Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

[Moloko]

😣
I went through the registration but yes I gathered you had to be in Australia...
If you do know of any other options I would so appreciate it...I feel like im floundering as a parent at the moment. The good days with my daughter are great but the low days have me feeling lost and questioning myself as a parent....not an easy feeling. I look around at friends daughters the same age and none of their girls are behaving this way....is it something we are doing or arent doing as parents?

[Ngaio-RO]

Happy to @Moloko I'll let you know what I come up with.

That question is such an easy one to fall into, isn't it? I remember so clearly, standing in the queue at a store and the mother and teenaged daughter in front of me were hugging and laughing. It killed me. At the time I was locked in this difficult place with my teenaged daughter and she was either angry or dismissive. It felt like it had been forever since we'd just hugged and laughed. My first thought was "what am I doing wrong?"

But then I had to remind myself I wasn't seeing the whole picture.  When we compare ourselves to others we basically compare our insides to their outsides. We compare everything we know about our situation to the 5 seconds we see of theirs. Who knows what the truth of their relationship is.

And I also had to remember that everything changes. I'd had really hard times with my eldest daughter but we had found our way through. If I keep trying, and talking to people and getting support and loving my daughter, then we would get through this together.

And we did! And you guys will too.

[Moloko]

@Ngaio-RO
Thank you.... that is just what I needed to hear...that is some great advice and you are so right.
I gave my daughter a big hug after school today...she didnt hug me back but didnt push me away. I just hugged her and told her I loved her and apologised for my part in our argument last night. Again some great advice from this thread is to apologise.

[Beingme2017]

I used to compare so much too, I still do but to a lesser degree these days. Its so unhelpful! And makes us way harder on ourselves than we already are.

@Moloko Those consequences of no phone for 3 hrs, earning it back, and not getting it Fri and Sat of Sunday is going to be like that again - are really logical and practical. Great job! I struggle sometimes with working out logical consquences that they can understand and respect even while hating them!

[Moloko]

@Beingme2017
Yes I agree. That us going to ve a learning curve for me to not compare myself and my situation to others. But yes its hard sometimes when you have a strong willed child. We were also brought up in different times to our kids and disrespectfulness was dealt with very differently. I feared my dad, I didnt respect him.
The ph I feel will be an ongoing battle 😂 but we will stick at it and adjust where we need to. She handed the ph over after school today but I think knowing she can earn it back in a couple of hours helps soften the blow. 2 hours probably seems like a week to teens

[Moloko]

Just a quick update - things have been going really well last couple of weeks. The boundaries we have put in place seem to be going ok. Ph battles are less and arguments are less...I am walking away as often as I can. We have noticed a huge improvement in our daughter since the school move...she is so much happier and has made some fantastic new friendships...keeping on top of her school work and had the best few weeks on the sports field that I have seen in a long time.
She still pushes back but generally things are going really well at the moment. Her relationship with her brother has improved sooooo much.
Feeling great at the moment: )

[Ngaio-RO]

That's wonderful news @Moloko Please take a moment to acknowledge both yourself and your daughter for getting through such a tough time.

And when you feel a bit human again, it's a great time to look around for some good books or courses to do that will help you feel prepared for anything that comes up.

It can be exhausting to live in fear that things might get hard again, where as if you do some thing to feel fortified, then you know you'll cope with anything that comes.

What do you think?

[Moloko]

Totally agree!😃
I know we will still have our battles ahead as we navigate through the teens but this experience has taught me a lot about listening to my daughter...about changing our communication and understanding. Thankful for the wonderful support on here that really helped me though a tough time. This community is amazing!

[Powell-Karen]

The changes that occur when kids enter pre-adolescence and adolescence are the hardest for most families to deal with.  Make her feel that you are there for her help and she is not alone. It's really important.

[Moloko]

@Powell-Karen
They are a challenge indeed! I try and let her know that her dad and I are her safe place and we have her back...we also want her to grow into a respectful young adult....its a struggle some days with how much she tries to push the boundaries and how she talks to us....we think geesh where did we go wrong. I really am beginning to dislike social media and how much time kids spend on it...it gets in the way of everyday living we will get there though