Seeking advice on teen daughter situation.

[SingleMomtoLex]

Hi, new here... I have been a single Mom to my daughter, (have full custody) who is now almost 16. Her father and I divorced when she was almost 3. He is a police chief and has never supported her , (no child support), and seen her at the most once a month, but never would have her over. She has longed for his attention. It has been a hard time, supporting her, and I spoiled her as I tried to make up for her pieces of life she was missing. Within the last 2 years, she has developed a very strong hatred towards me, if I am in the same room, she tells me to leave, she says she hates me, shut up, don't talk to me, and when her friends are over they ridicule me, intentionally do things to upset me, breaking things in my home, which I ignore, and go to my room and cry. I try so hard to get through this, but found it growing worse when it came to showing authority to her.

Two weeks ago she had not slept for 36 hours, because of playing video games all night, and had her best friend over, she then asked if she could have more friends over, I said "another time", you really need to sleep. She went off the handle, everytime I tried to enforce rules, or not give her, her way, she texts her Dad-which escalates the situation. I had a counseling appt for her but she refused to get out of the vehicle.

So at this point again, she moves into her Dads, she has done this twice this year for apx a week at a time. My exhusband has always said, "you know she will live with me as a teen." When she left she said, "I have always hated you. You will not see me get married, never see your grandkids when I have them."  Her hatred for me is so deep. I seen her last night to give her the Xbox, and she again was very mean. Upon leaving, I received a text from my exhusband stating that if I come back to the house, I will be charged with criminal trespass to residence. (I told him in the past that I will take this matter to court, and he said, "Go ahead, I know every judge in the state.")

Her best friend, is extremely rich, and hates her Dad, (whom she calls Kyle), and says all the time she wants to kill him. I believe Lex is feeding off of this. I feel like I am outnumbered.

I can't stop crying, my hands are so tied. I recently received a job offer in Florida, I'm in Illinois. I so want to take it to break free from their control.

Is this selfish, I just want to live again. Please give your honest advice... 

[captamerica]

@SingleMomtoLex  First off, you are certainly not being selfish.  The easy thing to say is you've done all you can and more, and enough is enough.  Move to Florida.  Give your daughter time to hopefully grow and mature and eventually realize all you've done for her and hope she eventually comes back in some way.

Having said all of that, I really don't know if it is realistic.  I can only try to imagine being in your shoes.  I don't know that I could walk away under any circumstance.  The only advice I can offer is to do what you think is right.  That's all you can control.  Does it solve your problem?  Unlikely.  But it might give you enough peace to get through it.

I've only been part of this community for a few days.  I have to say it is tough seeing how many people look to be trying hard to be good parents but find themselves in somewhat hopeless situations.  Before becoming a parent I would've said everyone needs to toughen up and not baby their kids so much.  But when dealing with your own child, especially a teenager, and seeing and understanding how fragile their psyches can be and realizing how bad the outcomes can be I'm really at a loss for what to do.  I thought I wasn't prepared to help take care of a newborn.  That looks so easy now.  Dirty diapers and crying and not sleeping seem like a bargain.

I hope you find some way to get through this.  All I really know is that you are not being selfish.

[Mumof2teens]

I so feel you. I found your post looking for help with my 15 and a half year old. Our situation is almost identical - except my husband and I are still together. Her anger is still aimed at me, even when I am just reinforcing things her dad has said. Things came to  head a few weeks ago which resulted in me moving into an airbnb for 10 days before I had a complete breakdown. Daughter is now staying at her boyfriends. She was due to come home today but has simply said no I'm not coming. She refuses to believe she has done anything wrong and her response to everything is 'you cannot make me" (usually followed by "I'm not a child". Sorry I have no advice to help - but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[SingleMomtoLex]

I am sorry to hear this. It really makes me wonder what are options are? Is your husband willing to work with you on this matter?

[SingleMomtoLex]

Thank you reaching out.... It's comforting to hear thoughts from other Moms. I feel so helpless. I have yet to hear from her, or my ex-husband, so maybe the move to Florida will happen.....

My advice to you is "tough love." I spoiled my daughter, because she was all that I had, and feel that I am paying the price now.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @SingleMomtoLex , I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling hopless lately. It is great to hear that you are feeling comforted by the support that you have received here on the forums. I hope that you are feeling a bit better after receiving the support. It can be really hard raising children, sometimes different approaches work better on different children. Sorry to hear that you feel as though you are paying the price by using the tough love approach. I hope that things get easier for you soon