The getting out of bed battle w a 15 year old son

[Faob_1]

For the past year we have been battling all sorts of issues with our son. From truancy, to substance abuse and the verbal and physical abuse that goes with that, the disappearances on weekends, the treating home like his Airbnb, and on it goes.... he has changed schools this year to one he asked to attend. However, he is still wagging classes, not doing homework, refusing to get up in the mornings without the tantrum a 2year old would be hard to throw! I am doing my best to be calm, stay matter of fact in approach, but it destroys me that a very very bright kid is behaving like this. Any strategies I can try to make the mornings a bit more bearable would be great. He is seeing a counsellor weekly, and his teachers are all very supportive as he is one of their brighter students. If we don’t wake him in the morning, he doesn’t get up and complains we didn’t wake him. If we do wake him we are told to F off and leave him alone! All ideas welcome. Thanks.

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

Hi, THanks for your reply.  Son has been to school for three days this week, tomorrow is Good Friday, so that’s a 75% attendance! Up from 70%!!

He refused to get up today, I had to go to work, so I kept calm-on the outside, inside I am seething- and went to work.

i was seeing his counsellor today which is around the corner from home, so dropped in after that to find him watching tv, dressed in uniform, with neighbour who is currently suspended from school. He’s 2 years younger than my son. I told neighbour quietly he had to leave and was not helping My son by hanging out here. Outside I told neighbour that under no circumstances was he to be in my home if I or my husband are not there. If he wants to be a good friend he needs to accept that My son must go to school.

ive spoken to son this afternoon and repeated that s condition of him living at home is he attends school daily. His reply, well tough, I didn’t.  So I quietly said you don’t get to hang out here, eating food I go to work to provide, and do nothing in return. I asked him to go pooper scoop (dog) the yard, and omg, he did, no arguing.  I am tying to use loads of “I statements”, I feel...I hope...  and I think that approach is disarming him a bit. He can’t figure out how to respond to that! If I’m not yelling, he can’t yell back! He has had his ammunition removed as I am tying extremely hard not to take up his invitation to behave the way I normally would, ie, get furious and loud! 

not sure if I am winning here.  This whole scenario is killing me. Son has a number of ‘flags’ that his counsellor hopes to get to the bottom of...it’s not going to be a quick fix. This has been going on for 18 months now.  I guess, for someone , me, who is a rules/black and white kind of person, learning to operate in the grey is a new skill. Never too old to learn huh??  Hope my blood pressure can cope! 

[Sister]

Congratulations @Faob_1 for staying calm with your sons' behavior.....that is self-control.

It's tough when our kids abuse us when we are only trying to help.

The positives through all of these current issues are that your son is a bright student and he is seeing a counsellor.

Have you discussed with the counsellor about this issue of your son not getting up in the mornings and swearing at you? It is a rather common thing and one I struggle with too. Its all about taking responsibility for themselves but if we don't wake them then they will not attend school. I would seriously ask the counsellor to have a chat with him about this and you might be able to come up with some sort of reward system.

I would be really interested to read how you go as I too could do with some strategies to help with getting my own son up. Not just for school but for other activities too.  You are not alone, @Faob_1 if that's any comfort for you.

[Faob_1 · Accepted solution]

Hi, THanks for your reply.  Son has been to school for three days this week, tomorrow is Good Friday, so that’s a 75% attendance! Up from 70%!!

He refused to get up today, I had to go to work, so I kept calm-on the outside, inside I am seething- and went to work.

i was seeing his counsellor today which is around the corner from home, so dropped in after that to find him watching tv, dressed in uniform, with neighbour who is currently suspended from school. He’s 2 years younger than my son. I told neighbour quietly he had to leave and was not helping My son by hanging out here. Outside I told neighbour that under no circumstances was he to be in my home if I or my husband are not there. If he wants to be a good friend he needs to accept that My son must go to school.

