Hi Elolia97, I'm just hear to offer understanding and a virtual hug (((HUGS))) ... I can relate to the inability to set boundaries with my 16yo daughter, diagnosed with BPD, and also the rudeness / irritability ... this was how our journey started, but even with meds, the blow-outs are now more like rage and viscous verbal attacks. When she goes from zero to 100 with her disregulation, the attacks are personal and I am enemy #1. It's really difficult. We've only had a diagnosis for a couple of months, but I've attempted to research as much as I can about BPD and there are two stand-out things (in my opinion) that are of the utmost importance: validation and boundaries. However, that being said, the boundaries seem to cause the most problems. Last week I turned the wifi off (which I do every night), however my daughter was already in a state after not being home for a week; what ensued was a trip to the hospital for 8 stitches as she cut her leg in frustration :( Should I have just let go on the wifi? This time, probably. But neglecting to set reasonable boundaries over time has cost me in the long run. Including the phone .. the excessive use of it is definitely not helping her healing, and perhaps like your child, she doesn't really want to heal yet anyway. We don't have DBT in our area, but willingness to seek help and commit is paramount. Whilst my daughter is staying away from home (we are communicating about this and finding solutions, and at present, are on good terms), my goal is to look after myself as I'm completely burned out, and learn as much as I can about how I can support my girl. Carer's Gateway have been in touch and are looking for a BPD-trained psychologist to offer me 6 sessions to support my goal of being able to learn about BPD and how to look after myself, my daughter, validate her and set boundaries .. no small goal .. they are also offering a coach for this too, I've said yes to all the support I can get. I've decided that "I" need to learn DBT .. until she's ready to. If I can learn what she needs, and learn the best way to communicate with her, that is a constructive use of my time, rather than perpetual worry. I was pondering this morning that the only thing that is keeping me sane is finding possible ways to help that are in MY control. I guess while I am doing this, my daughter might sense that I'm not incessantly focusing on her and using that against me (more on this below - they are really still intelligent humans despite their emotional difficulties). If I can offer any advice, take some time to reflect on what boundaries are REALLY important to you. This will come down to your values .. and other things, see if you can let go of. I know what it feels like to be reactive to absolutely everything, especially when it comes with demands and disrespect. Learning to not take it personally and get on with things I need to do, whilst difficult, is key. I would say I'm on the cusp of acceptance ... still rollercoastering with all that is going on, but accepting what I can't control and what I can. Self care is paramount. They know how to push our buttons and manipulate, and yes, they do feed off our pain, even if it is not conscious... its more like just how the brain is wired... the familiar chaos preferable to the potentially better unknown. I have had to remind myself this is not because they are bad in any way, but their brain's survival mechanism is kicking and and doing what it does - keeping it surviving. So if we view their tactics as attempts for survival; it may help us detach from it being too personal. I read somewhere it is our brains job to keep us alive, not to make us happy. So you are right to intuit that not setting boundaries can lead to bigger problems down the track, its neurology, its science .. because those neural pathways of "getting what they want" will keep getting well worn, and those brain receptors will keep needing more and more of a dopamine hit. Like addiction. I also think there's an element of "survival of the fittest" .. if we don't set boundaries, and hold them with love and care first and foremost for ourselves, its like an invitation for someone else to be the "leader of the pack" as we are weak. This may be a poor oversimplification but I really like the book by Joe Newman called "Raising Lions" that describes this well. Granted, his book does not cover all the influences in our society that seem to be "hijacking" our children, but I did speak with Joe personally via a 15 minute free consult, and his view was that his approach (all about loving boundaries, which might not be his words to describe his approach, but how I sum it up), still does apply to those with mental health diagnosis. But its nuanced of course, and beyond my capacity to elaborate further here, so I will just say that I found the book helpful in hindsight, of what I had not achieved in setting boundaries and why they are so important. I also read recently that it is not our job to keep our children happy, it is our job to parent based on our values, and sometimes they won't like our decisions. It is OK for them to hate us for it (they may say it, but don't really). But again, I do get the difficulty of putting this into action when there is a threat of self harm or worse, suicide. I know what its like to want to say yes to absolutely anything if it means I'm appeased she will not harm herself or take her life. One mum who went through hell last year when her daughter wanted to commit suicide, shared with me that the most defining moment for her was when she finally accepted that her daughter may actually end her life. That it was possible. And that despite everything she was doing .. watching over her, giving in, being over-bearing etc .. that if it was going to happen, it would. For her this was an absolute moment of reaching rock-bottom despair and deciding that the only thing she had control over was herself. From that moment she shared that something shifted within her daughter. A year later her daughter is doing well, is happy, a fairly normal teenager, and they have a great relationship. Stories like these give me courage. I hope you don't mind me rambling as it helps me too. Lots of love
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