HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sunshine72]

16yr old Teen refusing any help or communication. No matter how calm and supportive I remain and constantly tell him how much he is loved and always there to help when he's ready,  he still refuses. I have tried active listening and acknowledging his feelings but no matter what he then pushes the boundaries further.  Over the past year he has become more and more withdrawn, poor sleep, poor diet, falling grades, in trouble, defiant, refuses to communicate, lies, stays out way too late, too much technology. If I try to gently broach any of the subjects it sets him off. He becomes more angry and refuses to follow any rules telling us he will come home when he wants not when he is told. Is vaping and I believe hanging with a bad crowd. Refuses to tell me where he is and who is with. Treading on egg shells 24/7. If we try to put a some boundaries (try to jointly decide them) or rules or consequence in place he just constantly says, I'm grown up now, just leave me alone, usually with a storm out of the house.  Doesn't answer my calls.  Only comes home when as calm and as reassuring I remain I message him from 10pm onwards to say 'if I don't where you are or who you're with and you're not coming home then I will need to call the police for assistance to help.'  That's when I get a barrage of verbal 'text' abuse about what joke I am and who would call the police, but it's the only option I feel I have. That's when he makes his way home but locks himself in room and the next day it all starts again! 

HELP! 

#worried parents. 

[Iona_RO]

Hi @Sunshine72  i’m really sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re having with your son lately. It’s completely understandable that you’re concerned about his behaviour and well-being. You sound like an incredibly caring and supportive parent who is doing your best to keep him safe. Letting him know that he is loved, actively listening to him and acknowledging his feelings can certainly go a long way, even if he initially pushes back
Have you been able to speak with your son’s school about how they might be able to support your son’s behaviour or any recommendations they may have? They may have support services available to help address some of the challenges he’s facing.

In addition to the strategies you’ve already tried, I wanted to share some articles that might give you some things to consider trying with your son:

Behaviour changes in your teen
Effective communication and teenagers
How to talk to your teen about vaping
Setting boundaries with your teenager
Things to try: Family conflict

I hope you find these articles helpful. Alternatively, the Raising Children’s Network also has some helpful resources.

Please remember to take care of yourself during this challenging time too. Do you have any supports for yourself at the moment? Such as a friend, family member or professional? Parenting a teenager can be incredibly demanding and emotionally exhausting, and it's important to take care of your own well-being.

[Mumma80]

I can relate to your situation. It is hard but just know you are not alone. We are going though something similar. Your doing amazing

[Sunshine72]

Thank you so much Iona for taking the time to respond, for your support and for the article / site links which I have sponged. It's certainly taking a toll and there's a long road ahead, but I understand small steps are necessary. I will certainly try these and have signed up for the one on one coaching support. Appreciate you reaching out. Thank you. 

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Mumma80,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. It certainly is extremely challenging. Reading these forum posts breaks my heart that our beautiful children, the future generation (as well as their parents/family/friends and carers) are experiencing such difficult issues. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond my message and be supportive. It's very kind of you and shows what an amazing job you're doing too. Best wishes and if you find anything that works particularly well for you please do share. 

Thank you. xx

[Mumma80]

Hi Sunshine72

I will definitely share what works for us & if you could to I would really appreciate it. It’s such a tough time for us all but if we can help each other in any way possible it just gives us all that little bit of hope & light at the end. We all have great kids, they have just taken a bumpy road but with our love & support we can all get through it ♥️ I’m here whenever you need

[Sandee]

Hello this sadly sounds exactly like my 15 yr old . I wish there was help but I have tried everywhere and been given so much conflicting advice.

I feel your pain and can totally relate to what you are going thru x

[Sunshine72]

Hi Sandee,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s hard to keep strong but you have to keep going. Thank you for taking the time to write. Each time I feel there’s possibly a step forward, there ends up being two steps backwards. Today he was suspended from school and doesn’t care or think anything of it. It’s heart breaking watching all this unfold and not seeing results of all the love and support that is poured out.

We constantly walk on egg shells and he refuses any support. We try different strategies and I know there’s no magic solution but we keep hoping. He knows we will always be there for him but clearly there’s something triggering all this. We fear of becoming another statistic.

I hope things start to improve for you.
Remember to take care of yourself! You deserve it!

[Sandee]

Hello im sorry to hear that this happened today. I fear too we will be in the same boat either my son will not go back or get expelled too.

My fear is what he is up too when he isnt home.

How do you cope I have been crying all day today I just feel so lost .

Its so hard to take time for yourself I find I mean I know I need to but im just not strong enough at the moment .

I really hope things turn around for you too x

[Sunshine72]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are stronger than you think (or feel at the moment). It’s okay to cry, give yourself permission for this. It’s therapeutic and just reinforces how much you care. You need release too. It’s okay.

I still cry (a couple times today!) I cry then take a few deep breaths and try as hard as it is to pull myself together. I constantly try to think of any positives. Eg. He responded to my text. He came home!

I clutch to any positive I can find (and yep sometimes it’s hard to find one) but I have to, to keep going.

I hear you about fearing what they’re up to when they’re out and about. I know my son is dabbling in alcohol and I have found bongs. I’m devastated. He has ‘new’ clothes I’ve never seen before.

All the research and help I’ve sought constantly tells me that no matter what we do they won’t talk/seek help till they’re ready. I feel I can do nothing other than let him know he is loved and that we’re here for him and keep trying to talk. I’m concerned for his mental health and worry what he may do. It’s all so scary. I’ve called any and every support service that will listen and read more advice/ideas than I have read in a lifetime to no avail. I wish I had an answer. I won’t give up but it’s made a huge impact on my own confidence, my ability to concentrate and my well being but I am trying hard to learn that I can’t control this situation.

Do you have a support person (partner, family friend, relative) that you talk with. You definitely need someone.

At night I listen to sleep/worry meditations which I previously never rated but they have been amazing.

I try to allow myself to watch 1/2hr of mindless tv to distract me. Cooking or travel show or something I feel will take my mind off.

I’m sorry I don’t have the answers and I live in hope that our boys make better choices and steer onto the right path.

Keep your chin up! You’re doing a great job.

We’re all doing the best we can and it’s important we share how feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It may not feel like it, and there are tough times ahead but you’ve got this! xx