Ask a Child and Family Professional   Question: "How do I best tackle the conversation if my teen is taking drugs?" __________________________________________________   It can be very confronting to learn that your teen might be starting to experiment with drugs. Our greatest drive as parents is to protect our teens from harm and often when we hear that they are using drugs we fear the worse for them.  It’s only natural then that as a parent you might feel the need to give your teen strong messages about how bad drugs are and that you don’t want them using them.  In fact it can even lead us to dishing out harsh rules and consequences to try to keep them safe.  All of these actions come from a good place but sometimes they don’t always have the outcome that we are looking for and instead can lead to our teens shutting down all communication around drugs, and also going behind our backs and doing it anyway.  Here are some different ways that you could approach the situation.     Create an environment where your teen is more likely to talk to you about drugs and in particular their drug use. What this means is showing them that you can sit and listen to what they have to say without criticising, judging or lecturing them.  Show them that you can handle the truth.  It helps to give them praise that they have come to you with this issue, for example, “I’m really glad that you could be honest with me about this.”   Express your worries and concerns by using “I” statements.  For example, “I’m really worried about you using drugs” instead of “you make me so angry by using drugs”. Using “I” statements helps to shift the focus away from blame and instead make it about your feelings. This will help your teen to be able to hear what you have to say.   Sit and really listen to your teen before jumping in to “fix” the problem.  Acknowledge what they’re saying and feeling even if you don’t agree with the content.  Without interrogating them, look for opportunities to ask open-ended curious questions with the purpose of increasing your understanding of their world. For example, “What was it like for you when you used drugs?” and “Do you think you would try it again?”  Without this understanding of their world it will be challenging for you to have a role in guiding them to understand the risks of drugs and also helping them to stay safe.   When it comes to talking about the risk of drug use really think about your purpose here.  Is it about giving them as much information as you can with the hopes that they will never try drugs again?  Or is it about helping them to think critically about the information and the choices they make?  This is a bit of a tricky space because we all know that as soon as teens start to feel lectured or overloaded with information often they just glaze over and stop listening.  An alternative strategy is to try to get them more engaged in the conversation and come up with their own ideas.  For example, “Are you aware of the risks of using drugs?” and “How could you keep yourself safe from drugs?”  Sometimes they won’t have the answer and sometimes you won’t either, this is a good opportunity to do some research together to find the answers.  Another great way of getting your teens to use their brains is asking for their input around the pros and cons of drug use to help them work out the best choices themselves.   When sharing your thoughts about drugs be calm and provide them with the facts.  Sometimes it can be helpful to give them small pieces of information over time so that they can digest it better.  Also check in with your teen if they would like professional support around their drug use.  A good place to start is with your GP. And remember if your teen is currently using drugs and you are worried about the safety of them or others then please call emergency services to assist you.    For more tips, you can check out ReachOut's article on Alcohol and Drugs    Child & Family Professional, The Benevolent Society   Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

