Concerned about 15yr old daughter

[Clarabelle20]

My 15yr old is creating a fake online persona and lying about being ill.  I am so upset.  This is not the first time she has done this, but I really thought we were past all this.  

A bit of background, she suffered a major bereavement 5yrs ago when her Dad died very suddenly.  She then endured 2yrs of bullying at school, resulting in very low self esteem and anxiety.  Moved school and she has been improving so much.  In Jan this year, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness, but she has coped really well.  This past year, I have seen a huge improvement in her. She no longer takes her anxiety medication, has been doing fantastic at school and has sat all her exams.  

Then tonight, out the blue, I get a DM on Instagram from a "friend" of her's (an online friend) saying she is wondering how my daughter is as she has deleted her account for some reason and that she is so inspirational after her cancer ordeal?! 

I haven't replied to this message.  My daughter doesn't and hasn't had cancer.  I desperatley want to help her.  I want to try and approach this carefully this time.  Last time, she done very similar she was younger, and I was so shocked and upset, I didn't handle it as well as I could.  She does talk to me, she doesn't shut me out.  She never sees friends outwith school, as she either isn't well enough or doesn't want to.  She always wants to be with me.


I need to speak to her tomorrow about this, but I need to sort this properly this time, for her sake and mine.  I cannot keep going through this cycle, of thinking she has turned a corner, trusting her again and then I doscover more lies.  She has tried counselling before.  She had bereavement counselling when she was younger.  She has also had a few sessions late lastyear, based more on her anxiety and self esteem and confidence.  But she never continued with it, not wanting to, and also pressure of exams.  I know counselling isn't for everyone, but I feel she needs more help than I can provide.  

Anyone been through similar? Any advice on how to handle this, why she is doing this? Thanks

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Clarabelle20 welcome to ReachOut and thanks for getting in touch. I'm sorry to hear the difficulty you and your daughter have been experiencing since the loss of her dad, as well as the bullying and the autoimmune illness, that is a lot for anyone to have to experience. Despite all the challenges it's great to hear you have seen a huge improvement in her and that she has been doing really well at school, she's sounds incredibly resilient.

I can only imagine how shocked and confused you must have been to have found out that she has been lying about having cancer, particularly after her progress. You mentioned that this is something she did when she was younger. I'm wondering what happened during that time when you spoke to her and if she provided any reasoning for it? I can see that you care about your daughter a lot and want to do what's best for her in terms of support. It's good to see that she has tried and been open to counselling before. Is there a school counsellor available that could provide some support or some local services you could get in contact with specifically for youth?

I've noticed that your location is based outside of Australia so I just need to advise that any links or services we provide on here will be relevant to locations within Australia but I encourage you to seek support locally. Self-care is really important during this time and I'm wondering how you are looking after yourself? We're certainly here to listen and support you as best as we can. I'll tag some of our members for some further support too @taokat @sunflowermom @hippychick @Tulip. 

[Breez-RO]

Hi @Clarabelle20 we are here to listen. Keen to know if there are any updates and what you thought of @Lan-RO's insights?  

[Clarabelle20]

Thanks for replying. Yes, I'm not in Australia, I didn't realise at first that this site was but it seemed one of the best and most active when I was searching.
She always gets upset when i confront her, says she doesn't know why she does this. It seems to be partly for attention from her peers. She has friends at school, a really good mix of friends but it seems to worry her that she doesn't have a "best friend".
She is a different girl since her Dad died. She used to have lota of hobbies, but gave them all up. She was confident etc. I truly wish she could see herself through the eyes of others as she is such a caring girl and all her teachers etc speak very highly of her.
Its our summer hols just now so no one I can make contact with at school. Last time she done this was school hols to......

I think I will get in touch with jer counsellor again but I cannot fo that until Monday.

I will chat with her this afternoon as I have an interview shortly.

I just feel we nees to get to the bottom of it this time as she is obviously vulnerable and although she talks of going to Uni in 2yrs time etc if she carries on like this I feel she will become even more vulnerable away from home.

Her Lupus diagnosis I think worries her more than she lets on. Although her case is mild compared to some, she does suffer a lot of pain.

I will let you know how it goes once I speak with her. Thakks x

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Clarabelle20 well it definitely sounds like your daughter has a few adversities in this life and does a pretty extraordinary job of overcoming them. The loss of her Dad mixed with her diagnosis must be so very challenging. But from such pain can an exceptionally strong young woman grow - it sounds like she has a fantastic parent in you to guide and support her throughout the journey. In saying that it is not always easy, please keep using our community for peer support, and to gain some more insight and feel a little more supported

[taokat]

Hey @Clarabelle20, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear of you and your daughter's loss and I can only imagine how tough a time that must've been and my heart goes out to you all.

It sounds as though your daughter has made incredible progress and has plans for her future which is encouraging. In light of all this, and your close relationship, I can understand how shocked you would've been to receive this message about your daughter. 

My daughter used to fake injuries quite a bit. We ended up keeping a pair of crutches and a fracture boot for each foot. She used to insist she couldn't walk when x-rays came up clear and there was no bruising. Her pain was on the inside, and it was her way of getting the care and attention she needed. I wonder if your daughter's claims of having cancer represented a similar need being filled? I'm sure it must be confusing for her as well. That'd be great if she could see her counsellor again and get some support to help her sort through what's going on for her. 

I hope your talk goes well, we're here to support you either way. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Clarabelle20

I am sorry you are your daughter are going through this tough and confusing time.  You sound like an amazing mom.  I can tell you and your daughter are very close.  You guys have been through so much.

Part of me is wondering if she put this stuff about cancer online about the dame time she found she had Lupis?  Was she reaching out on line and saying cancer instead of Lupis?

Even is she may have been trying for attention she was also probably supporting others and building connections.  I know sometimes our teens feel so lonely inside even when they have us that they will do anything to build their own connections.

From my own experience with my daughter sometimes our kids do impulsive things without realizing the consequences.  And I never do get to the complete reason behind it.  Sometimes I have to do my best to understand after I talk to my daughter- forgive her and remind her I am always here for her.

Hugs to both of you!

[taokat]

Hey @Clarabelle20, I just wanted to check in and see how things have been? Were you able to get hold of your daughter's counsellor?

Please remember we're always here to support you