15 yrold daughter wants boyfriend in her room

[Matthews]

I am have boundry issues with my 15 yr old daughter, she has just started dating and wants him visiting in her room. I have suggested that we keep the visits in the lounge for now and will revise the situation when i feel a bit more comfortable about having her boyfriend in our house . She obviously is not happy and neither is he.They both are pushing my boundaries and im feeling guilty for them being upset, i dont get it,i have been gracious to letting the boyfriend in and it feels unappreciated ??

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Matthews, thanks for your post. It sounds like you are in a bit of a tricky situation. Boundaries are different in each family and it is common for teenagers to want to challenge the rules. It is great to hear that you are keeping the communication open and trying to be reasonable with your daughter. I am wondering if setting a time limit to reviewing your decision might help? You could discuss this option with your daughter. 

I also want you to know that you aren't alone and other parents on our forum have experienced difficulties with boundaries too - you can read about it here. We also have some articles which discuss boundary setting which you might find helpful here. We are an Australian service so don't have resources for New Zealand, however, I have found a service called Parent Line which may be relevant for you.

[Toby98]

I think it’s extremely important for young couples to have time alone together. You can be in a bedroom with someone without having sex. It gives teens time to have private conversations, develop their relationship, learn more about each other, and if anyone crosses any sexual boundaries, with parents in the same house, they’ll most likely respect their partners wishes. It gives girls an opportunity to practice saying “No” in a safe environment. When teens don’t have this freedom it gives boys the idea that being in a room with a girl implies she wants sex. How can you possibly build a strong relationship if you don’t have the privacy to get to know your partner on a personal level? Later in life this often leaves girls feeling pressured into situations they never wanted to be in.

[Philippa-RO]

@Toby98 thank you for sharing your thoughts - that's definitely an interesting perspective and one I hadn't thought of myself. I totally agree that safe opportunities to learn consent and boundaries are so important.
Your post has made me wonder whether we do sometimes shelter our young people too much from having those healthy learning opportunities - just through trying to be protective parents. 
Speaking for myself, you've definitely given me a lot of food for thought!