Daughter's boyfriend

[Nwsyd]

My daughter 17 yo has a boyfriend ( same age)behind my back for 3 months (im guessing) now that i found out about it, we had arguments because of so much lying, disrespectful towards me and husband, blaming me for her issues and i also find out they both apparently did this behind parents, means his parents also still dont know till now.
Im not allowing to hanging out with her friends or meet him, specially until he tell his parents (but I didn't tell her that my goal is to slow it down, because i found out they already had sex), they basically calling, texting everyday. I'm not sure why the boy refused to tell the parents and very good in hiding it.
My daughter invited him to her formal and now i that have his mother contact no. Is it right for me to contact the mother to get to know and I don't want to tell straightaway but maybe just giving some hints that they're dating? Wouldn't the mother deserve know what's going on in his son life? Or should i leave it..

[Blake-RO]

Hey @Nwsyd 
Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like it has been a challenging situation for you.
I can hear that you are feeling upset and frustrated by the situation and by the arguments and lying. I can hear how much you care about your daughter and am mindful of how this must be making you feel. It is very understandable that you are feeling this way, especially when trust and honesty are very important.

I was wondering if you have tried having a conversation with your daughter about this? Sometimes communicating how you are feeling and raising your concerns can create an opportunity for you both to better understand each others perspectives. Do you think that this would be helpful?

If this is something that you are interested in, we have some resources about communication here that might be helpful to have a look through. We also have an article around building trust that you may also find helpful. I know that you mentioned that her boyfriends’ parents are not aware of the relationship, and I was wondering if you have spoken to your daughter about this and tried to understand why?

I also wanted to share this article with you about romantic relationships and teenagers which has some information that you may find helpful.

[Nwsyd]

We did had a talk with my daughter, she asked him if he can let his parents know about dating, but he totally refused. My idea is for them have healthy start of the relationship, if his parents know, they can look out his son while his dating my daughter and vice versa.
Then I feel more safer for them to be dating and hanging out.
I'm bit confused whether Is this wrong idea? Or it doesn't really matter if his parents know or not about this as long as she's happy..

[Hannah_RO]

Hi @Nwsyd , it’s great to hear that you had a chance to chat with your daughter about the situation. It sounds like she was quite receptive to the conversation, and decided to have a chat with her boyfriend as a result. 

It's completely natural to have concerns about their well-being and safety. It's understandable that you want both sets of parents to be aware of the relationship so they can provide support and ensure a healthy start for your daughter and her boyfriend. While this might be the ideal, as your daughter's boyfriend is hesitant to share the information with his parents, it might be worth discussing this further with your daughter and exploring alternative ways to ensure their safety and well-being.

I see that @Blake-RO has shared some articles on effective communication, building trust with your teen, and supporting teens through romantic relationships. Did you find any strategies in those articles that you’re wanting to try with your daughter? 

It’s a really tough situation to navigate, but it’s clear that you have your daughter's best interest and safety in mind, which is the most important thing