Co parenting as a step mom

[Giffordm]

So I am the step mom of two girls ages 8 and 7. Also have my own age 8. The father to the children and myself have been together for a year and a half now, we were together for almost two years previously about three years ago. Since getting back together the mother to the children met up with us, (she had a newborn at that time) and wanted to be a part of the two girls life again. We all sat down together and my boyfriend (father to the girls) decided it was fine but we would start out slow. The girls would stay for a day then it slowly increased to two days then three days. The court order from years ago when the girls were 1 and a newborn granted ?my boyfriend (father to two girls) sole legal decision making over both girls and the mother got parenting time three days a week. Needless to say she was in and our of their life (mainly out) up until about a year ago. Well it's been a little over a year and the girls are actually staying a week at a time as the oldest wanted to stay there the same amount of time as she is bonded with her mother, no big deal, made the kiddo happy and we were fine with it. We feel as if she has just taken and taken and taken and never given back. She takes care of the girls, gets them to school, and does all the mom needed stuff and we know the girls are safe. I mean there are a few things she doesn't that we don't agree with but they are small things that we have never voiced to her. The two of them can't stand each other, everytime they tr and have a conversation she is always all rude and nasty while the boyfriend is nice. There have been times where he has been rude and nasty but nothing recently, not taking his side. This time it was all over the fact that we dyed the girls hair, no bleach no harsh chemicals etc. Well she didn't like it and that's when she lost her crap, said she's done with not having a say so (when she by court order technically doesnt) and that she doesn't like it blah blah blah. Well okay fine. Well we didn't ask her her opinion on it before we did (mind you it's been done in the past and SHE actually did one of the girls hair last time) and didn't complain at that time. I am wanting feedback on if are we in the wrong as we didn't get her input or no? Honestly. And how do you civilally co parent with someone that's just nasty all the time.

[Emily-RO]

Hi @Giffordm

Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like a difficult situation and we're glad you can talk about it here.

Co-parenting can often be complex and come with unforseen challenges. It sounds like you have tried to be understanding and flexible, but you haven't felt like you're receiving that in return.

I'm sorry to hear about how she reacted to the hair dye. Do you think it might help to talk with her more about why she wants to be a part of decisions like this? It might help to understand each other better and develop an ongoing plan for co-parenting.

I'm also wondering how are the children feeling in the situation? Would it help to talk with them?

Thank you again for sharing.

[Giffordm]

This women has literally just been I want this, I want that, I want I want I want but never well I would like this because of this reason or I would like this because the girls etc if that makes sense. She is only ever thinking about herself and what she wants. The poor boyfriend has tried talking to her about everything and she just wants to be rude and nasty the whole time. Thank you for replying though! I need an outside opinion. Maybe we are in the wrong too ya know. The kids are fine as far as I know. My youngest doesn't ever want to go over there to her house and the oldest didn't want to go this week as she feels like all they do is chores all day long and that their mother doesn't help.

[Bre-RO]

Hey there @Giffordm 

It's so understandable that you need an outside opinion at the moment. Blending families is no an easy task and can bring out lots of different emotions/sides. 

Dealing with nastiness is never easy and even less so when it's a delicate situation. Do you have any people in your life that you'd feel comfortable chatting to about this situation? It might be helpful to have someone you can vent to. Of course, you're also welcome to continue chatting about it here. 

It sounds like you have a close relationship with the girls where they feel safe to tell you how they are feeling - that is so important and positive!