Thank you Bre-Ro, Until I found this forum I honestly had no idea how many other parents were going through this.  It immediately made me feel less alone. There is no magic answer or cure for what is happening to our children. And the toll it takes on us and our families is horrendous.   Because we are now after so long, seeing some small steps of progress, I want to share that so other mums and dads know it is possible. And when it begins to happen it is an amazing feeling.   But until the big changes start - take the small wins. And do what ever it takes to make your kid feel better. For us it was sometimes having to watch a certain movie - usually animated over and over. Or spend hours just listening to her talk and not trying to fix it! Just listening and acknowledging their pain and their sadness without providing any answer but just love  and support - and telling them that over and over - And always have chocolate in the pantry.   For any parent whose child is having what I call an episode - sobbing, incoherent, upset beyond reason - I would give my daughter a spoonful of honey or a sour lolly - like a gummy worm and encourage her to have it (yes even while she was hysterical) the reason is, the taste shocks the brain into being distracted from what it happening at that time. It interrupts the train of thought and  that is sometimes enough to bring her back to 'normal' so we can comfort her, hold her and she can talk to us rationally.  One of her therapists told me about this, especially before she was on any medication -  and it really works. Sometimes sweet warm tea or warm chocolate - it is like when someone is in shock. On the odd occasion, if she did go out with a friend, her social anxiety would often lead to a panic attack - so I made sure she had some sour gummies in her bag in case she needed to take one to help her lessen the effect of the panic. It's been a while since we had to do that but we know it works and I can recommend it to anyone on here.    We don't always get it right but we are listening to her more and she in turn, because we have been constant in our support even during the darkest days, is more open with us, and apologises for when she turns on us. She has started to return our love and trust. We still have a long way to go but for all of the parents out there dealing with this, don't give up. And stay in touch on here, And if you have friends or family who are not going to dismiss this as adolescent nonsense, and who are supportive - please ask them for support. Even a phone call for you to vent can help. I also have done an online chat with Beyond Blue on a particularly bad day because sometimes it's too hard to physically talk about this, But writing about it, like now, and having someone respond to you with kindness and understanding,  can make all the difference. So don't be afraid to engage on live chats with these services if they are offered.  Good luck everyone and  I will post again. I hope you do too.     ... View more

