17 year old not coming home.

[Percattay]

Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I have a 17 year old daughter that over the last two years her behavior has progressively gotten worse.
We have gone from me believing that she was severely depressed, where she refused to go to school or would leave during the day. She refused to acknowledge this idea and would not get help. This came to a head at the end of last year when we were informed that she had not passed year 11 and that she would have to take the year again. Well this was never going to happen as it was hard enough trying to get her there as it was. So we enrolled her into a tafe course of her choice. This was only a 6 month course and has finished now.
My daughter over the last three months has lost so much weight she is just bones. Although I know that she eats as my bank account and ubereats can testify to this.
We seem to have lost all control. She comes and goes as she pleases, even going out of the bedroom window during the night. She thinks that it is acceptable to lie to me constantly about everything in her life.
My daughter is a rescuer, one of her friends only has to shout and she is there regardless of the time. I am concerned that depression is paying a visit and that she can't she out of this hole. We no longer have a relationship as if she is home she is sleeping and if she is not at home I am worried sick and am waiting for that knock on the door. Her only interest is in the moment and not thinking about any consequences. Her risky behavior is very scary.

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Percattay thanks so much for posting.

I am so sorry to hear about this big shift in your Daughter's behaviour, it must be so confusing and painful in the process of it all. We definitely notice a theme on the forums here around the 16-17 year old mark. It's an incredibly taxing time for a young person, their sense of self begins to form, their hormones rage; and the brain doesn't stop developing until it is 25 years of age. As a result, parents have a massive load amidst it all. Even though she is a rescuer, taking care of her friends is quite a positive thing. I know at times you probably wish she would turn some of that care inward, or towards the family, but this shows she has empathy and compassion for people, do you know why she feels so connected to these particular friends? It's great she finished the tafe course, has the behaviour worsened as the study ceased?

We have a free service called ReachOut parents coaching which I would highly recommend checking out. This can be a great support throughout all of these changes with your Daughter, and ensure your own self-care is taken into consideration as well. I will tag some other members in the community for their insight Look forward to hearing from you. 

@Schooner @sunflowermom @taokat @Orbit64

[Percattay]

Thank you Breez-RO for the message. She never finished the tafe course and at the moment she has no work prospects. My daughter has always been a daredevil but as she has gotten older the risks that she is taking could see her get hurt. As for her friends, these change weekly almost. Tonight she is staying at a friend's house but will not tell me who and has turned her phone off.

The coaching sounds like a great idea.

[taokat]

Hey @Percattay, welcome to the forum, and it's great that you've reached out for some support. I was just talking with a friend about how stressful these times are for us as we don't have control and we don't know what the outcome is going to be for our kids. When we see them behaving poorly or making poor choices, we worry it's going to be like this forever!

Your daughter sounds like she has a big heart and is concerned for the welfare of others which is lovely, but I can understand your concern about her placement of that care and concern, and the way she's going about things. It also hurts feeling that distance in the relationship, and I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this. 

My daughter dropped out of her tafe course right at the end as well this year. She's currently not studying or working and has been behaving erratically lately. I've been really stressed about it and have realised that our communication has really broken down, as it sounds it has with you and your daughter. I need to work on this as communication is a huge asset when parenting teens. I'm getting some reminders from the resources on ReachOut, and thought you might gain some benefit from them too. Here is one on communicating with teens, and an interesting one here on risk taking and teens.

The coaching is awesome too, so that's great you're going to look into that. 

How has your weekend gone?

[Percattay]

Hi teokat,

Thank you so must for your message, it means so much to me to know that I am not alone in this, thank you.

I've been able to book a coaching session to hopefully help with communication as at the moment we are walking on eggshells, not knowing what will set her spiraling.

We are trying at the moment to encourage her to go back to study or find employment to give her days some kind of structure. At the very least she has been home for the last two nights so I will take my blessing wherever I can get them.

My Father always said that being a parent is the hardest job that you would ever do, and he wasn't wrong.

Hopefully one day we will both look back on these days and breath a sigh of relief (with a glass of wine in hand lol).

[taokat]

My pleasure @Percattay, and I certainly relate to the value in knowing we're not alone. 

That's great you've got your first coaching session booked in! I've done the coaching and found it to be really useful. They'll help you with some strategies you can use straight away. 

I'm trying to get my daughter back to study as well - I'd be happy even if she did something online. I'm worried about her doing nothing, but just have to take it slowly at the moment. 

What a relief for you that your daughter's been home. As you say, you take the positives whenever they come, and in whatever form they come in!

Is it wrong to look forward to taking that sigh of relief with that glass of wine?! Lol. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @taokat and @Percattay

I totally get what your saying about our kids needing structure and some kind of study or employment.  I am holding my breath as school starts in another 3 weeks and my daughter will be going into 10th grade.  Last year she attended school maybe whole month.  We are trying a partial day to start. Also, a sign language class at our community college a couple nights per week.

She tried to get a part time job this summer but she is only 15 so that was tough and honestly I don't think all her self harm scars helped much however, I never mentioned that to her.

I also worry about my daughter doing nothing- just being at home all day would take a toll on anyone.  One thing we did do after her last hospitalization is start a "schedule" for her day.  I think she likes the structure of that.  It includes exercise and working on a skill on reading, chores around the house,  making dinner once per week, stuff like that.

I agree parenting is the hardest job we will ever have!  And I am pretty sure we all deserve a case of wine.

[taokat]

I really love your ideas for keeping your daughter moving @sunflowermom! Sign language - how fabulous! What beautiful souls you are  

I think coming out of hospital with a schedule for home is the best thing. I was told to leave my daughter and not fuss about getting her to do things, and her counsellor continues to tell her that she doesn’t need to work or study because of her anxiety, so my mentions of study send my daughter into a rage. So my girl believes she’s incapable of doing anything and was crying to me the other night about it. She said she can’t do anything but has dreams and wants things in life and can’t stand the thought of living on the pension in subsidised housing. At the same time she won’t see a new counsellor who will help her believe in herself. *scream* 

Wow, sorry, that turned into a rant!! I’m going back to the thought of learning sign language which warmed my heart. Coping, resetting...

[Percattay]

@sunflowermom, I agree with @taokat, how beautiful to be doing a sign language course and the schedule sounds like a great idea. I will definitely sit down on the weekend and see if we can implement this into our house, thank you for the idea. Taokat we are in the same boat as far as talking about work or study to my daughter. I have always had this fear that I would not have my daughter for a long time, this coupled with her erratic behaviors and rages makes it really difficult to push the issue. I would love to get her into some kind of counseling but I have tried many times and she just runs away. Thank you both for sharing with this newbie and making me feel that I am not losing my mind.

[Taylor-RO]

Sounds like your idea of sign language has created a chain reaction and everyone loves this idea here at ReachOut. Rightfully so, of course!

It sounds like scheduling has worked for a few and that seeing a counselor is a really difficult thing to approach. Does everyone think that the same reaction would be had to helplines or web-based counseling services? @sunflowermom, @taokat, @Percattay