    Ask a Child and Family Professional   Question: "My 16 y. old daughter is having trouble falling asleep or is waking up in the middle of the night. Can I do something about it ?"     We all require a certain amount of sleep to function well. On average most teenagers need just over 9 hours of sleep each night.  If your teen is having difficulty going to sleep or staying asleep consider working with your teen on their sleep problems.   Barriers to sleep:    Have a discussion with her/him about the importance of sleep, find out if stress is contributing, if too much late time screen time or socialising is a barrier, if medications are contributing and remember be aware that there is a physiological change in their sleep patterns during adolescence.    The very brain chemical that makes one feel sleepy — a hormone called melatonin — is released later and later in the evening as teens get older.  This can result in their sleep pattern altering by one to two hours a night, hence they just aren’t tired at the time they used to be. Teens can’t change this but they can make sure night activities are calming to counteract their already heightened alertness.   Ways to help your teen sleep better:   To help your teen sleep better you could consider talking to them about the following:   Establish a regular bedtime routine and stick with it.  If they do sleep in on weekends try to keep it to one hour. Power down. Have teens unplug from electronics one hour before bedtime. You could consider creating a quiet, calm evening routine in your home for the entire family. Encourage your teen to wind down their brain. Take a warm bath, listen to soft music     or do yoga before bedtime. Create the right sleeping environment. Generally people sleep best in a cool, dark room.  If your teen needs to block out noise in their bedroom consider earplugs or white noise from a fan or machine. Choose  what one consumes post lunch wisely, encourage your teen to avoid caffeine and sugar products such as coffee, tea, fizzy drinks and chocolate.  Regular exercise is important. Ideally, exercise is best done early in the day as this has the most positive impact on sleep.  Keep naps to 20 minutes and at early afternoon. When your teen gets up in the morning, they could try getting into bright light as soon as possible as this signals the brain to wake up. They could have breakfast in front of a window or outside.  When to seek more help   While it’s normal to occasionally experience difficulties sleeping, it is not normal if this persists. If sleeping difficulties do persist, and they are affecting your teen’s wellbeing, schoolwork, relationships or mental health, it might be time to seek help.    A GP, school counsellor or psychologist would be a place to start.   Let’s be honest, this is a long list of things to get them on board with.  Be realistic about how you approach this- problem solve with your teen to come up with strategies that will work for them.    Remember, small changes can make a big difference.                                                                                                            Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

       Ask a Child and Family Professional    Question: "How do you not helicopter parent but still set boundaries?"     One of the developmental needs of teens is increased independence, teens are seeking to establish new limits and increased freedom. Our job is to support this development by trying to ensure our boundaries match our teens growing maturity. This means we not only need to set boundaries but adjust them as your teen matures. Here’s some tips to help you do this: Connect: Boundaries have a better chance of success when your teen knows you are on their side and want to work with them. Express your understanding that they want (and need) more independence and that you are trying to work towards this whilst supporting their safety. Help them understand the reason for a boundary and the value it is linked to. This can help them understand you are trying to support them rather than feeling you are trying to control them or don’t trust them. Plan ahead: Having boundaries and consequences set in advance helps set you and your teen up for success. Think about what limits you want to set and why. It is helpful to set and agree to the consequences when you set a boundary, rather than following a rule breach. Check consequences fit the rules and not so mild they might be ignored but not so strong they foster resentment or rebellion. Work together & Problem Solve:  Work together with your teen to try to set boundaries you are both comfortable with, whilst being clear on where your line is for issues around safety and family values. A great way to do this is by negotiating together with your teen. It shows your teen you respect their opinion and helps you understand each other’s perspective. Boundaries set when we are angry or vulnerable are usually not the most effective ones. Problem solving boundaries that aren’t working and work together with your teen to find a possible solution. If you are feeling unsure or stuck around the topic of setting boundaries, our ReachOut One-on-One Support team can help. Be specific and consistent: Ensure boundaries are clear for both you and your teen to ensure you both understand what the expectations are. When you have set a boundary, it is important you are consistent in implementing it and follow through when the rule is broken. Remember, the best kind of consequences are the natural ones, and these are usually more aligned to what will happen in their adult lives. Notice their successes: As your teen demonstrates increased responsibility and trustworthiness, let them know you have noticed and be willing to expand their boundaries a little. This is especially empowering for young people if you do so without them having to ask. If you restrict or tighten a boundary as a consequence of them breaking crossing a boundary remember to expand it a little as they demonstrate increased responsibility around it. Lead by example It is also important for us to lead by example and to think about whether we are role modelling how to align with boundaries   Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

         Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: "I struggle to balance myself with parenting, working and wife responsibilities. Sometimes I think I can't. Sometimes I think I don't want to. Every other time I do my absolute best. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack most of the time. What should I be doing to gain that emotional balance and control?"     Whenever I see a question about balancing commitments when it comes to parenting I remember a quote that I heard once... “If you are being a good parent 51% of the time, then you are being a good parent most of the time”. When you find the perfect balance between home/children/personal/work/everything else tell us all so that we can benefit as well.   In answer to your question, I wonder if it’s about working out the need versus the want, and then balancing the personal in with that as well. The hardest part of being an parent is the commitments that we need to prioritise. What we do know is that our teens need us. They need us to be present, to keep them safe and secure and to be as emotionally available as we can for them. The caveat is that when we don’t feel safe and emotionally secure we can’t provide the best part of ourselves for them.   Making time for oneself is crucial for our own wellbeing. Make time for yourself and let those around you know what you are doing is really important. Sometimes we can be scolded for taking time out as others see it as being lazy or being unproductive but this time is actually really important for good mental health. If you just need to go and spend some time gardening, watching a TV show, having a bath or going to spend time with friends, let those around you know that you need this time and do the best that you can to plan this with your family. Modelling this behaviour to our teens reinforces the importance of self-care as well as teaching essential life skills.   Discussing how you’re going to balance your responsibilities and self-care with your family is really important as it shows that you have considered their activities and what is important to them. Otherwise known as negotiation and compromise, if you can master these with a little bit of empathy you are on the right path to gaining emotional balance and control.    That being said, if you really feel like you are going to have a heart attack, please seek medical attention. It’s so important to have a good relationship with a trusted GP where you can seek advice for your physical, mental and emotional health.   If you feel like you need some support with your parenting while staying connected to your teen, you may benefit from ReachOut Parents One-on-one Support.   James, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

              Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: How can I support my daughter after she has experienced a traumatic event?   There is much a parent can do to support their teen through trauma. Reactions to trauma can often be misunderstood as difficult, disobedient or rude behaviour. As a parent it is normal to find this frustrating, but expressing anger over this behaviour might make things worse. Consider the following strategies. Your coping style and mental wellbeing can have a significant influence on your teen’s recovery.  Hence it is important you, the parent, look after yourself first and seek support if you are not coping. Reassure your teen that they are safe and cared for.  Experiencing a traumatic event can affect ones sense of safety and emotional wellbeing.      When your teen is ready, listen and talk to them about the trauma.  As mentioned it is normal to experience strong emotional and/or physical reactions following trauma. Fear, sadness, guilt and anger are common.  As is withdrawal or clinginess.    Validate your teen’s feelings and normalise their reactions, even if you don’t understand or agree with them.  When a teen can express their feelings and have them validated it can help them to feel heard, not judged and open up.      Maintain routine where possible, however… Be flexible. Negotiate changes in roles and responsibility during their recovery.  Don’t expect your teens to take on too much responsibility, but don’t become overprotective either.   Try to understand if they can’t do what is usually expected of them, like going to school, but talk about how they will get back to their normal routine as soon as possible. If school performance/attendance is impacted - tell school staff, including teachers and the principal so they are aware of what has happened.     Make time for fun family activities. Encourage your teenager take care of themselves, such as eating well, getting enough sleep, maintaining regular exercise, engaging in relaxation or mindfulness practices.    If your teen is finding it difficult to open up to you it might be helpful to ask a relative or trusted family friend.  It is normal at this stage of development for teens to not want to share all with parents.  If you continue to feel worried about your teen and/or things are not improving this might be a good time to seek professional support.     Here are some of the support options available: For urgent support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14  Your local General Practitioner Blue Knot Foundation who specialise in childhood trauma on 1300 657 380 Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 ReachOut resources on trauma and recovery You can also check out the "urgent help" page here   JM, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society       Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

          Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: I have mental health concerns and want to know where I can go to get help                     Parenting is one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs that we can have in life. As parents, we know that if our own mental health is suffering then it makes it that much harder to be the best parent we can be. Sometimes our own mental health can be the lowest of our priorities, especially if we’re not sure where to go to get help. This uncertainty can lead to putting our mental health in the “too hard basket” and potentially things getting worse. If you’ve been thinking about getting help with your mental health but you’re not sure where to go, or even nervous about what to expect, then one of the first things you can do is reach out to a family member or friend. Is there someone in your life who is a good listener or you feel could help you on your journey to get support? If the idea of opening up about how you’re feeling to a stranger is daunting, then this could be a really safe first step to reach out for support. On the other hand if you’re thinking that you really want support in a professional space but you’re not sure what you’re ready for another option could be to contact a telephone service. You can talk your concerns through with someone who can point you in the right direction for what your current needs are and what help you feel ready to receive; whether that be information to read, an online course targeted towards mental health, a telephone counselling service or other professional support. However, if you feel like you are ready to jump right into seeking face to face support then a great place to start is with your GP. If you don’t have one, then call up your local medical centre and ask to see a GP that deals with mental health concerns. GPs are able to make referrals to appropriate psychologists and/or psychiatrists depending on your needs. The great thing about GPs is that they are also able to provide access to a mental health plan which will allow you to access a psychologist at a lower cost. Getting help can look different depending on where you’re at in your help seeking journey. Only you will know what you need right now and what you feel ready to do to get help. Whatever you decide is okay. One of the things that you can do right now is to make a list of self-care strategies that help when you’re not feeling good. Some ideas to include could be going outside for a walk, listening to some soothing music, writing you worries down, having a relaxing bath or spending time with a friend. Everyone is different so pick the things that work for you.     CW, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

    Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: My daughter has anxiety but won’t see a psychologist. How can I encourage her to get help?                       Our experience is that young people are less likely than any other age group to seek professional help. Imagine being a teenager with anxiety, and then being asked to share your inner secrets with a psychologist, a counsellor or another professional. That is scary enough for adults let alone teenagers.   Here’s a few tips that I often give parents:   1. Speak with a parenting expert, sharpen your skills and learn some of the tools of the trade. You are in a unique position to support your teen, particularly at this stage when they are not yet ready to speak with a professional. Is there someone in your teen’s school that can support you? Or do you have a good relationship with your GP? If you don’t have someone in your current support network you can book in a session with the ReachOut Parents One on One Support Service!    2. Invite your teenager to explore other options that may feel a little safer, such as an online or phone counselling services, or joining a forum with other teens with similar experiences and challenges.   3. Never push your teenager to see a professional. Invite them instead. For example: “Do you think it could be helpful to see a psychologist? No? That’s ok, can I check-in with you in a couple of weeks and see how you feel about it then?”   4. Find time to connect with your teen in a way that works for them. That could be going for a walk, heading out for a coffee, or simply sitting on the couch together.   5. If your teen is showing early warning signs of struggling with their mental health, they might find it helpful to begin using mindfulness or meditation techniques. Suggest the ReachOut Breath app or the ReachOut Worry Time app. Remember to educate yourself on what normal teenage behaviour looks like and what concerning behaviour looks like.   You might find this video helpful: check it out here    If your teen has begun self-harming or thinking about suicide, seek support immediately. Mental Health professionals will help you develop strategies and safety plans to keep your teen safe.       Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support   ... View more

         Ask a Child and Family Professional                           Question: How do I help my son who is having panic attacks?                     Adolescence can be a risky period for mental health problems. Teens have to deal with environmental factors, genetics and personality traits, like being very sensitive. On top of this, teenagers go through many changes and challenges in a short period of time. This all happens while teenage brains are still maturing. As a parent you need to accept that most of this is out of your control.   So what do you have control over you may ask?  You do have control over your response to your teen and creating an environment that may help your teen understand and manage their panic attacks. This might include: Talking with your teen about what they are experiencing. A strong and loving relationship with you can have a direct and positive impact on your teen’s mental health. Working with your teen’s mental health professional. Run the following by them before you act.  If you don’t have support a good place to start is with your GP. Acknowledging your teen’s fear. Don’t dismiss, ignore it or minimise what they are experiencing. Let your teen know you’re there to support and care for them. Help them manage their strong feelings. First, assist them to reassure themselves that the symptoms of a panic attack are uncomfortable but not life threatening.  Second, direct them to focus their attention on something outside the symptoms. For example, focused breathing or concentrate on the sights and sounds around them. Third, aim to stay where they are- allowing the symptoms to pass will enable them to gain confidence in their ability to cope. Gently encourage your teen to face situations but don’t force them. When they act in spite of the anxiety, reflect back to them what they accomplished. Refer to your teen as brave rather than shy or anxious. Acknowledge they are working toward overcoming their difficulties. Be a good role model for managing your own stress and dealing with your own anxiety.  Remember seeking support is a strength!   Would you like to do some further reading?  ReachOut has this article here about panic attacks that you and your teen may find helpful.   Or perhaps you feel like you would benefit from some One-to-One support: You can check out our One-to-One support using the link below!   JM, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society   Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

    Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: My youngest child is showing aggressive behaviours. What can I do if they won't seek help?                     Learning how to manage strong emotions is a normal part of adolescent development.  Some teens lash out verbally, others may become physically aggressive. If they don't learn how to manage their anger, they could have difficulty in relationships, in their careers, and life in general.   If your child won’t seek professional help there are things you can do as a parent to assist them through this developmental stage.  You can play a significant role in helping your teen gain skills to manage and express strong emotions appropriately.  Consider the following:   Be a good role model: manage your own strong emotions and communicate assertively. Ensure you have a strong relationship with your teen because without this they probably won’t hear the wisdom you do have to offer.   Look for opportunities to connect with your teen.  Help your teen to recognise physical warning signs and identify triggers such as feeling misunderstood, having too many expectations from school or parents or being told “no”.    Discuss with them the difference between anger and aggression.  Anger is important for it tells us something – it could be telling us a boundary has been crossed or that we are overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle something.  Aggressive behaviour however is not OK and this includes both physical and verbal.  Make it clear it is not okay to throw or break things, slam doors or use disrespectful language just because they feel angry.   Don’t try to have rational conversations with your teen when they are experiencing strong emotions. Encourage your teen to walk away from the situation and calm down.  When one is experiencing strong emotions it is very difficult to think rationally.  It is important for both parents and teen to know when to walk away.    Help your teen to find out what calming techniques work for them; it could be deep breathing, playing with the dog or listening to music.  Once calm your teen will be equipped to think rationally, communicate effectively and find a healthy solution.   Teach your teen problem solving skills so they have more in their tool kit than aggression to get their needs met or solve problems.   Sometimes, teen aggression can turn into violence. Having a plan can keep everyone safe. If your teen lashes out at you, someone or something, put safety first. Let your teen know that violence is unacceptable and you will walk away from them until they've calmed down. If leaving the room or house isn't helping, if you feel threatened or scared call the police.     If you would like more information some of these articles may be helpful: How to calm down angry teens  Unpacking anger What happens if I call the police? If you think you would like to discuss these strategies in further detail, you can register for one-to-one support using the link at the end of this post   JM, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support         ... View more

                   Ask a Child and Family Professional                                  Question: How can I help my teen who is self harming?                       Having a teen who is self-harming can be very worrying and upsetting. It can be confronting and hard to understand why it is happening. Young people self-harm for a range of reasons, but it’s helpful to remember if your teen is self-harming there must be some intense, difficult stuff going on for them.   One of the best ways to support your teen is to create a relationship that makes them feel safe to talk about their feelings. Try to keep calm and create opportunities for them to talk. Make time to connect one-on-one in environments that might make conversation feel more comfortable for them. Be as open as you can and remember they may feel ashamed, or worry about your reaction, so remaining calm and not judging what they share will help them feel safe to discuss their thoughts and feelings.     Try starting a conversation about the self-harm, let them know what you have noticed. Calmly and kindly say something like, “I can see you are very upset, and that things are hard right now. I’m here for you, you can talk to me about this. We can work it out together.” It is important to listen to what they say calmly and without judgement and without trying to ‘fix’. Show support and compassion and let them know you care about their wellbeing and that you want to help them.    If your teen opens up about their self-harm it might bring up big feelings for you. Try to remember that although their strategies for coping are not ideal, their distress is real. Even if you don’t understand the reasons behind an act of self-harm, becoming angry or upset is not helpful. Showing compassion and understanding, actively listening and remaining calm will help build trust for your teen. Show it’s ok to speak to you about their thoughts and feelings.   Use curious, non-judgmental questions to work together with your teen. Support them to work out how they feel and why. Problem solve together – help them think about thoughts and situations that may trigger them to self-harm, other positive coping skills they can use and the ways you might be able to support them. If your teen doesn’t want to talk to you about what’s going on, let them know you are there for them whenever they want to talk and offer ideas about who else they could speak to.   Try to encourage them to get professional support. Explain that you want to help but may not know the best thing to do and try to come up with a solution together (e.g. visiting the GP, a school counsellor, a mental health service). If your teen isn’t comfortable seeing someone face to face, suggest phone or online support services such as the ReachOut Youth Forums.   Supporting someone who is self-harming can be stressful, so it is important to look after yourself as well. Looking after yourself and seeking help will make it easier to support your teen and shows them it’s good to seek help when you are struggling.   If you believe your teen needs urgent medical attention, or talks of suicide, it is important to call 000 or take the to the emergency department of your local hospital.     Some things to think about as a parent: What does my teen need from me right now? What will help them know it is safe to talk to me about this? What will help me feel more confident in talking to my teen about this? Where can I get guidance and support from to help me help my teen?   Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support     ... View more

