Teen to parent abuse

[Fambam83]

Hi, I have a very abusive 16 year old daughter, I have been dealing with this for the past 2-3 years, it has definitely escalated this year. I have absolutely no control over anything she does or says, she won't listen to me, she doesn't respect me or her father, she will scream out at the top of her lungs and continue to haras us , throw anything she can get her hands on at both of us and verbally abuse us, if she doesn't like an answer given her, she call me awful names, and in a heated argument is spiteful about bringing up my past and telling me how worthless I am ( BTW my past is I was sexually abused at 14), so this hurts me greatly, her father and I are hard-working, I have two jobs and work 7 days a week, and he works mon-fri,we have provided her with everything parents are supposed to give, she works at a fast food establishment and she is on her learners and demands driving lessons with me in the current time I have refused as I don't actually feel safe when she is driving as she doesn't listen to me, I don't want to take her to or from work because as soon as I am alone with her she starts another argument. I have tried and tried so hard, she has gotten to a point where she refuses to acknowledge her father and won't speak to him at all because he told her to stop acting the way she does towards me and she says she hates him, she also has a boyfriend
and stays with him whenever she wants to... so now I am dealing with this on my own, I am beginning to give up, I feel like I have a broken heart and I am struggling to cope, also I have a 14 year old son, who sees all this and has also started being rude to me as well. I am feeling helpless.
She does not act out anywhere else only at home.

[TOM-RO]

Hi @Fambam83 ,

Oh wow. That sounds like a really intense relationship that I can imagine is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I can also understand how difficult it would be trying to manage their expectations of you as a parent, while trying to still assert proper boundaries. You wrote you've been dealing with this for the past 2-3 years. That's a long time. Do you feel it's changes through adolescents or has her attitude been getting worse? I'm curious as well, have you sought professional support for yourself through resources such as ParentLine? They're pretty great professional counsellors who can definitely have a conversation with you for this issue.

I'm really sorry to hear that it's really impacting you so strongly. You writing that you're struggling to cope, I can imagine you feel your resources and capacity for managing are at a a low point. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about what's going on? Friends/family?

Sending you all the best support I can. It sounds like a really rough time!

[Fambam83]

Her attitude and behaviour is getting worse, no this is the first time I have attempted any help or guidance, no I don't have any family to help me.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Fambam83 , sorry to hear that you feel like your daughters behaviour and attitude are getting worse. You mentioned that you don't have any family supporting you through this, so I'm just wondering if you have any professionals that are supporting you or your daughter throughout this?

[Fambam83]

No I have not tried professional help, at first I thought it was just 'normal' adolescent behaviour, so I just continued to try and work it out with her, I did seek guidance recently from my doctor regarding professional help but have been informed that due to not being unemployed I am not entitled to free services, I can not afford the cost of professional help.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Fambam83, thank you for sharing. I can hear that there is a part of you that wanted to work this out yourself and that you were feeling unsure about whether your daughter's behaviour is normal. That is a common experience for parents and sometimes it can be difficult to reach out for support as well. In that way, it is great that you have been able to share your story here with us.

It might depend what type of help you are wanting but there is a Mental Health Treatment Plan that your GP can provide if you are eligible. It can reduce the cost of counselling sessions, or in some cases, a bulk billing client may waive the fee. Is this something you talked about with them or is this an option that is still too expensive? We also have our own one on one coaching service which may be helpful for you - please check to see if you are eligible here.

Please feel welcome to keep us updated on how you are going  

[Carol637]

Hi I'm so sad to read your story but I know how you feel I'm going through the same with my 14 year old son . It's heart breaking the things they say . I hope you don't take offence to this but its good to know its not just me I feel so useless as a parent and I look at everyone else and wonder why are they not going through it

[Philippa-RO]

@Carol637 that sounds so tough but I'm really glad it's helpful to know you're not alone.
I really liked this fact sheet from Brisbane DV Service talking about adolescent to parent abuse - in case you might like to have a read through it. 
You're definitely not alone in going through this.