TW: Cohesive abuse to my grandson by his girlfried

[Tagne]

My grandson is a amasing 16 year old with amasing supportive friends.  He has a girlfriend (for some 10 months now) that does not want him to have a relationship with his vey good school friends.  She chooses to get into his head and manipulate his thoughts to her advantage by txting him or speaking to him.  She gives him the guilt trip when he does not give her his 100% attention. She has a medical condition - seizures / fits and uses that to her advantage.  My grandson is very loving and caring and will run to her as soon as she mentions she is having a seizure.  Majority of times it is a lie but he goes to reassure and comfort her anyway.

The last few days have been very tiring for my grandson, his friends and myself.  The girlfriend ran away from home, stating problems at home, my grandson instantly was there to talk to her, she loved it.  She then manupilated my grandson to collect her from whereeve she was and further manupilated him to bring her way into my house, my office/studio appartment downstairs where my grandson has access, without my knowlegde or permission.  She is not welcome in my home, she is aware of that rule, due to the many emotional stressful occassions my grandson has had to endure because of her.  I need for him to have a safe space to think for himself and also with his friends, and for me too.

The next morning, when I realised she was in my home, I asked my grandson to ask her to leave.  They both left and went to a friends place up the road from me.  My grandson ensured she was safe and came back home, some 5 hours later.  They were still in constant communication.

That evening we received word from the good friend she was staying with that she had done a runner.  My grandson, his friends and I went looking for her, we found her and took her back home to her home to be with her mother. The mother was very grateful we had taken her home.

This morning the guilt trip begins from her to both my grandson and I.  How do I help my grandson?

[Stormy-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Tagne welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you have reached out to talk about your grandson's relationship and your experiences. It sounds like you are really concerned about his wellbeing with his girlfriend, whether he is being used, her unstable behaviour and your ability to set boundaries around having her in your space. The fact that she is now trying to guilt trip him for trying to help her also shows that he might need extra support in managing the emotional turmoil of the relationship. The fact that you have been there for him throughout all of this really reflects how much you care about his wellbeing, and I'm glad to hear that he has a supportive network of friends and yourself to help him.

It sounds like your grandson might not be completely aware of the stress that his girlfriend causes to himself but also to his friends and yourself. It's good that you have been able to create a safe space for him within your home, and it sounds like for the most part he has respected this. I was curious to know whether he is aware of exactly why you have set this boundary, and what that may reflect in his own relationship? While you cannot control his relationship and he must make his own choices, it may help for him to draw out an understanding for himself and why his friends can access this space but it's important for his girlfriend not to. It also sounds like you are concerned with how the girlfriend demands 100% of his attention, and that this relationship may be unbalanced where he is giving more than she is. I was wondering if you have had the chance to talk to him about how important it is to maintain his connections with his friends and look after his wellbeing, including putting himself first when necessary? This may be particularly important when he is feeling vulnerable and is now dealing with guilt tripping.

I also noticed that you said that you have been able to meet with her mother who was grateful for her to be home. Maybe it would be possible for you to connect with her mother, if it would help in any way to understand where she is coming from in the relationship and with instances like running away from home should it happen again? Having a plan for how to manage her emotional state and health conditions may help your son to have a healthier relationship.

Finally, I wanted to link you to some articles we have on our website on subjects you might want to bring up to your grandson. Here is an article which outlines some principles of respectful relationships. We also have an article here on how to help teenagers develop boundaries around relationships, including unhealthy ones. This article on having difficult conversations with your teen may also be helpful.

[Stormy-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Tagne welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you have reached out to talk about your grandson's relationship and your experiences. It sounds like you are really concerned about his wellbeing with his girlfriend, whether he is being used, her unstable behaviour and your ability to set boundaries around having her in your space. The fact that she is now trying to guilt trip him for trying to help her also shows that he might need extra support in managing the emotional turmoil of the relationship. The fact that you have been there for him throughout all of this really reflects how much you care about his wellbeing, and I'm glad to hear that he has a supportive network of friends and yourself to help him.

It sounds like your grandson might not be completely aware of the stress that his girlfriend causes to himself but also to his friends and yourself. It's good that you have been able to create a safe space for him within your home, and it sounds like for the most part he has respected this. I was curious to know whether he is aware of exactly why you have set this boundary, and what that may reflect in his own relationship? While you cannot control his relationship and he must make his own choices, it may help for him to draw out an understanding for himself and why his friends can access this space but it's important for his girlfriend not to. It also sounds like you are concerned with how the girlfriend demands 100% of his attention, and that this relationship may be unbalanced where he is giving more than she is. I was wondering if you have had the chance to talk to him about how important it is to maintain his connections with his friends and look after his wellbeing, including putting himself first when necessary? This may be particularly important when he is feeling vulnerable and is now dealing with guilt tripping.

