My partner's ex is a covert narcissistic motherv who is hurting us and the daughter

[msg83]

Hi all
I'm in a difficult and heart breaking circumstance.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years and he shares a 8 y.o daughter with his ex. I knew about this ex wife early on in our relationship and have slowly been learning more about it. I had to learn so much about covert narcissistic mother in the last 4 years to really understand what we are dealing with and how to support my partner.
We have a great relationship and I have a beautiful relationship with his daughter and she referred to me as her step mother lovingly even though we are not married yet.
As our relationship grew, the ex realised that we are serious and this has escalated her manipulative and malicious acts, both towards her own daughter and us.
My partner has always pay her above and beyond child support including 4 years of extra money to support her.
She's been bad mouthing us to his daughter and making her to guilty, confused and emotionally torn and has caused his daughter to refuse to come to us when it's his access time. My partner has always insisted on 50/50 access but the ex refused. So we only have her every weekend when she goes off to work at a stripper bar Friday and Saturday night often involving drugs and alcohol as we found out accidentally.
We recently found ourselves at the receiving end of her malicious acts and invading our boundaries and being emotionally abusive towards the 8.yo. and us.
We are seriously considering fighting for full custody but are worried that this will cause a lot of pain for the child during the battle. We have little means to stay in touch with his daughter during the week as the ex controls everything.
I could really do with some advice and steps that we could take to protect us and the child. We tried calling places like Orange Door for support and found that they were dismissive of my partner from the fact that he's male and felt that his concerns and request for support was brushed off.
We are located in Vic btw.
Thank you all for your kindness.

[Bel_RO]

Hey @msg83, 

Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing what you’re going through! It sounds like things have been incredibly challenging for you, your partner and his daughter with the ex-partner. I can see that you and your partner have attempted to contact the Orange Door but were dismissed. Despite the negative interaction, it is incredible to see you both persisting to find support. This is a reflection of how united you both are and the loving relationship you have with your partner. I imagine that this must be a source of great strength for you both as you all navigate this experience.

I can hear that there might be some legal issues amongst this situation, so I am wondering if there is a court order in place already between your partner and his ex-partner for their daughter? While I am unable to provide you with any legal advice, I encourage you to contact the Family Relationships Advice Line who are a national telephone service that helps families affected by relationship or separation issues, including information on parenting arrangements after separation. It can also refer callers to local services that provide assistance. I also encourage you to explore the resources available at the Raising Children Network as there might be some information that is useful for you. 

With what you are all going through it can be really helpful to see a professional for support, so I am interested to know if you, your partner and his daughter have any professional support? 

An email has also been sent to you so please keep an eye out for that. 

[msg83]

Thank you for the response and suggestions.
We have explored possible therapy for us.
I, myself an art therapist and clinical counsellor. But if course my skills sets can only take me as far.
It would be hard for his daughter to access counselling without the ex finding out or knowing about it.
I once supported her with a school homework and the ex accused me of providing therapy and emotionally coaching her child without her consent.

Unfortunately there weren't any court order in place and child support was done privately, hence Centrelink has no idea about the double dipping.

So am a bit at a loss.

[Stormy-RO]

Hey @msg83 I just wanted to say that this is such a difficult situation and I can understand how much this would be impacting you and your partner. It sounds like you may not be able to give his daughter the level of support that you would like to offer at this time because of what is happening with his ex. I was wondering whether the daughter has any supports at school or anywhere else that may be helpful for her during this time?

As you have mentioned that there are some very difficult legal implications around Centrelink, child support and custody, it may be worth considering whether you can get advice on family dispute resolution. @Bel_RO mentioned the Family Relationships Advice Line, which might be a helpful step to understand the court system, mediation and how parenting orders work, especially if your partner's daughter isn't able to receive counselling if she needs it. It makes sense that you are at a loss as there are many messy parts of this whole situation and that you want to do the right thing by your partner's daughter. From what I can see, knowing what is right seems to be becoming clearer to your both and it is now about finding the best path ahead.