(TW) My daughters Borderline Personality Disorder is destroying me

[Loving_dad]

I have just begun to try and deal with my daughter with BPD this past year. She had been depressed and always seemed triggered as a young girl. She had numerous attempts at suicide, and excess drug abuse. She is in her mid 20's now. She had 3 long stays at an out of state psychiatric facility and all 3 times, they never diagnosed her as BPD. Her mom and I divorced when she was around 5 or 6 yrs old. I have always been supportive of her and she was never abused.  She had very infrequently visited my wife and I when we lived 45 minutes away. Visiting her was not the easiest thing to nail down, partly because she lived with her mom. Recently, I needed to move into an affordable place to live as I was retiring and this seemed to trigger something inside of her. My new home was about 3.5 hrs away now.

Recent events brought up accusations of abandonment, not helping her with her diagnosis and choosing my wife over her. These just came flying out of the air and I was shocked. There was no talks of working this out by her and I was never able to get details out of her why she felt like this. I have studied about BPD and spoke with 2 good friends of 35+ yrs that are psychologists. I was given an ultimatum to seek counseling before she would talk to me with no explanation as to why by her. As much as I tried to talk sense into her and rationalize all of these accusations, it all failed. The pain I am accused of inflicting on her goes as far as to blame me for being this far away, me fighting cancer AND a heart issue all at the same time. As much trauma as I went through 4 yrs ago with my health....her pain is my fault for not living closer to her. Keep in mind that both my kids know they are welcome any time to visit and stay with us. That rarely happened. I have no challenges at all with my son and he is very loving and understanding. As of today, we are still at square one with her and I am blamed for her pain and suffering. She was a 'Daddy's Girl' up until this development. I struggle to make sense of her tone and do my best to remain calm and validate her feelings. One thing that I am forced to realize is that my wife and I have to maintain our mental health. It hurts.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences....it helps.

[Dem--RO]

Hi @Loving_dad and welcome to the Parents Forum.

We hope that you are able to connect with other parents, and find the support that you are in need of.

I'm really sorry that you have had these experiences, and the difficult health issues that you mentioned as well.

Regarding maintaining your mental health, what sort of supports do you currently have in place?

For reference, we are an Australian-based service, however I do see that the organisation NAMI may be a potential resource, or a good starting point for you.

Also, we did need to edit small parts of your post to better align with our community guidelines. 

Take care. 

[Yancywring]

My daughter is 18 and she has the same condition. I feel deep down my mental health is horrible. Her disorder has made me not want to go on. I try to be happy but they break your heart - I know she tries but I always end up feeling so used and not loved. I feel like I can’t be good for anyone. I know sooner or later I need to let her go…

[amy19]

When I wrote my op it was to a different post I've got confused typing. Didn't know how to delete so edited instead.

[Iona_RO]

Hi @Yancywring 

Thanks for reaching out, it sounds like you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment. We're here for you 

Being there for someone who is struggling themselves can be really tough, and it's important to remember to look after yourself too. I'm wondering if you have any support at the moment? Whether that be from family and friends, or a therapist?

I'm going to send you an email too, so keep an eye out for that coming your way soon.

[Nana13]

I am so sorry you are in that situation. I am in a very similar situation with my daughter. We were also very close until her symptoms worsened at age 16. She now has two children that I have bonded with since birth, taking care of them every weekend at least. The kids are now 5&6, I love and adore them more than anything. My daughter suddenly stopped letting me see them. I've tried everything to get visition but no one will help.

[Dem--RO]

Hi @Nana13, and welcome to the Parents Forum. We hope that by connecting with other parents that you are able to find the support and resources you need.

We are so sorry to hear about this incredibly difficult situation that you are in with your daughter, and have sent you an email, so please keep an eye out for that.

We'd like to ensure that you are feeling supported given what has happened, and wanted to check if you currently have any close friends or family members that you trust enough to be able to open-up to about what you have been going through? Alternatively, would you feel comfortable speaking with a professional, such as a counsellor?

Please take care of yourself, and again, please keep an eye out for our email. 

As a side note, we did need to make some small edits to your post so that it better aligns with our Community Guidelines.

[Phiona27]

There is so much relief and sadness reading these stories. I have deep empathy for everyone and know I am not alone. My daughter abused herself and me, both physically and emotionally for years. Knocking me out cold among other things. She was 14 when the BPD started to show its ugly head. She is currently in her 30s and behaving the same. I did anything and everything you folks have done. I have had outsiders say they could never have consitantly done what my husband and I went through to help her. If my husband had not passed he would be joining me here. I put my heart and soul into getting her help and she resisted everything. I felt helpless, constantly overwhelmed, fearful and always walking on egg shells. Never knowing what the next trigger was or when. It was a nightmare and takes its tole on parents and loved ones. The love and concern I have for her will always be there, she will always be my baby. As I am getting older I had to make a choice, continue with the verbal beat downs or take care of me. I finally chose me and cut ties with her, very very painful. As it's been said, this is her journey now. Love them and be there no matter what and make time for SELF CARE. I wish for all our daughters to find help and some joy in life as I wish for the parents also.

[Chloe-RO]

Dear @Phiona27 ,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is important for the community to realise the importance of setting healthy boundaries, particularly for those with BPD. It sounds like as much as it hurts to cut ties, you have realised the abuse could no longer continue.

Abuse in anyway is never acceptable. I'm hearing how tough it must have been to watch your child take the road that she has. Carer fatigue is only so real when it comes to caring for someone with BPD. The continual hyper-vigilance can certainly take its toll.

One thing to remember though, those with BPD are very emotionally sensitive. Whatever has happened, she will NEVER forget that you are her parent and what you have done for her.

Stay strong! Stay True! Stay hoping!

[Lolalee]

Hey , I hope your situation got better . I am almost in the same situation , my daughter will be 15 in July and she’s making my life hell , she’s yelling and screaming at night when I turn the Wi-Fi off , she even wakes up her little one year old sister . She doesn’t care , she gets physical threatens to beat me and when I defend myself she claims I would hit her and tells people I used to hit her when she was little . She doesn’t let me sleep at night , I’m sick I have 2 serious conditions I can’t deal with it any longer . She harms herself and she threatens suicide whenever things don’t go her way . Her therapist gave up on her , I feel hopeless and alone . I’m looking for a new one but it is hard because they have long waiting lists and some of them don’t even put you on the waiting list . Her outbursts affect her little sister because there’s constantly yelling and aggression . She’s not aggressive towards her little sister but she wakes her up and yells in front of the room where she’s sleeping . I’m a single mother and I’ve always been there for her but she always says I was the worst mother and it’s all my fault . I’m devastated, she does whatever she wants , goes out whenever she wants even when I tell her no, calls me horrible names and when I lose it and snap she’d record me and sent it to her father , her friends , everyone , making it seem like I would verbally abuse her . I snapped a few times especially when she was yelling so loud for almost an hour in the middle of the night right next to my other daughters room . She would threaten me and tell me she’d wake her sister up , when I don’t turn on the Wi-Fi at 2am In the morning because she wants to talk to her friends . I know I have a short fuse and I’m far away from being a perfect mother and maybe I did everything wrong but I’ve always tried my best . I’m jot proud of myself because I yell alot when she pushes my buttons and sometimes I yell because it’s all too overwhelming for me . I hope your situation got better and I hope you are okay