Hi metoo,   I am so glad you reached out to answer my message. First of all, I want to say I know how you feel. And I didn't follow through on my feelings to walk into the water. I remember that day and it was a horrible day. Being able to talk about it on this forum was really helpful and made me feel I wasn't alone.   For 2 years our daughter had not attended school, was self harming and had lost connection to all her peers. It was and has been a terrible time for us and her twin brother. We had no support from the public health system as resources were so stretched during covid.  She has seen 4 psychologists, one psychiatrist and 2 therapists - the psychiatrist is still working with her but she only gets 15 minutes in a phone call and there have only been two of those in the last 6 months. I should say we did finally find a therapist who she began to see regularly and is still seeing. She also was doing Art therapy - once a fortnight she went to an art therapist - art therapy is about being in a safe place and talking or not talking, but by doing creative things whether its drawing or painting or clay work or making slime, it gives the person a chance to relax and focus on something else. This helped her greatly. She never really thought of it as therapy but after each session, she was more relaxed and had had a good time, I will point out that at this stage the only contact she had with people were myself and my husband, her twin brother and her therapists.   The next biggest help was when her psychiatrist prescribed a medication for her which helped calm down the over activity of her brain and slowed down her 'fight or flight' response.  I dont want to go on too much but I do want you to know that we took the extreme measure of moving house so she is no longer in the area where she felt there were too many bad things that had happened. A few weeks ago we moved away and believe it or not, she is actually going to school. Yes, she started at the local high school after doing two meetings. She had a panic attack after the first meeting. But she persevered with preparing to go back to school and the school as well was amazingly supportive. She has now been to school 10 days after 2 false starts,  It has taken us 2 years, countless therapy sessions, meltdowns, anxiety and near nervous breakdowns for myself and my husband to get here. I finally applied for carer's allowance as I was unable to work full time and even my study and daily life was impacted - I'm sure you know about that. I also applied for my son as he has Aspergers Syndrome.  This has enabled us to have a little money to put toward the cost of therapy as some of it has not been covered by medicare. And the medication which was costing about 39 dollars is now 9.80 as she also received healthcare card. I would be happy for us to keep chatting. Please share with me what you are going through. I found it did help to be on here because I could be honest anonymously. I think that despite the hideousness of the last 2 years, and the struggles we have had finding help, we have remained a close family and it is important that even if you don't understand what your child is feeling or going through, that you continually tell them you love them and you are there for them.  I finally realised I could not 'fix' everything and I was honest with my daughter about that. But  I  began making sure I would say to her - 'I hear how much you are hurting and I may not be able to make it go away but I am right here, I am holding you and I am on your side.' We always tell her no matter what we are behind her. Sometimes she is very angry at us and her anger is caused by fear of what she is going through and the hopelessness she feels. It took me along time to realise that her anger, her abuse and her insults to me were not because she hates me - but because she feels safe knowing no matter what she says, I am there for her unconditionally. Once I realised this, it began to change how I reacted to her abuse or anger. And pretty soon she began to apologise after these outbursts. Now they are much fewer than they were. We went from several a day to now 1  or 2.  She has stopped self-harming. She is going to school and I don't care if she doesn't do her lessons. Because the first thing is to get her back there to socialise and feel like a normal teen. It actually happening. She still is having moments of anxiety - she thinks she doesn't fit in or belong there - but she is still getting up in the morning and going. For months she used to lie in bed all day. stay up all night because she coudldnt sleep. Wouldnt shower or brush her teeth. We almost have our daughter back. It may take another 2 years but we are on the way. Please stay in touch with me. I am here to l listen and I know what you are going through. Even if I cant help I can listen to you and offer support. It is possible to get through this - I dint think it was but now I know it is, SO please let me know what s happening with you and perhaps even talking about it with me might help. Sending you my very best wishes. I look forward to your reply.  ... View more

Hello @maybe    You are not a failure. You are a loving caring parent who is faced with a situation none of us ever thought we would be.   Find a different psychologist immediately or a clinician or social worker who deals with teens. Get your GP to refer you to someone else and  talk to this forum about your feelings. this will help you too.   My daughter has self-harmed -cuts on arm and I give her as much love and affection as I can. She is doing this at home because she feels safe - she knows we will stick with her.  Yoour teen is frightened and lost and anxious and there is no magic cure  But, the right support, the continuation of love and hugs and talk honestly about this with her if you can. Suicidal thoughts and self-harming are demystified if you talk about it. as hard as it may seem. Dont be afraid to ask her if she has a pla if she talks about suicide. If she doesn't then its more a desperate cry for help. If she does, and says so, please take her to the emergency department of your hospital or the children's hospital so they can get you help immediately or ring Lifeline.   The words' I love you unconditionally', and 'I am here' for you have enormous power It won't get through straight away but it will as long as you re iterate.  Talk to the school counsellor, talk to the mental health helplines and get as much advice as you can. Talk to the school about what other support they can offer. Talk to a trusted friend for your own self care. And when you hit that rock-bottom moment and you think you have failed as a mum, remember that because you feel that way means you haven't failed. Because you care so much about your kid you are doing whatever you can to help her. And I know because that is what I'm doing. And today I felt I had failed again. But I haven't because I'm still on her side and doing whatever it takes to help. And so are you. I hear you I feel your pain and your fear and you are not alone. PLease believe that. Warmest wishes to you. ... View more

