Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

[Carebear75]

We are having trouble with our 15 year old daughter whom has become very defiant and selfish. She has always been headstrong since she was little but it has now come to a point where she is threatening to leave because she doesn't get her way. Lies have become part of the norm which us frustrating even more or pushing the blame of to others. She is a very intelligent girl but plays dumb to fit in. I have always gone into bat for her when my husband & I have had arguments about her behavior or there has been other issues but i know longer can do this. She is a well mannered kid & we get compliments for her regularly but at home she is uncooperative, rude, nasty (especially to her younger brother) & defiant its her way or no way. She is never willing to compromise whether its to do with work, house chores or even not being on her phone past a certain time. Even grounding her for lies has back fired to the point where we were away & she was staying with a family member & arrange to have a heap of her friends over there place knowing we wouldnt allow it. We are at out wits end any suggestions of who to talk to for help. We are lost

[taziness]

Hello there @Carebear75

I hear your frustration, teens can be so harsh on us, but also on themselves. Do you have any ideas about what is going on for her underneath the angst and lies? It sounds like communication has hit a bit of a wall, which is so upsetting as a parent isn't it?! ReachOut has a good page on family conflict, it might be a good place to check out? 

Hang in there! xx

[Ngaio-RO]

Welcome @Carebear75 Thanks so much for posting. I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you guys. I can hear how at the end of your rope you are. It's a horrible feeling as a parent to be out of ideas 

You might want to consider the ReachOut Parents Coaching. It's free, online and run by professionals from The Benevolent Society. You can focus of specific concerns, like managing your daughter's behaviour at the same time as you improve your communication skills.

TBS have been running this face to face for years and it's resulted in a great number of parents feeling more connected to their teenager. We partnered with them so it can be offerred to parents Australia wide.

If you click here you can check it out and see what you think. 

[readthemanual]

@Carebear75 I am sorry to hear about your hard time with your daughter. However, I have to be frank with you that I don't like the words you are using for a 15y: defiant, rude, disrespectful.

We as parents are not saints, we can sometimes act as defiant, rude and disrespectful too. but we certainly don't want to be labeled with these words.

I guess you are really upset but maybe your daughter too? Why not calm down and contemplate the history of your relationship with your daughter and how these words came into the scene. 

I think parent couching is a good idea which might help you to understand your daughter who also wants to be respected.

[TeenToddlerKids]

Hi @Carebear75

I have a 15 year old boy, I totally understand your frustration at the moment. I have found that backing off has really helped my boy's responses, and when I looked at why that was working I realised that I was unintentionally asking more of him than I thought I was. I have also found that asking once and ignoring "no" has made a difference to how I'm feeling (I'm learning that a lot of my kids responses are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling in that moment)

Is it possible for you to take a step back from her and "recalibrate" (for us, it's kind of "ignoring" him, getting out for a walk with the dogs, not engaging with him [hard to do sometimes])?

[Carebear75]

Thank you

[Carebear75]

Thank you for your suggestions this is something we will absolutely look into

[Carebear75]

Thanks for your feedback. But do you not think we already second guess ourselves & wonder what we are doing wrong. Unfortunately, i do not know what other words to use for her behavior towards not only us but even her grandmother whom she has always a very special bond with. Simple tasks such as asking her to have a shower or get up ready for school she will ignore us. She believes she doesnt have to follow our rules such not talking on her phone at 11pm at night or coming home when we ask her too. There is no compromise we asked her finish her part time job at 9.30pm at night but no she will go till 10pm Or 10.30pm & then muck around coming out which means we are missing out on sleep as well. You have made us the parents out to be all at fault & meanwhile we should feel like dirt becauae we let her control us

[Carebear75]

Thanks, for your feedback but we seem to find most of the time it doesn't matter whom, how or when its asked or discussed or anything we are ignored or its a no i dont want to or she will start an argument. Both our kids have chores such as dishes or wiping up regularly if its her night to wash we are lucky if the dishes are done 2 hrs after dinner by that time we are starting to tell our son its time for bed. She can be the most enjoyable & loving kid.

[motherbear]

Dear Carebear, I hear you ! My daughter can be the same . Part of it is teenage kick back as they start to develop their independence and separation from parents as their own identity but they also are still in " me first mode " and do not look at how their actions or lack of affect the whole family system . Some ideas ;

1. Pick your battles , if you are on her back about every little thing that she fails to do she will feel harassed , dig her heels in and get defensive/ belligerent . 

2. If you pick a battle , NEVER lose !! Keep your tone the same and repeat it a number of times , if she arks up then tell her if  it needs to be done by 5pm or you will turn off the internet for the night  or whatever her currency is .  Always follow through ! She needs to be able to predict the consequences of her behaviour . You must be consistent . 

3.  When she does the smallest thing right or you catch her saying / doing something nice to or for others praise her . 

4. when things are calm and she is in a good mood , chat to her about her life her friends , your life , funny things that happened to you or someone else in the family .

5 . It's very important to make daily warm connections with her so that she doesn't just know you love and respect her , she FEELS it on a daily basis. If your encounters are all daily negative that is what she will preempt every time you enter her room . ( What the hell does Mum want now ! ) 

6. Find out if there is any underlying issues with others or with you . If she has unresolved issues with you , own it and apologise for her feeling upset about that . You might not agree with how she sees it , but she has a right to her perception of it and her feelings are real , you don't have to agree with her , and say so , you just need to acknowledge you get she is hurt . 

7 . Model what you want from her  with her . It does come back , believe me I am evidence- based lol !! Let us know how you go 😊