Step parent help!

[Stepmumma4]

Hi Step families, 

I have a step daughter. She stays with us every second weekend and every Wednesday night. 

I am having trouble dealing with her behaviour, specifically defiant behaviour followed by comments like "my mum doesn't make me do that" or "my mum says....."

It's very difficult to deal with because there is history of negative behaviour from bio-mum by 'poisoning' her in regards to me and our family. some of the comments in the past have been: 

"my mum says you are yucky, but don't worry I think you are nice"

"my mum says I don't have to listen to you" 

"mum says i only have one home and I only visit here"

"mum says I have 2 Daddy's but only one mummy" 

"mummy says she will come and pick me up any time I want and i don't have to stay here" 

(let me just clarify: my relationship with my partner began after they broke up, in fact we didn't even know each other existed until he was living alone - and i have actually only had one very brief encounter with this woman. Both her and my partner have moved on and are in relationships, and both have another child in the new relationship.)

Communication with my partner and his ex is strictly via text or email.

Any advice on how I can handle my step daughter, without undermining her mother, and hurting our own relationship. It's very difficult given how nasty the ex continues to be?

Just any advice!

Trying hard, getting nowhere!

[Janine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Stepmumma4 , 

That sounds like such a difficult situation for you to be in, blended families can be really challenging - but on the positive side, step parents can truly be such incredibly important figures in kids' lives, and you sound like someone who is dedicated to being the best step parent they can be. 

I'm curious as to how your husband is dealing with these issues, and specifically if he is also there when your stepdaughter is being openly defiant to you? Have the two of you been able to have a discussion about how you want to respond to her when she makes these comments to you? 

How old is your step daughter? 

ReachOut have some great resources on how to navigate being a step-parent here , 

and we also have a free one to one support and coaching service for parents if you think it might be helpful to chat about these issues one on one with a professional, you can access that service here 

My own two cents as someone who is in a blended family myself- it  can be really hard being a step parent or adjusting to parenting with a new partner,  and it sounds like you are a thoughtful and committed step parent. 

Kids will generally get used to having two different sets of 'house rules' in different families, and if you can remain as calm and consistent as possible with maintaining boundaries that you feel are important in your own home, that will be really helpful. Just a simple "oh, okay, well this is the rule here",  is really the only thing you need to say about the different rules to mum's house. And try and embrace as much love, fun and affection as possible in your own home- it sounds like you're doing a great job at trying not to say negative things about her bio mum, and that is a really important thing to do. 

Hopefully some other parents can also chime in here - but it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a really challenging situation. Kids will always push boundaries, and having the complexities of two households can make that really hard. 

[Janine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Stepmumma4 , 

That sounds like such a difficult situation for you to be in, blended families can be really challenging - but on the positive side, step parents can truly be such incredibly important figures in kids' lives, and you sound like someone who is dedicated to being the best step parent they can be. 

I'm curious as to how your husband is dealing with these issues, and specifically if he is also there when your stepdaughter is being openly defiant to you? Have the two of you been able to have a discussion about how you want to respond to her when she makes these comments to you? 

How old is your step daughter? 

ReachOut have some great resources on how to navigate being a step-parent here , 

and we also have a free one to one support and coaching service for parents if you think it might be helpful to chat about these issues one on one with a professional, you can access that service here 

My own two cents as someone who is in a blended family myself- it  can be really hard being a step parent or adjusting to parenting with a new partner,  and it sounds like you are a thoughtful and committed step parent. 

Kids will generally get used to having two different sets of 'house rules' in different families, and if you can remain as calm and consistent as possible with maintaining boundaries that you feel are important in your own home, that will be really helpful. Just a simple "oh, okay, well this is the rule here",  is really the only thing you need to say about the different rules to mum's house. And try and embrace as much love, fun and affection as possible in your own home- it sounds like you're doing a great job at trying not to say negative things about her bio mum, and that is a really important thing to do. 

Hopefully some other parents can also chime in here - but it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a really challenging situation. Kids will always push boundaries, and having the complexities of two households can make that really hard.