Need to move out 18 year old daughter

[mrskode]

I have a 18 year daughter, almost 19. She is still living at home with us, but has disconnected herself from us. She is demanding, disrespectful and has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 weeks. She locks herself in her bedroom and only leaves the house when she goes to work. She barely eats and sneaks food into her bedroom. She keeps saying that she wants to move out.
I found out yesterday that she has been using her 8 year old sister to spy on us and to pass on information. We told her last night that the manipulation has to stop immediately and if her behaviour does not change she has to move out. However it has fallen on deaf ears, because she was caught out tonight trying to use her sister again. I am in the procees of trying to find other accommodation so that she can move out. I have to protect my other two children.
Unfortunately, she only had a part time job and gets youth allowance. So she is on a very tight budget. Any suggestions on where/how to find accommodation would be helpful. Unfortunately, I dont have any family that could help us out.

[BOILERMAKER]

Unfortunately there are not a lot of programs for teenagers unless they are runaways.  You are just going to have to serve her an eviction notice and these will send her a message that she 1) needs to be more compliant and that you are not playing.  When the sheriff knocks on the door it is serious business. 2) She needs to find a full time job and save for a down payment on her deposit for her apartment.  She will figure it out real quick 

[Changemymind]

I wonder if you have considered breaking down the things she does that are not working right now for her or you.

Just suggesting a meeting with her that is structure around:-

1. What she has planned for herself to enable her to move out without putting herself at risk e.g. homelessness

2. How she can achieve that goal by looking at what options are open to her

3. Looking at the reality of her options

4. Looking at the commitment she has to carrying out those options.

The key is to let her do all the talking allowing her to speak and hear herself.

The main action you must do is never answer any of the questions for her *zip your lips :-) It's the hardest thing you will ever do, trust me as I am still trying to perfect this.

For what it is worth - the fact that she is in your house gives you hope that change might happen with a conversation.  To get her to the table - remind her that you have the power to change the locks ;-)

My daughter is 22 but behaves like a 19 yr old (she was born behaving younger than her true age).  I've learnt not to threat but to consult with facts and ownership of her own behaviour and mine.

[mrskode]

I wish it was that simple. She is not even willing to have a conversation.
I am going to see if one her friends can ask her those questions. She only listens and speaks to her friends.

[Changemymind]

I hear you.  Good idea approaching a friend to help. Whatever helps. Don't give up as the message you want your daughter to hear is that;-

1. you love her

2. you have her back

3. you want to be in her life

all that you ask

1. can she meet you half way to start by .......

2. can she work with you

3. can she put forward suggestions on where to start

** Sounds like you may have to offer a clean slate to bargain for a new beginning

As humans we can react with anger, when underneath we're scared.  Her age group is a scary one with hormones, fear of failure after school life,  etc.  Unless of course you have other factors which you may have to explore.

It's big I know :-)

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @mrskode,

Does your daughter have access to a case manager/youth worker/social worker? Or the capacity to see a case manager? Accessing a case manager may help with liaising with centrelink as well as support finding alternative accommodation. I could not recommend seeking a case worker more highly- they take a really holistic approach to wellbeing and may be able to support you both to get the best outcome for your daughter.

There are also a number of youth housing services that might be worth looking into- I have searched a few to share with you, but haven't recommended these services before so might be worth exploring more. There is a youth housing service in Brisbane here including temporary and immediate crisis support if she needs to find a home right away while you find something more stable. There is also this organisation called the youth housing project who might be able to give you some more support and leads on accommodation. I have also found a directory of housing support services here.

I can imagine that would prefer she stay with someone who can keep an eye on her. Does your daughter have a friend/group of friends looking to move out? A lot of young people I know who work part time and can't afford rent on their own live in house shares where they split the bills and rent across a group of friends- depending on whether she is open to living with other people, it can be a relatively cheap way to live independently but still have support around

[Faob_1]

Hi, sometimes we need to figure out what our kids value...are they looking for power, or for independence...what is driving their behaviour.  Sometimes when we are confronted with this it’s time to reveal our own vulnerabilities to our kids. Talk about the way you moved out of home, why you did, how it made you feel.if she won’t listen, then write her a letter. Sometimes revealing ourselves more shows our kids a side they never knew.  You may be surprised at her response. I’d tell her that using her little sister is not fair. Try to turn it into a teaching moment, rather than a criticism...we self criticise a lot, so don’t add to the critics she’s probably already hearing in her own head. Take a chance, and flip the narrative. Take a risk...tell her that you can’t instruct her how to live anymore, but when she has figured out how she wants to live, then you will help in the way she asks you to. Tell her that she can’t free load any more, and that as a parent you’re not doing the right thing by her to allow that to continue...you want her to be able to function independently in a world beyond home...If you’re wondering why I’m saying this, is because I have gone through this with my 16 year old. I’ve taken a chance, completely flipped how I was dealing with him...and believe me we have been through hell...drugs, violence, detention, school truanting, homelessness ..you name it. Once we threw away the big stick, and took a chance on flipping the dialogue, we have had a different response. It’s been calm, respectful, and over the space of 3 months we have established a connection that has not been there for 3 years. We’ve allowed him some independence which was at the top of his wants....and although I am worried, I put him on a flight to go across the country, to an unfamiliar city, with his tent and backpack, and allowed him to be resourceful, and, to quote him, “find his ‘42’ “. 

In in terms of finding accommodation, Uni students often advertise share rooms on Gumtree. There are backpacker lodges where a shared  room can had for $20/night. There are places that offer short term accommodation and guidance by social workers to manage budgets etc.. It’s not easy, I know. I wish you well. 

[Faob_1]

I wonder if this Ted talk might be of interest? Brene Brown on Vulnerability 

https://youtu.be/X4Qm9cGRub0

[Nikkita]

Could you text her the questions?
She probably won't reply but she might read them & think about them.
I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

[Beenthere]

I know that this is old, but let  her go!  My 17 year old daughter did the same thing and moved out as soon as she turned 18. . Fast forward 1 year later, her attitude has completely changed. No longer does she harbor the nasty attitude we could barely stand. We didn’t help her, not one cent during that year. Only once we realized that she had  truly changed did we start to provide a little financial help. But this experience was invaluable for her. She finally realized that there are rules everywhere and how good she had it at home. 
not trying to be cruel, but with the pandemic raging, she contracted Covid about a month ago. Even though she is fully vaccinated, she is still sick, not able to eat much. We pay her medical bills, bought her a. car and help her pay her insurance until she graduates from school. But she can’t stand her roommates. My stance is, she found a way out of our home, so she can find a way out of the situation she created. If I were to rush in and save her, she would r learn a thing. Not to mention, we have a young son to care for and have underlying health conditions that makes getting covid a no go.I love her, but she needs to be an adult now and get it together. Only then will she learn and get herself straight. We as parents are not here for long with our children. We have 18 years * really much less than 18: more like 10) to drill into them how to live. At some point, they have to learn. God could take me away tomorrow, but she needs to learn that all you really have in life is yourself. You are born alone and will die alone, so love yourself.