          Ask a Child and Family Professional                           Question: How can I shut down my son's dishonesty?                  It can feel very hurtful and frustrating when your teen is dishonest.  It can also feel very hard not to take this dishonesty personally.  But remember that whilst you might expect your teen to be mature and honest they are still working out how to function in the world.  So this is a great opportunity for reflecting on what’s happening for your teen and with your guidance working towards growth and change.   The first thing to keep in mind is that it’s not helpful to label your teen as a liar.  There is nothing to be gained by doing this, however it could damage your relationship with your teen and also impact on how they feel about themselves.  Instead focus on their behaviour and let them know how it makes you feel.  A great way to do this is by using “I” statements.  For example, ‘I feel really hurt when you lie to me’.  By using these “I” statements you are role modelling a healthy way of expressing feelings whilst also removing blame.   Also have a think about what might be behind your teen’s dishonesty.  What might be motivating them to lie?  Is it because they think you would stop them from doing something? Or perhaps when they have tried to talk about the truth with you it didn’t go well. If you want the truth you need to show your teen that you can handle it. Build your connection and communication with them.  Show them that no matter what they have to say you can sit and listen to them.  Show them that you can do this without judging them or blaming them.  Show them that you can do this even when you feel angry or upset, and you don’t agree with something that they might have said or done.    If you can listen to your teen calmly then they will know that they can be honest with you and you can work together to make a plan to move forward.  Also remember to be honest with your teen.  This will show them that you trust them and that honesty is important to you. Because honesty and trust is a two way street     CW, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

                   Ask a Child and Family Professional Question: I need help with deciding whether or not to allow my 17 year old son to go out this Saturday night, as he has too much work to get done. Do I allow him to go out to an event he has planned for months, and let him reap the consequences of not having his work done? Or do I turn this into a lesson of no work no play?                 This is a tricky one! I wonder if we look at this from a few different perspectives will it help you come up with your own answer. Let's break down some of the questions and statements here.   1) I need help with deciding whether or not to allow my 17 year old son to go out this Saturday night, as he has too much work to get done.   "As he has too much work to get done”- I wonder what your teen’s perspective is on his workload? Have you had a discussion with him about what needs to be done or are assumptions being made. If we can help empower the teen to better understand what needs to be done, what time frames are involved and finally why, you as a parent, are worried- the teen will have more information to make an informed decision.  Possibly your teen may come up with his own solution or compromise based on better information.    2) Do I allow him to go out to an event he has planned for months, and let him reap the consequences of not having his work done? This makes it all a lot harder. Your teen is probably really looking forward to this but at 17 he is most likely in the midst of a serious academic workload. I am not sure that he will fully understand the consequences of his actions and this is a great time for you to both discuss and negotiate an outcome or discuss the reality that sacrifices may need to be made. As the adult you will have a better grasp of what changes could be made so that that all options are considered.     3) Or do I turn this into a lesson of no work no play?   You do have the option of standing your ground and not letting him go. I would encourage you to consider the pros and cons to this decision. Going or not going will have significant consequences, some may be immediate relating to his not going to the event, for example, feelings of missing out on something important with his friends. Alternatively, not completing academic workloads may have longer term consequences.   In summary, this is not a top down situation, your son is probably aware of his workload requirements but is conflicted as he also wants to go to the event. As a parent you can give perspective and encourage negotiation and compromise, and model problem solving skills. Be true to yourself but this is also an opportunity for you to support your teen’s development into an independent adult. Show your teen you can listen to their opinions and trust them to make decisions. Spending time on your connection and communication with your teen will no doubt be a positive outcome of this dilemma, whatever decision you make!   James, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society   Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

