False Accusations?

[GiGi74]

My teen daughter is 15 almost 16. She is shy yet friendly, a good student, has a good head on her shoulders, responsible, always stays at home and rarely goes to hang out with peers,and always has been against any kind of drugs or alcohol after seeing what we went thru with her older brother. However, a few months ago while hanging out with a friend she tried marijuana for the first time. We were absolutely shocked and she was so upset with herself for four against what she believed in. Last week we had suspicions that she might be doing it more often. She swears no, but again we have been down this road with her brother so we are well aware of the signs. My question is this, if we make her take a drug test and she really isn’t doing anything how is that going to affect our relationship and if she is what do we do next? We are very close and I am afraid how this will affect our relationship.

[gina-Ro]

Hey there @GiGi74 , This is a really tough situation to be in! 

Like you said - in making her take a drug test, she will know you don't believe her, and it could impact the relationship. 

A few ideas I have . 

The first is about giving your daughter access to good information and education about drugs - specifically marijuana is a good place to start - she can then make a more informed decision about using it or not. 

We have information for young people on our youth website here - it might be insightful for you - or as something to show her.

Knowledge is power for young people, and helping her to understand the risks could be helpful - What reasons have you given her to not smoke marijuana? 

The second is how to communicate - You mentioned your son also went through this - I wonder if that's something you can bring up with your daughter, and ask her her thoughts on his journey with weed? 

I'm wondering too, if your daughter could be worried about disappointing you or getting in trouble by being honest about her drug use.  

Is there a way you can open up communication so that you can best support her to make good decisions? 

Sometimes teens make decisions, or experiment in ways that aren't in line with what their parents want - and keeping communication open through that stage is key in maintaining a positive relationship. 

Keep us updated 

[PapaBill]

Hi @GiGi74 

This is a tough one. While I do love the idea of testing and getting a definitive answer I just dont think it will work.

I am not sure how you can "make" and almost 16 take a drug test. Even if you do Marijuana urine tests are not necessarily going to tell you anything of practical use. With casual use, the drug may not show up after 48 hrs. It can show up longer with prolonged use, but it unless you test 2 times a week you really not going to know for sure.

On the relationship side -
a) If she is taking drugs it is not likely she will agree if she has been using recently - And it will insisting will damage your credibility when she refuses.
b) If she is not taking drugs then she is going to feel hurts and distrusted and that will definitely damage your relationship.

I do think discussing the concerns you have are much more positive way to go.

It is possible by sharing your concerns you might be able to guide them away from the drugs and if not you might be able to at least reduce some of the more risky behaviours.

The sad fact is even if you know the truth you cant control what she is going to do with her friends when she is out of your home so you need to try and educate and teach your child to make good choices.  

[Dad4good]

Hi @GiGi74 ,

Agree with @gina-Ro  and @PapaBill ,

Wasn't going to post anything further (personally I think its all about communication and building that relationship - after all, we don't really have much control over their choices).

However, I will share that IN THE PAST I too have wanted a drug test for my son. For me it was more about giving the professionals a clearer understanding of what they are working with.

I did request if from my son a few times (when he would come home from being missing for a couple of weeks and I could see he was "not himself"). I was honest with him (that it could help his support services) and emphasised that it was important to know if other people could have slipped him something (without his knowledge) that could interact with his medications. Anyway, he always refused.

Its a little sly, but you could go to your child's school and ask them to request the drug test. My son's school recently requested one from my son (without me approaching them about it - they had their own reasons for wanting him tested). He actually let me take him! I know its manipulative - and it could all go wrong - but you could avoid being the "bad guy" if you did it this way.

OK, so this wasn't my most proudest post . . . but seriously, don't you love the situations you find yourself in as a parent!

Best of luck

[JayB2k03]

Well depending on the kind of drugs your son was doing, this situation must be handled totally differently. First of all, weed is a soft drug and isn't very harmful when used in moderation. Secondly, it is way less harmful and addictive than cocaine. She really might just need to go through this. If her grades stay up and she becomes a little more extroverted, there really isn't much danger that you need to focus on. Also, trust your daughter. If she says she isn't smoking weed, she may not be. Maybe her friends were, or maybe she's stopping. Either way, if you want to talk to her, remember that it's her life. Her decision. Don't treat her like a kid or a junkie, treat her like a daughter and a trusted ally. Hope this helps.