation is a wealth of resources for both individuals with BPD as well as carers. The service directory can be especially helpful in finding some local supports. 

I hope you have some good supports around you at this time. It is a full-time job (and sometimes a pretty thankless one) and you deserve to have supports that focus on your wellbeing, too. You are not alone in how you are feeling. 

[Madeleine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Mumtofour 

I'm so glad you have found us here. I can see that the last year has been an incredibly tough one for yourself and your family. 

It is perfectly understandable (and common) to feel frustrated, anxious, and sick at the thought of everything that is going on. 

Carers of people with BPD can often find themselves the 'target' of challenging behaviours and there is only so much any person can take before it all feels completely too much. 

You have put in some hard work to get some good support for your daughter, which I want to take a moment to acknowledge - it is not easy and can take many months of searching and trial and error. 

Something that is important for carers of people with BPD is gradually putting in place some boundaries to protect their own wellbeing, too. Of course, this is often easier said than done. 

I will drop a few resources here that I hope can be helpful:

Mental health carer support groups: Tandem 

For some people, having a support group can be a great way to connect with others, hear about strategies from those who understand best, and feel less alone in the caring journey

BPD Foundation - Carers Information (Including a link to mental health carers counselling, and pract...

BPD Foundation - Services Directory

The BPD Foundation is a wealth of resources for both individuals with BPD as well as carers. The service directory can be especially helpful in finding some local supports. 

I hope you have some good supports around you at this time. It is a full-time job (and sometimes a pretty thankless one) and you deserve to have supports that focus on your wellbeing, too. You are not alone in how you are feeling. 

[Mumtofour]

Hey Madeline

Thank you for your reply, I will definitely follow up on those resources. I’m wondering how other parents negotiate the anger and vengeance that is directed at them, it seems that if my daughter doesn’t agree with me, doesn’t like what I say, perceives that I have done something wrong to her or even just do things that make me happy she unleashes the most horrible anger at me to the point of telling me she wants to ruin my life.

Sometimes I question whether I’m allowed to have my own life, friends and fun…

Thanks

[Pho-RO]

@Mumtofour it does sound like a particularly exhausting situation to be in, and one that has left you feeling quite lost and confused. 

Of course you deserve your own life, and the fact that this situation has you questioning this says to me that you have been carrying this pressure for a really long time now, impacting your thoughts and beliefs. 

I hope the above resources are helpful, and would also recommend looking for a BPD parents and carers support group in your area, if there is one. I'd also like to include another resource from the BPD Foundation - a list of helpful tips for caring for someone with BPD. 

You could also give Carers Australia a call, not just for support in the moment but also in terms of exploring their options for things like counselling and respite.

You deserve care and support, and neither you nor your daughter deserve to go through this alone. We're glad to have you with us.