Is my daughter pansexual?

[Black232Jack]

Yesterday my 12 year old daughter text me while on the bus to tell me she’s pansexual. She said she’s been wanting to tell me for awhile and hopes I understand. Of course since it was via text it wasn’t the right time to talk so I told her I love her, always have, always will. After school we went about life as normal and today as well. This afternoon we were making doll clothes, a hobby of hers, and I thought it would be a good time to just ask how she was feeling but not pry too much. I asked how she learned about what pansexual meant and she got angry and shut down and said she didn’t want to talk about it. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. Thankful that she felt comfortable enough to confide in me, proud that she is so sure of who she is, shocked because it came out of the blue, confused whether she really is or doesn’t fully understand what it means. I don’t know how to handle it. Do I just say “ok” and not make a big deal about it? Do I try talking to her about it? If she is, then I want to be supportive of her. If she’s confused about what it means, then I want to educate her. I don’t want to be that parent that feels like it’s just a “phase” because of the YouTube videos she watches and the anime and the media but it’s hard for that not to cross my mind when she still seems so young in my eyes and still “acts” very young as far as the style of clothes she likes, the toys she plays with, how much she likes to snuggle and be tucked in at night, etc. I want to be there for her just not sure how she needs me other than to love and listen.

[Bre-RO]

Hi there @Black232Jack 

Thank you for raising this topic here. From what you've described you have responded to this in a really positive way. Affirming your love and support, not making a huge deal of it but also checking in at a non-threatening time - these are all amazing ways of responding to your child coming out as pan-sexual. 

It is a sensitive time for you both so it's also great that you're reaching out for support. I think all the emotions you are going through are really normal. Maybe you could try asking her to educate you about pan sexuality? That way she might feel empowered to speak about her identity and you will also be able to gauge how much she knows about it herself and what it means to her.

We have an article about helping your teen with coming out - you might wanna give it a read here.

There's also some great information and support available here for families through Twenty10 which is an LGBT+ organisation. 

[Wiryg]

Hi!
I know you posted this a long time ago, but I was wondering how everything turned out? I am in the same boat with my 12 year old daughter. She thinks she is pansexual, and I want to be supportive. I’m not sure how much is regular teenage finding herself, and how much is the heavy influence of discord. 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Wiryg , 

It's great to hear that you're wanting to be supportive of your daughter, I'm also just tagging the original poster @Black232Jack  so that they will see this  

We have some great resources on ReachOut on teens and sexuality here- as you say, the teenage years are often a time when young people are working out their sexuality, and I think in the last 15 years or so there's a much richer understanding of all of the different forms sexuality may take -  the experiences themselves may not be that different, but we may now have a more nuanced way of describing the way we feel, if that makes sense. It sounds like you're a loving and supportive parent, which is by far the most important thing. 

[muneca21]

My 14 year old told me a month ago she is pansexual. Trying to educate myself what it actually means. I always knew about gay, lesbian, bisexual but pansexual is something new for me. I love my daughter with all my heart so am very supportive even though I need time to get adjusted to it.

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @muneca21 

So lovely to read about your support for your daughter and your desire to educate yourself  Could you ask her to educate you? Teens are pretty amazing at telling us all sorts of things we have no idea about! Thank you for sharing, let us know how you go.