HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72

I get what your saying and its also harder when you get conflicting advise.
I feel that what ever you do has to sit as well as it can be with you. People can give advice but they dont live in your house so they really dont get an understanding of what is actually happening.
Dont get me wrong i dont know what im doing either. Like you i dry retch every morning , wake early with anxiety, overthink everything and question what im doing constantly.

Re us well its not great came to a head this morning so things are about to get hectic.
My son went out all day as u know. It started with me dropping him at tbe bus stop on my way to an appointment as he said he was going to a friends. I got to my appt and he was ringing in a rage as he had missed the bus and couldnt get back into the house. He couldnt think clearly at all as he was too worked up. I did the wrong thing and sai ill call ur dad and see if he can leave work to let u in. My hubby left work sent a text to my son who replied well im not there have fun. My husband went home opened garage and saw my son at bus stop so pulled over to let him know he could get inside our house. He then said can u drive me to my mates ( 20 min away) my husband said no sorry i need to go to work so my son screamed out i hate you.
Didnt hear from him again until later after i text what time are you coming home. He rang again in panic as his friends left without him and he missed the bus to where they were going. He wanted me to pay for an uner and i said sorry no your dad is happy to cone and drop you. Alot of back and fourth until he said i promise ill talk to you when i get home and i will go to school tom. I said ok im trusting you and i organised an u er as his account has bern blocked cause he hasnt paid but says he has.
It was 8.30 pm and i text you need to head home now pls he replied soon. We left it to just before 9pm and i rang he answered and asked if he could be picked up. I was exhausted so was up in my room when he got home. He ate what i had made for dinner but then went straight to his room. This morning as normal my hubby went in said morning time to go to school surprise im not going.
Thats it so i went in and said are u going because u promised me you would he said no get out
I sat on the floor and said no im not leaving as this is not working for anyone and we just want to understand what is going on and how we can help. Je just yelled giving me ultimatums to get out go away swearing telling me to shutup. I knew that because i wouldnt leave he would go lock himself in bathroom as thats what he does so i went in first. I said ok you dont want to talk but i am. You need to make a decision wither way abd we will support you but we will not suplort this anymore so if your not going back to school you will need to get a job because we will not be giving you any more money and that includes paying for your phone plan as this is life and if you are making adult decisions which is fine then you need to deal with what cones with that. I then walked away.
This will be excruciating ut will be hard he will prob take off turn life 360 off not cone home but he is doing that anyway.
When he leaves to go wheree er today i will send this message
We love you and will support you with the decision you make and you always will have a bed and food here if you want it. We just are not going to continue paying for everything until you decide to either go to school or get a job xx

I will treat him normally im just not doing this anymore i cant xxx

I hope im strong enough and i hope your day is better than mine xx
Sorry for the long post im just a mum at the end of her tether

[Sunshine72]

Oh @Sandee, What a huge morning! Are you ok? How are you going? Do you feel a bit better that it's all out? 

I think you have shown such amazing strength. That would have been really difficult and I'm sure you are questioning and replaying the events but you showed your support and you have made your expectations clear. It's great that you got to say the things that you wanted him to hear. You are completely right, the choice is up to him now...but for him to know that you are there to support him with whatever decision he makes is something he is extremely fortunate to have. I hope he realises this. 

I am thinking of you. Deep breaths. I am here and wishing that this is start of things moving forward. Yes they may go a little backwards but I think you've taken a huge step. Well done you! Stay strong and big hugs. Thinking of you. xx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

Thank you xx. Yes a huge meaning and it's still going. At around 9 ish I was having a sower and he calls out Mum I said yes im in the shower he said can I have breakfast. I said yes im in the shower but ill come show you how to cook the eggs as soon as im done.

I went into his room and said ok I can show you how to cook the eggs it's super simple. He said no you  just do it. I said I need to show you as Im heading to see my mum thurs and I wont be here. He said well dad can do it. I said your dad will make you eggs if your up before he goes to work but he will not be coming home from work to cook them.