                         Ask a Child and Family Professional                     Question: My teen is not getting along with my partner. What can I do?                       This can be really tough- feeling torn between your partner and your teen is not easy. Are you and your partner on the same page regarding routines, boundaries and rules?  If you’re not on the same page, your teen may try to play you against each other and seek out a situation that is more advantageous for them. If you have said no to something and your partner has said yes then the teen is more likely to apply pressure to whomever agrees with their request. This can cause disharmony and even resentment from both parties, your partner does not like being “manipulated” and you may not feel supported in your original decision.   The lack of consistency can bring its own challenge if one partner is being more assertive, controlling or using more excessive consequences than the other partner. The teen may feel undervalued and “that everyone is always telling me what to do”. Depending on the teen, a reminder beforehand or an explanation when being reprimanded can go a long way to a teen feeling that they are important and valued.  It is also an opportunity to explain the reason “why” behind the parents reaction/decision.  Perhaps your partner isn’t playing a parenting role- but their relationship with your teen just isn’t great. Remember to be patient and give your teen time- change is hard for anyone- teens and adults.   Focus on and create opportunities for connection and communication with your teen. Make a point of listening to their highs and lows and when you can, ask specific questions to show understanding and interest, i.e. “how did your friend’s performance go?”  or “did you all work out where you were going to catch up for a surf on the weekend?” If you can, offer ways to help by being part of the solution not a problem solver. For example: “I can give you all a lift to be beach on Saturday at 10 would that work for you all?”  Sometimes focusing on your connection with your teen despite other complications is the best step forward. Modelling this behaviour may also have a positive effect on the way your partner engages with your teen as well. Once you feel more confident in your communications skills, you can start conversations with your teen where they can express how they feel about their relationship with your partner and come up with some solutions on how to improve it.   I hope that these scenarios give you some ideas moving forward. Good Luck!   James , Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

                 Ask a Child and Family Professional Question:How can I support my son who is having trouble managing his emotions at school and keeps lashing out?                             A helpful tip to understanding teenage behaviour is considering the teen brain. Fully developed adult brains have the capacity to be logical and rational. Teen brains’ thought patterns, however, are often emotional and irrational, resulting in teens’ experiencing bigger emotions.  Therefore it’s important that we support them in a non-judgmental way.     Teenagers can make irrational assumptions, which can result in aggressive or disruptive behaviours at school, especially if the teen doesn’t know how to remain calm and emotionally regulate. It’s difficult as parents to support this in school, but by supporting them at home this learning can be transferred to the school setting. Taking time and giving our teens the space to explain their perspective gives ourselves a better opportunity to connect with our teen and understand their motivations. We then show our teens that we can support them rather than trying to solve their problems or “fix” them, as we don’t take away their ability to practice and implement their own solutions. Take the perspective that you don’t have all the answers and ask simple questions of your teen:     I wish that I knew how to …. I don’t know how to do that, how would you do that? Nice Idea! What could we do differently? What can I do to help?  As a parent you may know how to do something faster,  smarter, better…. But it’s the learning that is important for a teen. They need the practice at solving problems. Teenagers still need our help and support though. As parents we can engage our rational brain and stay calm to support them when they are irrational and overly emotional. Schools are a fantastic source of support. Ask who the best point of contact is at your child’s school. A guidance officer, counsellor or deputy principal are all great places to start. Another good support is to speak with your teen, they may be able to identify a good mentor or someone at school that they respect. This person can be a great source of information as well as a point of contact for you. Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

