18 year old girl tantrums, no respect

[mrskode]

I have an 18 year old daughter who finished school just over a year ago. Since turning 18 she thinks that she can have her own house rules whilst living in the family home. She had isolated herself in her bedroom.for 2.5 weeks, she only leaves the house for work 1 - 2 days per week. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get her own way, she is defensive, argumentive and rude at home. she is manipulative and trys to play me against hubby. she is rude to her younger brother and sister. she does not speak to me at all. she blames everything on me. I don't feel welcome or comfortable in my own home. I am at a loss about what to do. She has a negative impact on the whole family. she refuses to go to counselling. Any suggestions about how to handle the situation?

[JAKGR8]

Just really quickly until I think further. Are you prepared to remove her bedroom door? She can still have privacy in the bathroom and it’s your house. Privacy is a privilege and if she isn’t willing to have responsibilities and respect then maybe you need to consider cutting back on her privileges.
Sorry the tough love side of me has been triggered by my own kids today so don’t want to keep going and seem abrupt.

[PapaBill]

Hi MrsKode

Sounds like your family is going through a tough time. Situations like you describe can make you dread coming home.

My partners daughter (16-17) was doing similar to us last year (though she was an only child)

She would SMS her mother orders for food from her room, scream and yell and made my partners life hell.  She was lucky enough to be able to come and stay at my house some nights.

In the end one day my partner snapped and said she was moving in with her mother and selling the house.

In response the daughter packed up and left to live with her boyfriends family

Since then their relationship has significantly improved and now her daughter is very appreciative and they do breakfast  

Personally I couldn't believe my partner went there, she is such a gentle person.

Then I believe we were lucky in what happened when her daughter moved out.  It easily could have gone down a very different dark path.

With your daughter, you don't mention a history of mental health issues so I presume she has not been diagnosed with a mental condition?   Without a professional assessment it can be very hard to know the difference.  If she is not willing to be assessed it can it extremely difficult to know.

In either case you need to consider all your family not just your daughter here.

You have a responsibility to protect your son from the conflict and to your own mental health

While there may not be physical abuse I can assure you it is impacting him negatively and possibly permanently

If there is medical issues your daughter may need medical professional help.

Hopefully she would be willing to be checked and if so it may lead to improvement in behaviour.

I presume in my comments below there is not an underlying medical issue here but a behavioural one.

While your love and care for your daughter but sometimes that love means making hard choices.

If your daughter isn't willing to change her behaviour or even consider counselling and has continued this way for a year, she is leaving you with only two choices.   

1) Let her stay and she will continue as she is

2) Let her know while she is always loved the behaviour is not acceptable and if she wont change she has to leave.

Sounds pretty hard I know but there is more than her involved here. 

She is 18 and has choices and must accept the consequences of her actions.

At the end of the day

She does NOT have a right to make your life a living hell

She does NOT have a right to be rude and manipulative to you and your family

She DOES have choices (presuming no medical issues)

She DOES have to accept the impact of her choices

You DO have a right to be treated with politeness and respect

You DO have to protect yourself and your son 

[JAKGR8]

Once again PapaBill has a great answer. I would add that you need to plan and prepare for this. Think about what you want, what you will compromise on and plan for a time when you are mentally able to cope with the backlash/consequences because for this to work you need to stay strong and not back down on the big things.
Good luck.

[mrskode]

Thanks PapaBill. I am in the process of working towards Choice 2 as you suggested. I am trying to find some alternative accommodation for her. Unfortunately, I don't have family that she could live with.

[mrskode]

Thanks JA. I am in the process of trying to find alternative accommodation for her.

[PapaBill]

Hi MrsKode

Sounds like you are moving forward and it is good that your have a path that can lead to a better place. 

That is great.

Just remember It is her responsibility to find somewhere to live if she chooses this behaviour and consequence.   While you want to help and assist her, at the end of the day it is her responsibility to find somewhere alternative.  Don't let her throw back road blocks about your suggestions for her choices of where to live i.e. it to far from her friends, too expensive, too crappy a place. 

It is her life, her choices and her responsibility to find an alternative.

Be on the lookout delaying tactics and try to put the responsibility on you to find a place.

If she is complaining about her options remind her she is always welcome in your home provided her behaviour is appropriate.

If she doesn't like what is available it highlights what she needs to do to get better options.

I 

[mrskode]

Thanks PapaBill. I think she will throw road blocks either way. I am trying to come with 2 or 3 accommodation options, so that she has some options to choose from and then it is her decision. if she says no to all of these options, then it will be her responsibility to find something else with 30 days.

[PapaBill]

Sounds like your got the easy part well in hand - the setting of the plan

Now the hard part - sticking to the plan and making it happen 

Good luck.. let us know how it goes.

Hope it leads to a better place for everyone

[mrskode]

I agree PapaBill. Making it happen isn't going o be easy. But I think it has to happen, even it ends ups being just for a short term.

I will let you kmow how things work out.