Coparenting, manners, making decisions and schools

[Izzy-Jay14]

I was 16 when I had my son in 2014, my boyfriend at the time was 23. When I went to university in 2018, and I broke up with my boyfriend, my mom and I thought it would be better if she and my ex dealt with decisions concerning my son because I was not emotionally or mentally in the right place to do so myself and they were/are financially responsible for him. My son was living with my mom while I was studying till last year when my ex decided to put him in a private school in his town. We all thought it would be best at the time. Then my ex couldn't keep up with the payments because of his study fees and my mom would sometimes have to help although she couldn't really afford it but she always made a plan, many times very last minute. This went on for almost two years now. My mom spoke to him about sending my son to the free school in my town which we all agree is not the best school but my son is so bright and he is already more ahead compared to other kids his age that it wouldn't hurt to send him here for a year or two till both parents are capable of giving him more. My ex wants to send him to a different expensive school in his town and has already decided and paid registration fees even though both my mom and I have expressed our concerns. He claims he is fine with us not contributing but I am not. I am worried that he is putting himself in a situation he didn't think through properly and he still hasn't completed his studies. He is working a lot to be able to afford this and studying and he doesn't really have time for my son which also means homework gets neglected. So what's the point. If my son goes to this free school I will be able to put him in a homework club and I will have time for his homework which will make up for the quality of the school and he will get more parental attention and I can see he needs it. My ex is not monitoring what he is exposed to so my son is talking/having opinions about stuff he doesn't really understand and it's hard to help him because I'm shook when I hear him and I don't know where or when he heard it. The other day he asked me if I'm gay, which he believes means crazy. For me that was wrong on so many levels I didn't even know where to start so I just told him that gay means happy and that it's not polite to call mommy crazy anyway. My son has lost all the values and manners I try to instill in him since he's been living with his father and I don't know how to talk to him about it without offending him. My son was rude to my grandma in my absence and according to my mom, instead of correcting the kid my ex found it amusing. My ex might leave the province or country after he has completed his studies if his current job doesn't give him a promotion. I'm scared he will want full custody of the kid if he does leave. I don't wanna lose my son. I do believe we both want what's best for him but I feel my ex is only thinking short term. I told my mom I am ready to step up now but I'm so overwhelmed,please help. Should I talk to my ex and try to convince him that my son should stay with me for awhile? Should I talk to him about the kid's manners? If so, how? I don't wanna offend him I know he has good intentions and that he is trying his best. Or should I just leave him to do what he wants and hope it's what's best for the kid even though I don't think so and hope I don't lose my son? I know this post is very long but can someone please help me? TIA

[Portia_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Izzy-Jay14 and welcome to the online community  First off, I'd like to let you know that we primarily cater to parents of teenagers between the ages of 12-18, but hopefully we can give you some support that is applicable to your 7-year-old son all the same. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling uncertain about your son's schooling and that your ex-partner is trying to make decisions about his education without consulting you or your mother. It sounds like he is trying to give your son the best education possible, but that he may be overcommitting himself in the process. I can definitely understand your rationale for wanting to send him to the free school near you for a year or two - this could give both you and your ex-partner an opportunity to earn some money, finish his studies and make long-term plans without as much immediate pressure. How do you think your ex-partner would react if you told him you wanted your son to live with you for a while? 

As for your son's manners and discussing topics he doesn't understand, I can understand your concerns there also. Young people learn from what's going on around them and from how adults help them to navigate the things they don't understand. If you're feeling concerned about your son's values and manners, perhaps it may be worth having a discussion with your ex to make sure you're on the same page about what is appropriate. These can be tough conversations to have, so if you think it might be useful for you, here's a guide from the Raising Children Network on co-parenting (this is an Australian website, so keep in mind that there may be a few external resources that may not be the right fit for you if you're outside Australia).

I'm sorry to hear that you feel concerned about whether you'll have custody of your son in the future. It's great to hear that you're ready and able to step up now, and your voice should definitely be heard when it comes to how your son is being raised. Regardless of what role you played in the past, you are here to support your son now, so what you have to say about his education and upbringing matters and should be respected. 

[Izzy-Jay14]

Also my son is 7 now

[Portia_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Izzy-Jay14 and welcome to the online community  First off, I'd like to let you know that we primarily cater to parents of teenagers between the ages of 12-18, but hopefully we can give you some support that is applicable to your 7-year-old son all the same. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling uncertain about your son's schooling and that your ex-partner is trying to make decisions about his education without consulting you or your mother. It sounds like he is trying to give your son the best education possible, but that he may be overcommitting himself in the process. I can definitely understand your rationale for wanting to send him to the free school near you for a year or two - this could give both you and your ex-partner an opportunity to earn some money, finish his studies and make long-term plans without as much immediate pressure. How do you think your ex-partner would react if you told him you wanted your son to live with you for a while? 

As for your son's manners and discussing topics he doesn't understand, I can understand your concerns there also. Young people learn from what's going on around them and from how adults help them to navigate the things they don't understand. If you're feeling concerned about your son's values and manners, perhaps it may be worth having a discussion with your ex to make sure you're on the same page about what is appropriate. These can be tough conversations to have, so if you think it might be useful for you, here's a guide from the Raising Children Network on co-parenting (this is an Australian website, so keep in mind that there may be a few external resources that may not be the right fit for you if you're outside Australia).

I'm sorry to hear that you feel concerned about whether you'll have custody of your son in the future. It's great to hear that you're ready and able to step up now, and your voice should definitely be heard when it comes to how your son is being raised. Regardless of what role you played in the past, you are here to support your son now, so what you have to say about his education and upbringing matters and should be respected. 

[Izzy-Jay14]

Thank you so much I am now sure that I should talk to him. I will check out the link you sent me I really appreciate it. I might meet with my ex on Sunday to talk, I hope it goes well.