ive spoken to son this afternoon and repeated that s condition of him living at home is he attends school daily. His reply, well tough, I didn’t.  So I quietly said you don’t get to hang out here, eating food I go to work to provide, and do nothing in return. I asked him to go pooper scoop (dog) the yard, and omg, he did, no arguing.  I am tying to use loads of “I statements”, I feel...I hope...  and I think that approach is disarming him a bit. He can’t figure out how to respond to that! If I’m not yelling, he can’t yell back! He has had his ammunition removed as I am tying extremely hard not to take up his invitation to behave the way I normally would, ie, get furious and loud! 

not sure if I am winning here.  This whole scenario is killing me. Son has a number of ‘flags’ that his counsellor hopes to get to the bottom of...it’s not going to be a quick fix. This has been going on for 18 months now.  I guess, for someone , me, who is a rules/black and white kind of person, learning to operate in the grey is a new skill. Never too old to learn huh??  Hope my blood pressure can cope! 

[Sister]

Hi @Faob_1

At least your son had his school uniform on when you found him watching tele with the neighbour!

Seriously though, it is good that he is attending school......3 days is better than 2, 2 better than 1 and even if he wasn't attending at all there is always hope!

It is so difficult when you need to go to work and have to leave them not going to school! I ended up taking 6 months off once to attend to my sons needs but hope to not do that again. Unless I win the lottery, of course!

That's great you are not yelling and staying calm. I'm also learning with that one. Its hard though, isn't it when they swear and carry on? But like you mentioned, it does no good and they cannot hold it against us if we yell at them back. Calmness and self-control are definantly positive attributes which you seem to be practicing and I am working on.

I feel positive that through time, your sons behaviour will improve. But it might be a battle in the meantime so look after YOU in between the work.

[Faob_1]

Thanks for the encouragement, I really need it right now..pedicure is bookd in for tomorrow..me time! 😊

[Erin-RO]

That's perfect @Faob_1 you can have some time to recharge and refresh

[Faob_1]

It’s excruciating putting up with it. I mentally go from wanting him out of the house and my life, to being prepared to try yet another strategy to modify behaviour, to wanting him out the door again. I have never been so physically and emotionally shattered as I am now.  I have a job as a teacher which is also very emotionally and intellectually challenging with the type of students I have, so coming home to more stress is just the Straw breaking this camel’s back! 

[Erin-RO]

It sounds like such a rollercoaster @Faob_1 

Try to remember that putting yourself first (which as a mother can be a very foreign concept!) can actually help both you and your relationship with your son. And all that means is scheduling some "me time" like you have, maybe going to see a counsellor or psychologist yourself and practicing some self-care strategies.

[Sister]

Hi @Faob_1,

How was the pedicure?

I agree with @Erin-RO. A counsellor is someone to talk to about all that you are going through. I hid stuff for years with my sons behaviour.....wanted to protect him and us as a family (I am divorced now). I also still don't tell a lot of people about all the turmoil as I figure its affected my sons and our families lives so much. I didn't wish to burden other people with it all as well. Screaming, yelling, smoking pot, stealing, school refusal, lying, not meeting curfews, police involvement, hospital presentations and aggression stemming from my sons anxiety and behaviours has truly affected our lives just so so much and I can fully empathise with you being physically and emotionally shattered.

I am a single older parent and have cut my professional working hours to the bare minimum.....going through stuff with my son and then trying to deal with full-time work was just too much for me to manage. I now accept all the assistance I can get.

My son attends a residential school during the week, I accept offers of help from family members (who have only just recently started to come to the party as they could finally see the seriousness of the situation), I look after myself more (walks, massages, writing, coffee with friends, meditation, yoga....anything to help me deal with the stress and I have the time now) and am receiving counselling. Opening up to someone we don't know can be a blessing. You can ask your GP for a mental health care plan to cut back on psychologists costs. It took me courage to admit I wasn't coping but then who could? Its a tough journey however I love my son dearly and will not give up on him. There is always hope. Plus I try my best in the quiet moments to look on all of this as an opportunity to help others who are in a similar situation.

My son is improving slowly but there have been setbacks. More to "talk" about next time.

Try the counselling. Is it possible for you to have a break from work for a while?

[kevvy22]

I have the same issue and when I wake him I am confronted with a tirade of verbal abuse - I have other kids to get to school and myself to get to work and it's extremely stressful - he always goes but the abuse I have to cop in the process is sometimes unbearable