                Ask a Child and Family Professional                     Question: How do I respond to my daughter not wanting to live at home?                 It can be confusing and hurtful when your teen is saying she doesn’t want to live with you anymore. Just understanding she is going through the adolescent stage of development can be helpful for you in managing this time of life.   Teens are searching for their identity and wanting independence and part of this entails pushing back and wanting more control over their life. Teens need to be heard and understood, they need more lee-way, to be able to negotiate what they want. Letting go of control can be really scary for parents but the fact is the harder you fight to control them, the harder they will probably push against you. Letting go of control doesn’t mean you are giving up or that you can’t put boundaries in place. It just means let go of what you don’t have control over and that is your teen’s behaviour.   So what do you have control over? You have control over you and creating an environment that may help your daughter want to stay at home. You could begin by listening more, really listening, she is trying to tell you something. It is helpful to summarise and reflect back what you think you are hearing in order to clarify that you are truly understanding her. You can also validate her feelings and perspective, this doesn’t mean you agree it means you are hearing how this is for her. With this understanding she is likely to be less defensive, calmer and more open. Then you can problem solve together. With this collaborative approach she will begin to feel she has more control over her life. This approach models effective communication and problem solving skills. It replaces control with building connection and therefore the potential to influence.   Some things to consider as a parent… ​Be curious, something is driving your teen’s behaviour How can I show my teen I want to understand, even though I may not agree with them? Who might be able to support us through this challenging time?   JM, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society     Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

  Ask a Child and Family Professional                     Question: What can I do when my teen has no friends?                               Firstly, take a moment to notice how happy or unhappy your teen is. For many teens, one or two close friends is all they need. And don’t forget that a lot of friendships are online these days! If your teen is unhappy due to a lack of friends, it can be real worrying.  Teenagers do move through different friendship circles; and its normal for them to find themselves stuck without any friends. Most parents want to help their kids when this happens, but don’t always know how.  The good news is that building friendships is a skill, which means anyone can learn how to do it. Don’t try lecturing your teen though! When was the last time that worked? Instead, begin by showing your teen how it’s done. Next time you’re at your teen’s school or an event they are involved in, say hello to a parent that you’ve never spoken to and spark up a conversation.   Is your heart starting to beat faster as you think about doing this? If so, you’ll know that confidence is also one of the things that stops people from making new friends. Confidence can’t be dealt with by giving your teen the answers. Instead, open up some conversations that help your teen to break this challenge down into more manageable, bite sized pieces.        Ask your teen: What kind of friends do you enjoy being around? Do you know anyone like that? What would it be like to become friends with them? How could you introduce yourself to this person or these people? What can I do to help?   Peter, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

                          Ask a Child and Family Professional                     Question: How do I support my teen when they are rude and things feel out of control?                                    Isn’t it frustrating when your teen is being rude and you don’t understand why? It’s helpful to try and remember that during adolescence the brain processes the world through an emotional lens and its ability to rationalise and think about consequences is limited. In fact the brain’s capacity to use these higher functions is not fully developed until the age of 25 years!   What this means for your teen is that their emotions can easily get out of control and they find it really difficult to self-regulate.  You need to light the path that will bring them back to the calm. Although it can be really challenging - try to meet their chaos with calm. This can be really tough to do when your teen is pushing your buttons so think of strategies to keep your own calm and be present for your teen in these out of control moments.   Open up the communication with your teen. Listen to them. Then listen to them some more! Try to understand what is going on in their world. Validate how they are feeling. Remember- you can do this without agreeing with the content of what they say.   Use “I” statements to express how you are feeling. This will role model appropriate expression of feeling to your teen. Maybe it will rub off onto them too!   Finally, know when it’s time to take a break. Research tells us that we can’t have a rational conversation when our bodies are heightened and feeling upset and angry. Know that sometimes walking away and coming back to the conversation later is the best thing to do    Some things to consider as a parent… How can I show my teen I want to understand how they are feeling? How can I keep my calm so that I can help my teen to be calm? How can I role model appropriate behaviour to my teen? What are the signs that I need to take a break from the conversation with my teen?   CW, Child and Family Professional at The Benevolent Society Want to ask our Child and Family Professionals a question? Use this link   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more