HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, Thanks for the virtual hug. Much needed. xx

I love that your son still asked about going to the gym. I read your messages and there always appears to be positive sparks coming from your son. Even when things are going the way we feel they should there’s still lots of glimmers of hope coming from him.

So….. I went and picked him up from work and he told me I smother him and he should be allowed out till as long as he wants. I shouldn’t be texting or calling to ask what time he’ll be home. I should leave him alone. It’s none of my business who he’s with or where he is. He told me (which he has before) that he doesn’t want to live here and wants nothing to do with us. I explained that we love and care for him.

I said I can’t contact you less than I already do. You leave at 8am and I message you at 5-6pm to ask your plans and when we can expect you home and then at 10/11pm if you haven’t come home. How can I leave you any less alone than that! I did ask how do you think we feel about not having any contact with you. He said stop telling me to be home by stupid times and just let me come home whenever.

He said he wants to be left alone to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

He went in to say, I don’t understand why you just don’t kick me out! I again reiterated because we care for you and love you. I asked if he wanted to go live somewhere else? He said no. I said I don’t understand that you don’t want to be at home but you don’t want to live somewhere else? He couldn’t answer that. I asked twice then with no reply I left it.

I had also asked that if he didn’t live here, what would he do? Still go to school, still do an apprenticeship? He said I’d get my apprenticeship and drop out of school. I think he really wants out of school. Something I’ve been willing to explore with him but he never talks.

I went on to explain that We are responsible for you and we want to part of your life. I said as your parents we have a responsibility. He said well I’m sick of hearing that s*** and I don’t have anything in common with you and don’t want to do anything with you.

I said let’s find something you enjoy and we enjoy. He said there’s nothing! I gave him some options and suggested some from him but he told me there’s nothing.

By that time we arrived home - he got out of the car, slammed the door and said leave me alone and don’t come into my room. Now here I am typing to you.

Stormy days ahead I fear. He’s one angry young man.

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72 on a positive note thats sounds like the best communication you have had with him of late? It's interesting that they say they dont want to live there but yet dont want to leave . They clearly want to whatever they want which is ok once your 18.

Its good he is still looking at the apprentaship thats very positive.

You are so good with him still telling him you care and so much patience I take my hat off to you. You are doing a great job.

Sadly I cannot see positives at the moment. I know you think going to the gym is but after telling my hubby to bleep off yesterday morning its just hard to see them.

He also told my hubby that he has dropped out of school and do not dare talk to him about it.

Anyway we did receive an email from the school that he has kept saying he wants to get in and we have jumped thru hoops to actually get him an interview but of course he wont go. So we are done. 

We are resigning ourselves to the fact that he is a year 9 drop out and it's going to be up to him to get a job. We cannot keep living like this every day hoping that he will go then getting abused if we try and get him up. This is making our lives a living hell and our anxiety worse its no way to live and we are not doing it anymore.

It's on him now sadly we have tried every avenue to help him and it's only affecting him in the long run but we just are too mentally exhausted to keep trying. My hubby and I will chat about it and work out a time fame and if he hasnt got a job by then then I will be reducing his phone plan which will def have an effect on him for sure.

So for now we will stick with our original plan of no money which is going to be interesting as school hols are just around the corner. He needs to get that this is his choice not ours.

Fun times ahead . I just dont know how much more of this I can put up with to be honest x

[Sunshine72]

Sounds like we are all in a world of pain that we certainly don't deserve to be in.

You're right, it is definitely hard to see the positives. I too feel there aren't any. It must be so confusing to hear him telling hubby to bleep off in the morning and then ask about the gym in the evening. I understand that dropping at Yr9 is the last thing you want and must be so difficult to come to terms with when you only want the best for them, and you made the effort of getting him into the school he wants and now he won't even entertain the interview. So it's not specifically the school he's at, it seems to be school in general. Do you know what it is about school that bothers him? The teachers? The work? I guess not if he's not talking about it. Has he ever indicated anything he'd like to do in the future? If he likes gym, what about becoming a PT or even just working at a gym?

You are doing an amazing job with having a plan in place and sticking to your guns with the money situation but still being supportive parents willing to work with him on what he'd like to do. I love your strength that you are not putting up with it anymore. I feel your pain with not knowing how much you can take because we are exactly the same. Our plan is speak kindly but clearly express 'talking like that is not okay' and 'we would like you home by xx' and if he doesn't adhere we won't react and reiterate that we expect you home by xx or to tidy your room or speak respectfully and he'll do what he wants which is far from ideal but if he asks for something, we will say, we're happy to do that but you also need to do something for us (eg be home on time, speak respectfully, bring down your plates). That's how life works. It's not one person taking and not giving. We'll see what happens.