I also noticed that you said that you have been able to meet with her mother who was grateful for her to be home. Maybe it would be possible for you to connect with her mother, if it would help in any way to understand where she is coming from in the relationship and with instances like running away from home should it happen again? Having a plan for how to manage her emotional state and health conditions may help your son to have a healthier relationship.

Finally, I wanted to link you to some articles we have on our website on subjects you might want to bring up to your grandson. Here is an article which outlines some principles of respectful relationships. We also have an article here on how to help teenagers develop boundaries around relationships, including unhealthy ones. This article on having difficult conversations with your teen may also be helpful.

[Tagne]

Thank you for your response, it was absolutely helpful.  I used the contents in your response and the articles to assist me to discuss further with my grandson, his amasing group of friends and then with his girlfriends mother.

I went to meet the mother at there home on Thursday afternoon and raised the incident the night before  and also my concerns I have for my grandson. 

The mother was not aware of the actions of her daughter, what transpired the night before, the involvement of the good friends to ensure her daughter was found and returned home safely.  She thanked me for bringing it to her attention.  The mother has since advised, she has booked an appointment for her daughter to seek medical assistance.

The girlfriend continues to txt my grandson and continues to spin lies etc.  I intend to raise this with her mother when I see her tomorrow.

Once again. I would like to thank you for your response, it was very helpful.

I am very grateful to you, the Forum and Reach Out for your ongoing support

[Tagne]

Thank you for your support

Just one more please, I require some beautiful words please.  What do I say to my grandson to wish him  a happy / awesome / fantastic / prosperous 2024 (it is his final year in high school)  

I appreciate your input.

[Natty-RO]

Hi Tagne,

Really glad to hear you found those resources helpful!

In relation to what you would like to wish for your grandson for 2024, that’s a tricky one as I feel that’s quite a personal and unique message that can only really be composed by yourself. I think from what you’ve already mentioned here is a really great start. Perhaps you can expand on those a bit? It’s clear to see how much you love and care for your grandson and that you want nothing but the best for him. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him!

[Tagne]

Thank you for your response.

Going back to the girlfriend, I need your assistance please.

As always my focus and attention is on my grandson, his peace of mind, his mental health & strength and wellbeing.

My grandson had asked me to celebrate New Years Eve with his girlfriend and their family at their home.  I didn’t mind, as I have now met the mother and family, and I am comfortable with him being there. 

I reached out to the mother to ensure it was indeed ok for by my grandson to be with them for New Years celebration.  The mother advised they were not celebrating at their home but at her friends home and also advised my grandson was welcome to join them.  I thanked her and said I would chat the my grandson.

I discussed this with my grandson and I explained that as I did not know the friend and family I preferred he did not go.  He agreed and then spoke to his girlfriend.  She was not happy with my decision, and insisted my grandson continue to pressure me to change my mind.  My grandson said we had discussed the change in plans with me and my decision, and he respected my decision as I had not met the family.  She wouldn’t give up and continued to badger my grandson even when he was receiving other calls, she refused to get of the line, she was quite happy to be put on hold while he spoke to his dad and his friends, she was still on hold (my poor grandson, he is communicating with his family & friends, knowing that she is still on the phone waiting for him to continue to speak to hear and the constant badgering.  My grandson is mindful that if he does not continue to speak to her, she may have a medical breakdown or seizure.  My grandson loves her but is afraid of the seizures and is so very torn)

Spoiler

I was recently made aware that they are sexually active and aware it is consensual and they are taking precautions.  I am afraid that with what is happening, she may call rape to retaliate.

For my grandsons peace of mind, mental health etc who do I need to report her to, as the barrage of abuse, manipulation, guilt trip is continuous from the minute he wakes till he goes to sleep at night.  His friends advised me yesterday, she can be on his phone for more than 5 hours at a time when he his with them (the very close friends)

How do I protect my grandson so that nothing ever happens to him?  He is in his final year at school and I would like to him to have a bright future.  Please help?

[Natty-RO]

Hey Tagne,

It sounds like the relationship your grandson has with his partner is causing not only a lot of distress to him but also yourself. It can be incredibly difficult and also confusing knowing what to do when we love someone but the relationship is showing signs that it’s not a very healthy one. From what you’ve mentioned, it looks like your grandson could benefit from engaging with a service that provides more specific support to individuals experiencing what your grandson is.

1800Respect is a confidential information, counselling and support service that’s free and available 24/7. They’re a fantastic service who I have no doubt would be able to provide you and your grandson with the help and support you need on how to navigate this difficult situation.

As it sounds like you and your grandson have a very strong relationship and that there’s a lot of trust there between the two of you, I wonder if this is something you could discuss with your grandson? Perhaps you can contact them together or even on his behalf if he is feeling too overwhelmed contacting them himself or is unable to do so safely if his partner is present?  

If you do at any point feel that either your grandson, his partner or yourself are in any sort of immediate danger, you can always call emergency services.

I hope you find this helpful and just know you're doing a fantastic job supporting your grandson! 
We're here for you! 

Take care Tagne.