HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72  oh no are you ok? I thought something may have been up and please don’t ever apologise for not replying.

Please make sure you keep your fluids up and rest as your body needs it everything else can just wait for a minute. Also please don’t feel like you have to say what’s going on either as sometimes it’s not easy but just know I’m thinking of you and am here if you need to vent or if you don’t xx 

If you can find the strength try and go for a walk, I know it’s easier said than done when you feel awful but it may help just a little. 

Im thinking of you xxxx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I’ve been hit by a bug and have been down for the count. Couldn’t get out of bed. Was so sick. I’m still not great but I’m slowly coming out the other side.

How are you? Are you still with your mum? How is she doing?

How are things back home with your hubby and son?

We hardly saw our son as he was out all weekend. I called him late sat night to see what time he’d be home, if he’d answer my call. He did answer and said you sound sick. I said I am and he told me he’d be home by 11pm (came in 11:30pm).

He did go to school today and work tonight but he’s lying so much and the swearing/language is disgraceful. When I ask him to stop he tells me he’s not a kid and can do what he wants. Charming! So respectful! He must have such great parents. Nothing like rubbing salt into the wounds of already feeling like a failure.

Hope there’s some positives your end and that you’re doing ok. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72  im glad you are starting to feel better I was very worried xx

Its so good he is still going to school and you are both awesome parents and deep down I think he knows that .

I am still with Mum she had another treatment today as is going ok. I’m here until Thursday then I head home. I am back again just for the weekend of the 18/11 because we will be spreading my brothers ashes then in the surf . A very small immediate family send off which is what he wanted .

I wish I could say things were ok back home but no. My son was going to the gym a few times and was letting us know most of the time where he was . He stayed at our house all weekend at night but had a mate stay as well which is fine because at least my hubby knew where they were. They went to the movies but the mate must have paid.

‘Anyway it’s Monday and it’s a school day so it all kicked off majorly  this morning again. My hubby tried to get him to go to school numerous times to the point I was walking with my sister and the barrage of phone calls started with each of them screaming at each other. He didn’t go and again has said he is not going back and now declares he isn’t getting a job. I just don’t get it.  I have tried but I just cannot understand how at 15 you can say I’m not going to school and I’m not getting a job. 
Anyway my husband gave up and went to work telling my son that he is not to have anyone over to the house while he isn’t there. Well clearly that message got lost because at approx 4pm one of his friends shows up with maccas for my son. We have cameras from previous attempted break ins that alert us. My husband tried calling my son he didn’t answer so sent a message saying please ask your friend to leave as I told you no one was to come over while I’m at work. My son didn’t reply so my hubby said ok I’m on my way home and I’ll ask him to leave. My son then replied ‘calm down’ . Anyway the mate eventually left and when my hubby got home he went inside and just calmly said please don’t have anyone over while I’m not home and at work. My son promptly said get out and fix the internet. His exact words. I just don’t understand why anyone would speak to anyone like this. My husband walked away and then the next min my son came downstairs and my hubby thought he said he was going to one of his friends house so my hubby asked him where did you say you are going he said none of your business then took off.

we both tried calling texting but no answer..I told my husband to call the police as we had no idea where he was going. He usually says where. The police said did he say he would harm himself or anyone else my husband said no then they said there was nothing they could do. Omg really. Sorry this may be out of line but no wonder there is so many kids getting into trouble cause no one helps it’s crazy.

My husband after a few hours was just about to jump in the car and go looking and he came back. He said to my husband he was bleep off stormed upstairs and slammed the door. My husband went upstairs and heard him on the phone talking to he presumes is a mate swearing saying he went to the netball court she wasn’t there then he text her and she said no it’s too late . Then his phone died and he got off at the wrong stop and ended up asking random people how to get home. He also said to his mate oh yeah don’t worry I turn my location off so they don’t know where I am. I have now deleted that life 360 app because it was causing me so much stress and he paused it anyway.

