hi @hermum76 It is heart breaking to see our children hurt, and to see it from someone we love is even worse. I don't have a personal experience with this so I cant offer any wisdom based on what I found work. How is your eldest with others? Surely your eldest has had to learn to get along with others at school (maybe work?) Your eldest is right she cant force her self to like someone she doesn't. Nor can we force changes in the way our children feel about things. What she CAN do as a parent is demand your is our children behave in civil manner towards others. The reality is your eldest needs to learn to positively interact with people she doesn't like as she moves in to university / work. I would suggest observing the behaviors of your eldest and identify which ones are unacceptable and addressing the behaviors with your eldest. Teens are the masters on non-verbal messages so be sure to look for rolling eyes big huffs and sighs abrupt answers or ignoring conversations etc etc. Maybe ask your youngest what upsets her the most and if that is something that is unacceptable address that with the eldest. When raising it with the eldest, I suggest addressing the behavior with out the youngest around. Make it about the eldest having to learn to behave civilly with those she doesn't like because you have to when you are an adult.
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Hi @Bnwcbw00 It certainly is a tough situation. My response is quite long winded as I went through this beside my partner 3 years ago! My partner had the exact same issue.. My partner and I went away for a 5 day holiday leaving her 16 yr old daughter at home (Grandmother is 5 min walk away) and came back and found her unemployed 19 yr old boyfriend had been moved in after he was kicked out by his parents. Months went along and the relationship between mother and daughter nose dived. My partner was being driven out of her own home through steady deteriorating behavior from her daughter. During this time my partners mental health continually was under assault and she was racked by guilt and anxiety. After about 18 months later my partner snapped and one day told them they had to move out she was selling the house and moving in with me. Her daughter and boyfriend moved back in with his parents 5 days later and my partner still has her house. My partner now sees her daughter 4-5 times a week for breakfast and coffee as they finally settled in a place around the corner on their own. The point our story is while it seems like my partners world was coming apart she hung in there with her daughter and never stop loving her. In the end we had a happy ending but it was a terrible journey. So some things to think about..... Some important things to remember about you: You have the right to choose who does and does not live in your home. You are NOT responsible for what happens to your daughters boyfriend. There is a difference between generosity to help those in need and being used. Some important things to consider about the boyfriend: Is the boyfriend working to become independent or just taking advantage of the current situation? It sounds like he doesn't have a plan to become independent and if that is so IMHO he is taking advantage of you and your daughter. Unfortunately some times people end up living in cars. Sometimes it is their choices that lead them there, sometimes it is beyond their control. If you are giving him time to arrange his own accommodation and he doesn't then the consequences of that are on him. Some important things to consider about your daughter: At 18 yrs old your daughter is an adult and make her own choices. If she thinks living in a car with her boyfriend is better than living in your house that is her choice. Threatening to move into his car and actually doing it are two different things. Sometimes you have to let your children make choices we don't like to learn the reality of how the world works. What should you do Every situation is different. If my partner had been as hard on her daughter and boyfriend as I would have been she probably would not enjoy the strong relationship they have today. So the advice I would give today would be different than if you asked me 3 years ago. Here is what I would do today Love your Daughter... Tell her you love her and want to support her. Decide what you can and can not live with. Are you willing to have him stay some time? Is he paying board then that should be addressed ASAP. My partners boyfriend had to pay board when he was staying with us though it was well short of his actual costs! Discus the situation with your daughter. I say this not because the discussion is important. Based on what happened to my partner you wont get agreement. Discussing the situation models adult problem resolution and to let he know you are not being unreasonable.. Let your daughter know you can not support her and her boyfriend indefinitely. Set a limit on how long he can stay. Give him a fixed limit to get something sorted out. Regularly remind him as time goes by they have 3 weeks remaining, then next week 2 weeks remaining etc. Make sure they know you are serious and time is passing When you get to the end of the time.. ACT - be firm and cut him lose. If you daughter choose to go, remind her she is NOT being cast out, you love her and she is always welcome back in your home.
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