I think you have a great plan of expecting him to have a job by a certain date and then consequences come into play if he doesn't have one by then. Yes it will be a tough road but you've already shown him you mean business by cutting out the money. I'm guessing he'll push the boundaries to test the waters but will quickly get the message when he sees it happen. It's a great goal. It's clear and fair. I'm wondering if he gets to be part of the deadline date if that might give him some ownership of the goal too? Obviously you know him best and if that would be something to consider.

I think we're in a worse space than we've been to date. He was very clear to let us know that he wants absolutely nothing to do with us and will be doing his own thing and we can throw him out if we don't like it. As mentioned we explained that we will not throw him out but we expect that he would behave like the adult he claims to be. When he turns 18 it's going to be a very different dialogue. The door will always be open for him to return home but we will not have him living under our roof if he can't follow the rules of our home. (namely, speaking and treating each other respectfully, communication, basic hygiene of himself and his room - this is not too much to ask).

A girlfriend came over the other and was telling me about her son who's in Yr9 and getting into a bad crowd of kids. He knew they were up to no good and distanced himself from them and she said that when kids have too much freedom they don't know what to do with themselves and end up doing stupid s***
I think that's true but my husband and I discussed it after she left and when they don't respond to your curfews or requests, how do we have any say about how much freedom they have. He will just up and leave and run away and then again he has all the freedom too. Such a vicious circle. Why do some kids have a conscience yet my son doesn't! Hence there is something not connected in his brain to have no care factor about anyone other than himself. Yes, teenage years play a part in this, but we're not stupid to know that this is much more than that!

I woke him up for school this morning and he just yelled at me. I just walked away. He is so angry and I know he'll go out tonight and on the weekend and make no contact and push the envelope by coming home even later and who knows what mischief he'll get into with drugs, alcohol and graffiti. We know his tag (he doesn't know we know) and we are horrified to see the work around. He has been caught before and promised he'd stop but that was short lived so he hides his stuff and I've told him if I find the cans I will be throwing them away. He is very angry and says that we don't support his passion. We explained that he is artistic and we are happy to find ways to support his creative flair if it was done legally and in places where it was permitted or joined some sort of 'legal' street art group we'd happily support him, but there is no way we can support illegal activity. He can not see our logic. Also the dangerous places he's put himself into to do it completely shocks us when we see where he does it. I really expect a hospital or police visit!

I think there's two issues for hubby and I here;
1, the behaviour that he's displaying and choices he's making. - I can't get in my head that he thinks it's okay to break the law, that it's ok to treat people disrespectfully, that it's okay to expect us to do things for him but not do anything in return, that it's okay not to talk to us, that it's okay for him to say no to everything but him to go off his head if we say 'no', that it's okay for him to ask for favours but not follow simple house rules, that it's okay to take take take.

2, the sadness, disappointment and embarrassment we feel. - I know this sounds selfish because it's about us, but we long for the feeling of family, to feel proud of something he does. There's a real problem when we can't think of one thing to be proud of him about. I have repeatedly said, 'we're proud you have a part time job." And we are. Even though he constantly complains about the people there are all idiots and morons (his words are more expletive), he complains about the expectations (coming in the correct clothing, doing the work they ask) and can't give a single positive about it. Society, friends, people in general are quick to judge and I am impacted by the question, "Hows *** going?" I know it's just a question we all ask each other about our kids but I feel like a phony when I answer and divert from the question as quickly as possible.

We have decided we are going out and we have a life together that we have to enjoy too. We can't just tread on egg shells everyday and worry about the wording of any of our sentences offending him. We are going to talk like we would to anyone. We recognise we can't go away on holidays or do other things at this point which I do resent but these are the cards we have been dealt so have to play them as best as we can. I am getting better at less worrying. (or maybe I'm just thinking that right now - we'll see) but my thoughts are that if he gets injured/hospitalised, beat up, brought in by the police then whatever happens occured through HIS choices and we'll just have to deal with it when it does. I can't keep worrying about it because he doesn't listen or care about anything we say so there's nothing we can do except offer him a supportive family home for the RIGHT choices.

I'm so sorry about the anxiety it's causing you and hubby and us. We long for the positives and I have a positive. It's US! We continue to search for positives. We don't give up, we want to but we don't. We think of plans and ideas to support them. The positive is that these boys have amazing parents. There are lots of us around but there are also lots that wouldn't give a rats. So here's to us being able to live with our conscience, knowing that we are doing the best we can! As much as they break our hearts and crush our soul, we know we are good people trying the best we can.

