04-03-2017 12:21 PM
04-07-2017 03:44 AM
Hi @Aussiemom, fantastic suggestions provided by all here, as usual! I won't bombard you with too much more, except to say my daughter is now in year 10, studying via distance education due to her refusal to attend school. That could be another option to discuss with your son's school?
Or TAFE could be his favoured option if he'd like to get a trade.
Hang in there!
04-07-2017 01:36 PM
Just so you know you're not alone, school refusal is one of the biggest issues faced by parents today. It's an ongoing debate between parents and Education Departments. Especially when the legislation was changed to a minimum school leaving age of 17 years old with at least a school certificate or a Cert.2.
It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in.
04-07-2017 07:15 PM
wel I thought I might give an update on my son and unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse anyway got him into distance education and he started to do the work but as time went on it got to difficult for him. Do as his friends where more important. With constant fights with him I rang the education council and she said not to push him he will be 18 this year he needs to take responsibility for his actions so study is off and he won't complete yr12. His attitude even thou not really disrespectful he comes and goes as he feels like it comes home when he wants doesn't let me know when he will return. He has started playing a computer game again and last night when he abused his sister about the bad internet connection I took the modem off him well that started a 5 hr fight ending with him trashing his room, I ended up sleeping on the lounge with only 4hrs sleep. Anyway the next day we had plans to go out and my 17yr old text me saying if I didn't leave the modem behind he would smash holes in our walls and trash the house so I had to stay home will hubby took the girls and went out just to protect our home. He ended up going out with his friends but came and went as he felt like it. I am a wreck nerves are shot and don't know what to do. He is being punished but all I can do is not to give him money or drive him anywhere and just make sure that he has food and a roof over his head but that's it. I love him so much but the way he acted the other night wasn't on and I'm so lost as to what to do any suggestions would be great. Do I ask him to leave and possible never see him again? I'm don't want to give up on him but I don't know what to do.
04-07-2017 09:23 PM
@Aussiemom thank you so much for sharing this, it sounds like you really feel as though you're walking on eggshells at the moment, despite your immense love for your boy. It's really a hugely transitional time when a young man approaches eighteen and no doubt is testing the entire family. Adolescence is a time of significant growth and development inside the teenage brain and it sounds like your son is exhibiting a lot of unpredictable behaviour as a result.
There's a couple of key services I would like to link up in here for you, you may well already be aware, but it could be a good time to seek some professional support around the issue if you feel it's interfering with your family life immensely. There's of course Relationships Australia [click] As well as parent support services such as this one that may be of assistance.
How have you been going with your own self care during this time?
04-07-2017 10:03 PM
04-08-2017 12:19 AM
I have been in contact with headspace just waiting for a reply so I am willing to talk to anybody I can and just trying to keep lines of communication open as much as possible. I've never been good at self care and unfortunately this hasn't helped, I have always put myself last children come first with me which I know has affect my mental health but am managing with anti depressants and my doctor. Thanks for the reply
04-08-2017 12:20 AM
I haven't heard of mercycare as I'm in NSW but we do have headspace which is supposed to be awesome for teenagers and family just waiting for them to reply to my email. Thanks for the support
04-08-2017 01:03 AM
I hear your frustration and concern @Aussiemom. I've been in a very similar situation to you. We had help from The Benevolent Society which has been invaluable to us. Our caseworker helped me to understand my daughter's thinking, and helped me with my reactions to her. She also worked with my daughter and helped her to understand her emotions and helped us both with positive communication skills.
I can also recommend a course called 'Tuning In To Teens'. It teaches how the teenage brain operates, and you learn new communication and parenting skills that really work to improve your relationship with your child. I did mine through Mission Australia for $20. That donation can be waived if you are struggling.
Calm communication is the key that changed my relationship with my girl. It allows for negotiation in rule making, and your son can learn to be part of the family unit in a positive way. I have a word for this belief of kids but particularly teens, that they can successfully wear adult shoes - they think they have it all worked out, but we see the reality, and see them stumbling along in these boots that are way too big - Paediocracy.
It's so hard when punishments are ignored and you feel hopeless and so disconnected. My daughter used to run the roost here too. I was advised that as long as she was safe, to call her bluff on her threats. She did punch the wall once which resulted in a trip to the hospital with suspected broken knuckles. She was lucky not to break them, but the doctor explained the casting if she had broken them, and told her she wouldn't be able to play computer games for possibly 2 months with it. She hasn't done it again! When things are calm maybe mention that or leave some info in his room to read over. If he's a gamer that will give him something to consider! Next time go out. My girl was a trasher too - it quickly lost it's power when I started reacting calmly. It stopped very quickly.
It is true too that his life is about his choices too. When my daughter has no interest, I remind her that her education, her choices are hers. Nobody else can do it for her, only she can. I can love and support her, but I can't make her the life she wants. That is up to her, and there are benefits and/or consequences for our choices. (Another example of paediocracy - expecting to have the choices without the consequences!)
You clearly love him very much. Hopefully some of the options given by the parents here will give you options and some hope.
Do you have any self care plans in place for yourself? There is a topic on self care in the forums or feel free to ask if you need some help for yourself. Hugs.
04-08-2017 11:02 AM
Thank you for your advise it does sound like very similar situations, we are really trying the no yelling approach with him and that everything he does is his decision and will affect his future but at the moment since this last blow up he has left the house and I haven't seen him for 2days, I know he is safe but I just want him home with us.