Hello @Burntoutmama I have a suicidal 13 year old daughter. She has self-harmed. She is seeing a therapist and is on a mild anti-depressant It is a battle every day but we keep going. I feel your pain and understand the sadness and worry you must have.  Everyday I try to investigate more about what I can do to help her and I am there for her whenever she needs me. It is draining and it is tiring. Please make sure you have some support or help from a counsellor as well. You are heard here and I can relate to everything you are experiencing. x PS my daughter is doing Art therapy once a week and this is something that has helped her. It might be something to investigate. ... View more

I feel for your situation. My son (13) has Aspergers and we moved him from his school to a new one. We also made sure the school was aware of and on board with his diagnosis and his self-esteem issues. He now has a small core of friends, he is doing well in classes and he no longer cries at night because he feels 'different'. Please talk to the school and ask them to support him more including ensuring he is not picked on. And please think about moving schools. It is not always the answer but I gave my child all the advice you give your son and it doesn't work if the kids themselves are relentlessly picking on him. But you are so great to be so supportive and believe me that means so much to them. Does the school have a counsellor he can talk to or chaplain? Or is the principal or vice-principal open to discussion about this? You can advocate for him and if they won't or can be helpful, do look at alternatives.  Is he interested in something like Karate or Judo? theses are great activities for helping kids, especially young men, feel confident and my so did classes for about a year and really loved it. I hope you will keep posting as I understand your pain and I wish you all the best. ... View more

I have experienced all of this with my daughter .  I'm so glad you have been able to share this here because we need to be able to unload.  I can tell you about our experience with this if its helps. Since lockdown 2020 our daughter has not attended school, been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is now on a mild anti-depressant. Also taking melatonin at night to help with sleep. She has a psychiatrist but we don't see him all that often. She has days of dark depressive episodes and has self harmed. She has run away but luckily we have always been able to find her and it is never for more than an hour at most.   The one thing we do constantly is tell her how much we love her. How our lives would be bereft without her. At first we were just angry and frustrated but after realising how serious the problem was we began to listen to her more And let her stay in bed. And praise her for small steps.   Her shool has also been very supportive. She has no friends because she is not at school and she has trust issues from being bullied. But the one constant she knows she has is us. Read as much as you can about teenage mental health and also remember that you are not alone. Although I know it feels like it. Is your work aware and helpful? Mine was when I worked - they were very understanding when I had to suddenly leave because of a crisis. Some workplaces offer counselling to their employees so maybe see if this is an option for you.  I feel your pain and your sadness. You are doing everything you can so please don't be too hard on yourself. It's easy to blame ourselves but think of all the people who tell you not to when you do. I have to remind myself of that too! Sometimes even writing about it helps. And in fact, I keep a diary of my daughter's days so we can see a pattern or share particular episodes with her psychiatrist if necessary.  I also record the steps forward and the small wins. My best wishes to you. ... View more

I understand what you are going through to a large extent. My 13yr old has been refusing school since 2020 after the first lockdown We eventually had help through the school for a program which mentors school refusal kids . You might be able to ask the school about it as it is through the school that children can participate. The other thing id say at this point is whatever is happening with his mental health is probably the most important thing to address. And I understand he doesn't want to talk to anyone. This is really hard and I feel for you.  Even if he won't speak to someone, you can get some advice from a trained counsellor or psychologist who understands these situations. They can help you with coping mechanisms and it also gives you a sounding board.  If your son doesn't finish year 10, please don't be too worried. He can always do this through Tafe and sometimes this is better alternative for kids especially if he is having particular problems at school which you are not aware of.  I know how hard it can be when your child will not engage with anyone and is rude. With my child it stems from some deep issues including anxiety and depression. One of the things we do is no matter how horrible she is to us, we always tell her we love her. Because the more they hear this, the more the message gets through and believe me it does make a difference. I really hope you can get some support for yourself and your son eventually agrees to talk to someone, even if it is an online youth forum. Sending you best wishes. ... View more

@TOM-RO thanks for the link to the forum. I am going to share this with my daughter and i feel if she can feel like she is not the only one of her age going through this, she may feel less isolated. thank you. Btw, I only just figured out how to reply properly! I think.. ... View more