He started yelling saying go away . I said you dont need to speak like that please and left his room. !0 mins later he came down and said well are you taking me to school or what , I said oh ok I can as my appt isnt until 12.30 he said well you need to cook me eggs first. I said im happy to show you how to make your eggs he started saying well I was willing to go to school but now its your fault. I said I can take you to school if you get changed ( wasnt in uniform anyway) and if you dont want me to show you how to make eggs just grab a protein bar. He yelled shut stop talking. I asked him not to speak to me like that and said if you have any washing just bring it down he just yelled again and slammed the door.

He then starts calling my husband at work saying he cant go to school because I wont make him eggs. OMG .

Sadly my son needs to realise that at 15 he cannot speak to us or anyone like that. Also that life doesnt occur when he decides it does. He is trying to play us off each other and use emotional blackmail again to get what he wants. And as much as we want him to go to school I cannot play this game it is not helping him in anyway and its not helping us either.

I will always love and support him but I am no longer going to be his punching bag .

I feel it may be a very long day and tis is just the beginning . Hope your having a good day x

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee You are amazing! I so admire how you handled all that. I love how you offered to show him how to make eggs and are not accepting the excuses but you keep giving him options which is awesome. You are so strong and might not be feeling it but I really take my hat off to you. It's his choice now so go you! I'm right here supporting you all the way, you're doing a great job.  You and your husband are a strong bond so he won't be able to play you off each other. You are showing him you're not a punching bag but also showing love and support. He's very lucky! I have everything crossed for you. xx

[Sandee]

Thank you @Sunshine72  I really appreciate the support it means alot. I had an appointment to go to and I knew it would be a few hours so I went upstairs before I left and let him know I was leaving and there was food in the fridge if he wanted to heat it up for lunch.

On my way home he text me saying im going out now.Im pretty sure he checked Life 360 as he knew I was on my way back . I replied Thanks for letting me know are you home for dinner. He didnt reply and now has his life 360 off. I was expecting that.

When I got home though he had heated up lunch so thats huge as he has never wanted to do that before. It will be a long night as he may not reply to any messages but I will try.

How has your day been so far ?

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,
The waiting game is hard and turning off Life360 doesn’t help. It’s sounds like he’s pushing against these expectations. You’ve handled it so well. I hope you hear from him and he replies. I know you were expecting this but are you ok?

My day seems so irrelevant with what you’re going through today. My son came home from school and said he’s going out and will be home later. I mentioned it’s a school night and here I sit waiting for him to return.

Keep me posted. I’m thinking of you. He knows the door is open. Perhaps he’s looking to see how you both will react. Who knows what they’re thinking. I wish we knew. Stay strong. xxx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

I got my hubby to text him when he was leaving work as we usually do to see if he needed a lift and he replied yes so he is home which is great. Im pretty sure he is still not happy with me as only grunted hello when I said hello as he walked inside. My hubby said to him in the car why didnt you go to school he said cause mum didnt make me eggs. 

Anyway he has come down for dinner and is even chatty and now has organised to go to the gym for the first time in ages with his dad.

Fingers crossed nothing derails that xx

Did your son have dinner first or will he come home in time for that? 

[Sunshine72]

Oh my @Sandee, I am sooooo happy. That’s so wonderful! Wow wow wow. I am really overjoyed. Sooooo super happy. What a huge positive! And he’s chatty AND going to go to the gym! Yay!!!! You’ve made my day. I’m am sooooo happy!!!!

My son had a snack after school and will raid the fridge when he gets home. Mind you he works part time so has funds to buy stuff.

The gym together! Sounds like a dream. Great news. I’m so happy for you. xxxxxxxx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72  Yes fingers crossed im not getting too excited just yet and its still a long way to go as you know the slightest thing can set him off but im taking it tonight for sure xxxx

[Sunshine72]

Definitely a win. Whether he goes to the gym or not. He responded for a lift, came home, ate, chat and made plans. Yay yay and yay. So much not going our way so I’m celebrating this win with you. X