I hear your frustration and concern @Aussiemom. I've been in a very similar situation to you. We had help from The Benevolent Society which has been invaluable to us. Our caseworker helped me to understand my daughter's thinking, and helped me with my reactions to her. She also worked with my daughter and helped her to understand her emotions and helped us both with positive communication skills.
I can also recommend a course called 'Tuning In To Teens'. It teaches how the teenage brain operates, and you learn new communication and parenting skills that really work to improve your relationship with your child. I did mine through Mission Australia for $20. That donation can be waived if you are struggling.
Calm communication is the key that changed my relationship with my girl. It allows for negotiation in rule making, and your son can learn to be part of the family unit in a positive way. I have a word for this belief of kids but particularly teens, that they can successfully wear adult shoes - they think they have it all worked out, but we see the reality, and see them stumbling along in these boots that are way too big - Paediocracy.
It's so hard when punishments are ignored and you feel hopeless and so disconnected. My daughter used to run the roost here too. I was advised that as long as she was safe, to call her bluff on her threats. She did punch the wall once which resulted in a trip to the hospital with suspected broken knuckles. She was lucky not to break them, but the doctor explained the casting if she had broken them, and told her she wouldn't be able to play computer games for possibly 2 months with it. She hasn't done it again! When things are calm maybe mention that or leave some info in his room to read over. If he's a gamer that will give him something to consider! Next time go out. My girl was a trasher too - it quickly lost it's power when I started reacting calmly. It stopped very quickly.
It is true too that his life is about his choices too. When my daughter has no interest, I remind her that her education, her choices are hers. Nobody else can do it for her, only she can. I can love and support her, but I can't make her the life she wants. That is up to her, and there are benefits and/or consequences for our choices. (Another example of paediocracy - expecting to have the choices without the consequences!)
You clearly love him very much. Hopefully some of the options given by the parents here will give you options and some hope.
Do you have any self care plans in place for yourself? There is a topic on self care in the forums or feel free to ask if you need some help for yourself. Hugs.