Oh my, this has taken me over an hour to write. oops! I want to say thank you for your support, advice, positivity and sharing your story. It really means the world to me that we've made this connection. I must admit I find it hard to write something sometimes as I overthink everything I write AND I still feel weirded out about it being on an open forum.

Take care and do something nice for you! You and your hubby deserve it!!! xxx

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72 wow I couldnt have written that better. You are spot on with everything you have written. I understand exactly what you both are going thru as our situation is very similar.

I agree we need to start trying to get on with our lives instead of being held hostage by our boys. ( thats what it feels like)

We are meant to be going down to see family for xmas so still not sure what will happen there . As you said going away is really not an option because you cannot drag them on a plane. If worse case we will flip flop which will Mena xmas day we will be seperate but I cannot cancel as this will be the last xmas with my mum.

I want you to know that everything that you are doing is right it really is. You are amazing at keeping your cool and the steps you are both taking are correct. We just have to hope for both of us that they eventually come around even a bit so that living in this situation is easier for everyone xx

I too appreciate the connection we have made . Im sure there will be people who read this and think we are nuts but im sure there are also people who understand what we are going thru too xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, You make me laugh. Yes there’s be people this for sure with popcorn like an episode of some tv show. You couldn’t make this stuff up. I imagine there’d be counsellers reading this and analysing our situation, our responses and our connection and using us as teaching / learning opportunities. Then with 6 degrees of separation there’d be people who know us. All very weird. That’s all just my overthinking mind in action.

I feel like I’m living a bit of a secret life, all happy life at work and out n about. No one would know what we’re going through. It’s awful. That’s why I’m so glad we’ve connected where we can be real! Thank you xx

Christmas is going to be hard. I can’t imagine how that will be for you and your mum. It’s already such a difficult time for you but then add worrying about whether your son will come along or not. That is really tough. I hope he can see the compassion to go.

I LOVE Christmas but we almost cancelled Christmas last year (similar situation) however this year my husband and I decided last night when we had a huge d&m that we are celebrating it with or without him. He’s not going to control our vibe. We’d love to celebrate with him but he’s the one missing out.

What did your son do today? Not sure what the night ahead will bring for us but I’m not sure what else we can do.

Thinking of you xx

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72  hahahaha at this rate we are going to be the ones advising people in the future lol

Im glad your still going to do Xmas its important.

If things go pear shape here hubby will go down for a week to see his parents then I will go the next week when he gets back. Hubby and son will have xmas day together 

My son has gone to his girlfriends today as it's her birthday. Still cant wrap my head around him going off and not going to school oh well I should be used to it by now .

Hoping your night goes well x

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, it’s good that you’ve got a contingency plan if he doesn’t fly down. Not ideal but it’s best to be prepared.

So he decided to stay with his girlfriend. Maybe that will soften him a bit?

We’ve been speculating where it all went wrong. We have our thoughts. Both different but realise it doesn’t change anything anyway.

He’s just walked in, ignored me and my greeting but said hello to my husband so that’s my win for today. Sad but true. He’s about to go out. Oh well.

Hope your night is okay. Glad he’s at least updating you with where he is. That’s so good.

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72  Thats a shame he didnt say hi to you , I dont think they realise just a simple hello means alot as a mum. I realised the time diff as school isnt out here yet but hey my son isnt going anyway lol

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, glad he greeted my husband as with his anger last night I was expecting the worst.

We were actually wondering whether he’d come from school or go straight out. Clearly he wanted to get out of his uniform. Let’s see what time he comes home.

Hope the afternoon/evening goes ok xxx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee 

How are you? How was your day? How are things going your end? 

I have become numb. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing? It's good that I feel less anxiety but bad because it's not the way it should be. I have come to the realisation/acceptance that no matter what we say or do he will continue to make the choices he makes, behave the way he does and speak disrespectfully to those he encounters. It's just a waiting game of what pieces will need to be picked up when things come crashing down. I don't know what other options there are as I feel we have tried and offered every possible suggestion. Don't get me wrong I'm still here for him but he's made it very clear that he doesn't even want that.  

He's completely ignoring me. When I speak there is no acknowledgement whatsoever and he's doing own thing. Out again now and when he comes home it's straight to his room (or fridge) and that's it. Sleeps here and eats here. That's it. 

Hope there's some positives at your end. xx