He finally messaged me telling me his phone died and that he was so angry and sick of this bleep. I replied I hear your angry we love you and want to help . I got no answer. My hubby was so angry I just tried to calm him down and said just stick with the plan . Treat him normally don’t be angry ask him every morning if going to school if not then let the school know. We just can’t give him money until he at least talks to us or makes a decision on what he is doing. We will just keep reminding him we love him and there is alway food and a bed here .

I have no answers anymore .

Sorry to dump all this on you when you are not well I was really hoping for a better day xxx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Oh my goodness. Are you ok? How are you holding up. I’m so sad to read about what’s happening. You need to let it all out. I’m here for you and I’m glad you feel you can share what’s going on because you have so much going on and man it’s hard. You and your husband are so strong and I love how you’re sticking together with your plan. I would think that consistency sends a clear message.

I am horrified by the police’s response! Horrified!!! If you don’t know where your child is surely there’s more they can do. I have rung them before in anticipation that he wasn’t going to come home and to ask their advice on what happens and they were very supportive and said we can send them a stern text and call them. Well the officer I spoke to was good. I haven’t put it into action yet as he came home.

I’m sorry they weren’t more helpful. That is not ok.

These kids! The way they speak to us is not ok, the disrespect and dishonesty. The lack of motivation. I don’t get what they’re thinking. So sad. We provide modelling of love and support and compromise but when it’s one way it’s so frustrating.

I wish I had a solution for you and for me but sadly I don’t have the answers either.

Our one says, ‘I’m not a kid anymore, stop treating me like one by asking me all the time where I’m going and what I’m doing. Just leave me alone, it’s none of your business.’ I want to say, ‘then stop acting like one.’ But know that’s not going to solve anything!

Like you I keep offering to talk, offering support for options of school/work but no discussion and still keep letting him know he’s loved but clearly I’m missing something that he wants.

Your hubby is a trooper holding it together up there, juggling work and supporting your son. Must be so hard trying to work and then have to come home and field the barrage of abuse. He sounds so supportive. If only our boys knew how good they’ve got it and if we could only infiltrate their minds to work out what’s going on and still down to the root of their frustrations. Let’s hope for one day… one day soon!

I’m glad you’re getting to be with your mum. The upcoming intimate ceremony to scatter your brothers ashes sounds very touching and a lovely way to honour his wishes.

Big hugs my friend. Always thinking of you. xx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72  how are you feeling?

I woke up at 3am dry retching this morning I’m so over this. I just wish he would go to school. For some reason I just can’t accept that and to be honest my hubby is the same and it’s making us sick physically .

Im sorry I’m just done I have nothing left anymore. I need to find a way to accept that he has dropped out and failed year 9 and hope that one day soon he gets it and makes a decision on what he will do. We just hope we can hang out till then because as bad as it sounds we are getting to the point of almost wanting him to leave but not really if you get what I mean.

Anyway I really hope you are feeling better and things are going ok at your place xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I hear you. I totally get the way you are feeling. It's not fair to your and your husbands health. It's such a hopeless feeling. I understand exactly what you mean about wanting him to go but also stay at the same time. There's only so much we can take. This constant living on edge takes its toll and as much as we try, I feel it's impossible to not let their mood and behaviour influence how we feel.  I also don't know how to stop this impact they have on us, because at some point we are all going to reach breaking point and I worry what that will look like.   Have you spoken to the psychologist again? Do they have any suggestions? I keep saying that we need to start talking to one, but haven't got the wheels in motion for it. I don't really know where to start. 

I'm still in bed today but have improved (thank goodness) and I know because I'm sick (and tired) that my headspace isn't great. I do wonder though that if half the reason I got this bug is because my body is sapped of energy and depleted. In a couple of days I'll be back to normal and sadly normal has become living on edge and worry. Life is short and should be enjoyed and we can't! It's so sad that this is what our life as become.  

I've been thinking about the not going to school. What does school do about this? Can they send around a youth worker or do the department of Education send out someone? Surely if it's a law that children must attend, but don't and we as parents can't physically drag them into school, then I wonder what support structures they have in place to enforce/assist with this? Has school not said anything?  I'm sure they deal with this more than we know. I really wish there was more that could be done.

