Healing after my daughter's recovery took a nosedive

[Breez-RO]

I am so glad to hear you've noticed the growth. I think it's great you're aware that recovery is a marathon not a sprint. It really is in the small changes and improvements that lies an empowered, resilient and self-fulfilling young woman. She's so lucky to have a parent as caring as yourself, well done! Are you still in a routine with self-care? @taokat

[taokat]

Thank you so much @Breez-RO  I like what you say about the results of small changes and improvements, and when I look back, I think you're absolutely right. 

I have days when I suck at my self care, but overall I'm doing pretty well with it. I've been exercising and doing classes at the gym, as well as breathing exercises when my mind's racing. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @taokat

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this.  I think its natural  after such a long period of time to hope the really hard struggles are over.  But that's not always the case for most of us sadly.  I know how you feel that things can turn on a dime.  You had a question earlier in your thread.  Something like How do you stay positive and not get your hopes too high?  That's the place I am in now- Things seem ok at the moment- and I am so happy- but also so scared they might fall apart.  I decided to think like this for now..... Be happy and so grateful for the moment, suck up every smile and song I hear my daughter sing.  I don't want to waste this precious time on what might go wrong.  But if things backslide- we will worry about it then.  We know what to do in the hard times because we have been doing it.  So allow yourself to enjoy the good- even if our trail may have some rocks and boulders along the way. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

[Schooner]

Hi @taokat,

I think your daughter keeping up with the TAFE work (secretly) is a really positive sign. That's taking responsibility for herself, and shows she is starting to understand herself. Good luck

Cheers

[Schooner]

Hi @coco821,

Both my son's psychiatrist and psychologist would write reports to the school. At one stage we were sending them a report every 10 days or so. I really think we provided too much detail to the school, as some of the finer details seemed to confuse the school counsellors (we had a school counsellor using his medication list to support their diagnosis - i.e. back to front). I'm not sure what they did with the reports. 

My son seemed to follow a similar path to your daughter, once his depression was under control anxiety became the bigger problem, with occasional dips back in to depression.

He is now settled on medication, and I've noticed he is far less defiant than he was a year ago, so we can make progress on organisation and homework, etc. It's been a long road though

Cheers

[Faob_1]

Hi Tao Kat, I am sorry to hear that life took a nosedive for you and your daughter.. I am so grateful for the kind words you have offered me in the past. I know it’s tough but can a weekend away be arranged? A night away for you and a friend to come and stay and do popcorn, pizza, movie, paint your nails night with your daughter. Self care for both sounds crucial now..
Keep breathing, and Thankyou for your compassion.

[taokat]

I think that's really wise to @sunflowermom, to make the most of the positive times and deal with the negatives as they come. I've learnt that it's also really important to realise the rough times will pass and remain aware of the growth that has been made. 

And I think you're so right @Schooner, for my daughter to continue on studying throughout her down time is really amazing and shows me her determination which I'm so happy about.

I've never loved anyone or anything like I love my girl and had no idea of the joys and the heartaches that brings before I had her 

Thank you for your support everyone, it's very much appreciated.

[Erin-RO]

The love you have for your daughter always shines through your posts @taokat and I think when we love someone that much we just want the very best for them so it can be heartbreaking when they're struggling or experiencing distress.

I know I bang on a little bit to everyone about self-care but it's just such a vital foundation for our wellbeing. I wonder if you've ever read any books or articles on mindfulness philosophy? When I was going through a difficult time it really helped me to focus on the present moment and let go of my expectations of how I think things "should be", if that makes sense? Jon Kabat-Zinn's books are awesome if you're up for reading more about it

[taokat]

Oh thank you, and I think you're spot on @Erin-RO - the heartbreak comes from seeing the one's we love so deeply struggling.

I'll have to look up that author, I'd love to read his books. What you said makes total sense - "let go of my expectations of how I think things "should be" - it's those expectations that cause us such disappointment. I think it's something I struggle with and need constant reminders sometimes! 

Another awesome book I have that I think you might like Erin is "How to Solve Our Human Problems, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. You have prompted me to dig it out, thank you!

Thank you for your kind words too @Faob_1. I do love your suggestion of getting away for a night and my daughter having a girls night with a friend. I think I just might organise that! How are you and your young man faring? Have you found anything you've been able to persevere with that's brought about some change? It's a long hard road, and I love what I've been told here - it's a marathon, not a sprint (unfortunately!!!). It's been good for me to keep that in mind with this recent topple. 

[Faob_1]

@taokat @Erin-RO. Wow, your comment just then has really rung true...letting go of expectations and accepting a different situation is key. I’m finding tha I can’t parent a boy who doesn’t want to be parented. I can’t physically prevent him from disappearing for a night, I can’t physically drag him out of bed and get him to school. So, I’ve accepted that he is a kid who needs to find his own way, and maybe all I can do, and need to accept at this point, is make sure he has a safe home environment. That’s not easy to do when we have had our home damaged, are constantly verbally abused etc.  so, perhaps if I back off on my demands of what I expect in terms of acceptable behaviour and find a new way of ‘demanding’ them, life may be a little calmer. It doesn’t mean I accept or condone all the crap, it just means I have to express my standards, values and hopes in a different way. I get tired of people saying to me I must still love him through all this. I find that extremely challenging. I would not ever choose to have anything to do with a person who treats others the way my son does, so that desire to reject him outright and the obligation to keep searching for a way to cope is enormously frustrating.  But, I have to say using loads of “I”statements, making my expectations clear without the sniping I would normally add in (end of my tether stuff) seems to be disarming him and his response is changing.

question...has anyone ever demanded a home drug test be done as a condition of staying at home?? Or had a GP do one at parent request? I don’t know if it’s ethical or legal, or whatever, for a GP to intervene???