Family violence restraining orders

[Desparatemum]

My 15yr old boys behaviour has rapidly gone down hill in last 9 months. He has left home twice each time for about 2 months and really not knowing where he was for some time. He has now come home again and continues to not live by our rules in our house. Not really hard- no drugs alcohol, respect and honour to family members, check in with us if he wants to go out and tell us where he is going etc. had to call police on him the other night due to him being destructive in and around our home. He uses foul language towards us and verbally abused us. He does not interact with us in our home, refuses to eat with us. Walk outs whenever he feels like it. We know he is doing marijuana and who knows what else. My husband wants to take out a FVRO for protection but am scared this will be a mark on his life for jobs etc. but we can’t live like this anymore. It is destroying me and my family unit. I feel very uncomfortable in my own home as he can be a little unpredictable. We have tried many times to sit and talk with him but he just won’t talk to us and gets very angry. So desperate!!!!
Anyone have any experience with FVRO??

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Desparatemum , 

That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and your family, I can imagine that it would have been an awful feeling having to call the police when your son became abusive like that. 

There's some great support services that will be able to give specialised advice around a FVRO :

In Western Australia, the Domestic Violence Helpline gives specialised support, you can contact them on 1800 007 339- because the specifics of domestic violence orders are different between the states, they're probably in the best position to give you specific advice about the implications of taking out the order, and can also refer you to other local services that can give you some more support.:

The Domestic Violence Helpline is a state wide 24 hour service. It provides information, support and referral for people experiencing family and domestic violence as well as for those who are concerned about their violent and abusive behaviours. Help can include phone counselling, liaison with police if necessary, support in escaping situations of family and domestic violence and referral to safe accommodation.

This service can also provide information about accessing legal advice, accommodation and other support services for people who have been served with a violence restraining order. (https://www.dss.gov.au/women/help-is-here-campaign)

1800 RESPECT are another excellent service who are available 24/7 with specialist counsellors who are really skilled and knowledgeable about family violence.

I can imagine that it must be such a stressful experience for your whole family, you deserve to feel safe in your own home- do you have any other children?  Is your son still attending school at the moment?  I'm also wondering if your son has ever seen any mental health professionals at all? 

We have heard in the past from parents who've been through similar experiences with their kids - I just thought I would link to this thread here, in case it's helpful for you to read about other people's experiences. Thinking of you and your family -please keep us posted on how you're getting on. 

[Desparatemum]

Thank you for that information. I will definitely look into this.
My son attends school when he feels like it!!!!! He is going into yr 11 this year. We have offered to help him get a full time job this year or an apprenticeship but he just won’t work with us. It’s very frustrating.
No mental health involvement. We have tried to get him to counselling but he will not have a bar of it. School have offered psych help but he has refused also.
We have a 14yr son also with us. My older son will not have anything to do with him which creates problems with seeing our grandchildren. It certainly effects everyone in the family. My husband and I have just engaged with counselling for ourselves and guidance with him. At first we just wanted someone who could mediate for us between him and us but he won’t do anything like that.
I can’t believe we are in this situation in my family.
Thank you for the support

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Desparatemum 

Thanks for your quick response, let us know how you go with looking into the services Janine suggested, I hope they are helpful. 

That does sound very frustrating that your son is keen on school or work at the moment, we have a content piece here on school refusal that some other parents have found useful if you wanted to have a look.

I'm really glad to hear that you and your husband are getting some counselling, you deserve to have support too <3 How is that going for you both? I understand ideally you wanted this to include your son, is this something you could maybe talk to your counsellor about in future?

[gumleaf]

Hi, it sounds like Janine has given you so much more info that I can. All I can say is try and take care of what is within your ability to take care of. No doubt it is sooo hard for you guys and not to mention upsetting. It almost sounds like your son wants attention but he wants you to give attention to his anger, and the fact he is angry. All I can offer is that I would try giving him empathy and love when you can, but keep firm on the family impacts when he steps out of line. There is an acronym which might help for difficult conversations: S.B.I.E (S=Situation - for example: "Look mate we love you and we want you to be happy, but you keep getting angry with us"). (B=Behaviour - for example: "you have been swearing and really angry towards us"). (I=Impact - for example: "when you are really hurtful it makes us all feel so upset, it must upset you too"). (E=Expectation - for example: "we are here for you, but the expectation is that you meet us half way and look at what you are doing, there's got to be some respect).
I'm really sorry if this is old news, just throwing to you what I can think of to help. Take care, best wishes 💚

[Desparatemum]

Thanks so much for that. It certainly is not an easy season.