I'm sorry that things aren't improving. You're a caring, loving mum and I keep hoping things will get better. He won't be able to last without money forever so I have my fingers and toes crossed that things start to improve sooner than later. xx 

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72  just checking in to see how you are feeling and hope you are feeling better x

How are things going with your son?

We are still the same won’t go to school. The school sent an email yesterday for him to do his English but he just won’t . It is causing so many arguments and fights that we just can’t anymore.

There seriously should be someone who can come and help us because if it’s illegal for him not to go what are we meant to do.

My hubby and I even though we are on the same page are def arguing more which is not good. To be perfectly honest I don’t even want to go home tomorrow.

What do you do with a 15 yr old that won’t go to school won’t do the work for school and won’t get a job? We are not giving him money but his friends seem to be supplying it at the moment.

Anyway I hope you are feeling better and things at home are good, thinking of you x

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I'm sorry to hear that he's still not going to school (or wanting to work). Does he say anything about what he thinks he'll do each day? Mind you if he's anything like my son, my son would either make some smart remark or not say anything at all. I agree there should be someone sent by the department to speak to them to offer support. It's just so hard when they won't talk. I feel our hands are tied. What option do we have? He already has no money so surely the friends hand outs will run out soon, won't they? I wish I knew what the solution was for us.

I remember you said he used to talk to someone but they left. Is there any chance of tracking them down wherever they may be or is that not an option?

How are you holding up with all of this? It's so draining for you and certainly takes its toll on you. I hope you're managing to do some things to take your mind off it and are looking after yourself.

I can relate to not wanting to go back home. I dread coming home from work (and it upset me because it shouldn't be like that!). How ridiculous does that sound, to hate coming home! but as soon as I get home I don't know whether he'll be there or not or what mood he'll be in or if he's out what trouble he might be getting into. Even typing now I have anxiety because he got home from school and went straight out. This walking on eggshells and waiting for him to come home is just awful.

My husband and I had a conversation about the strain it's putting on our relationship so I totally know where you are coming from. We made a promise to each other to not let it affect us. Clearly it does affect us, and we had to recognise that. We allow each other to vent/get angry and know it's not a personal attack. Of Course it affects us; you just can't help it and we do get frustrated with each other or upset but we always remember the promise we made and we both quickly apologise and forgive each other as we know we are working for the same common goal and have to be there for each other. I hope we continue to uphold this because I feel I can't let our son's behaviour take away the bond that we've formed as a couple all these years. Easier said than done but I think it's something we both don't want to sacrifice.

The fact he has friends is a good thing. Are they still going to school? Thinking of you and hoping for things to get better. I keep hoping we wake up and it's all a dream but I know that's not going to happen. This is not how we want to live our lives. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72
Sadly im just getting over it now. I can ot understand how he thinks any of this is ok and cannot understand the lack of help.
To be honest at the moment i dont even want to be around him and thats sad, there is only so much you can take.

His respose to anything and everything we say is I dont care or go away stop talking. The only other times he talks is to ask for money or yell at us if something doesnt go his way.
He cones and goes when he feels like it and we have no idea where he is. He is still at the moment coming home at night.
Its been draining on my hubby and i and it is conerning that even though we are trying to not let it affect our relationship it is.
If he just went to school it would be a bot easier but he wont.
We have cut him off financially which im sure most kids would have responded by now but not him.
I wish i could be a bit more positive but im just sock of living like this.

Anyway enough of me. How are you feeling? I hope you are feeling better xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72
Sadly im just getting over it now. I can ot understand how he thinks any of this is ok and cannot understand the lack of help.
To be honest at the moment i dont even want to be around him and thats sad, there is only so much you can take.

His response to anything and everything we say is I dont care or go away stop talking. The only other times he talks is to ask for money or yell at us if something doesnt go his way.
He cones and goes when he feels like it and we have no idea where he is. He is still at the moment coming home at night.
Its been draining on my hubby and i and it is conerning that even though we are trying to not let it affect our relationship it is.
If he just went to school it would be a bot easier but he wont.
We have cut him off financially which im sure most kids would have responded by now but not him.
I wish i could be a bit more positive but im just sick of living like this.

Anyway enough of me. How are you feeling? I hope you are feeling better xx