Janine-ro I would love my daughter to participate or explore the online mental health forums She is refusing to deal even with those although today I did ask her if she would consider ever talking to someone, her own age or a year or two older, who has been going through this.  She said as long as it wasn't someone just saying they did and now everything was fine and they were all fixed etc. I said I thought it would be more useful, if possible, talk to someone or even a group of people her own age currently experiencing this and talk about the things that do and don't help- under safe and controlled circumstances of course.  Are their online forums like this which would be safe for her to investigate? ... View more

I'm so sorry to read this. I dread the time when we may have to call the ambulance for our daughter. I have tried to find out what exactly happens and now at least I have an idea. Even though we haven't got to the stage, it's been close a few times and it could still happen. I want to say how much I understand the worry and the pain that you are going through with your son. I'm so glad at least there is this forum to talk about it because I need an outlet or else I'll go mad. I get so angry sometimes because I can't fix it. As a parent, I feel I should be able to. But like you, I just keep going and supporting and looking for help when it is there. I sincerely hope there are some easier times ahead for you and for your son. I am always happy to listen and tell you I can hear you, and I care what you are experiencing.  ... View more

I understand how this feels. MY daughter is 13 nearly 14 and we are going through something similar.  ... View more

My 13 yo daughter is refusing to see the psychologist she has recently been assigned with through the mental health program. She was seeing someone privately but unfortunately this person has had to take extended leave for ill health. My daughter is devastated as she really trusts this person. We understand she doesn't want to go through her story again with someone new but the new psych already knows a lot and, is very experienced in teens who self harm and talk about ending it all. She is on medication and this has helped to a degree but she cant go forward unless she has someone to open up to. Apart from me. I  know how to support her but, it is 24/7 as a lot of parents  out there know.  The last time we went to see this person, she had a mild panic attack and then ran away. I had to drive round looking for her and calling her. She answered so i was able to keep her on the phone and find her. I haven't ever wanted to call the ambulance for her severe meltdowns  2hich are mostly  at night but if she won't see the psych, then I'm going to have to the next time Is there anyone who has had to do thins and can you tell me what happens when your child is taken to the hospital? My husband and i work very closely with her but it is taking its toll. Her brother is her twin, and he has aspergers. He is being so great but this is also affecting him. Id like to hear from any other parents who are experiencing similar issues with a teen who has anxiety depression and may possibly be on the spectrum We don't know if she is but its looking more and more like it is possible. thanks for reading its nice to just get it out sometimes. ... View more

  Hi Bre-ro thank you. I am not ok but I am not at that point I was yesterday. I have found the one thing to stop me from taking that step. I just need to get through today and I am seeing my daughters psychologist with her today.  Thank you for reaching out because at the moment that is what I need. i will try to find someone to talk to as well.  I just wanted you to know that I am still here and will not do anything stupid. It was just really bad day yesterday and I am struggling today  as well with a great deal of sadness. thank you .  ... View more

Hi jc707, I wanted to say how sorry I am that your daughter is going through such a horrible time and so are you. My daughter is 13 and going through a very anxious and depressed time and I constantly worry about this scenario. However, she and I talk about suicide in that she knows people do it and some young people. She has talked about self-harming but never done it. I know that despite her sometimes furious anger at me, her dark moods and here massive panic attacks, the fact that she feels she can talk to me about anything helps here enormously. Yes she is also seeing a professional and we may go down the medication path because I don't know what else is going to help at present. But I feel for both of you. Just keep giving her the love you have and listening to everything she says - even if it is repetitious and even if she doesn't want an answer. I'm learning that sometimes my daughter just wants to say stuff without me trying to 'fix' it or come back with anything. She just wants me to listen. I'm sure you already do that because you sound like a great Dad. You are not alone although I know it feels like it. Keep talking to us here because we all need to that support and kind words at a time like this. I am thinking of you both and I really hope things improve. Warmest wishes. ... View more