Teen boy and Pot

[Bummedmom]

I am a mother of 3 sons, my oldest is 9 years older than my 14 year old and I also have a 10 year old. My husband and I are very involved with our sons and their grades and sports.
My teen son has always had that charming outgoing personality. He is a freshman in highschool, honor classes and has adjust well to freshman year.
He is a top notch athlete, he has had his struggles but has always risen to the occasion to make himself better.
The past few months he has been hanging with a group of boys most which are athletes as well.
He has always been open to me about what boys do what. Who vapes, has drank alcohol, and some who have smoked pot. I always kept an open mind and had trust that he would make the right choices.
This past weekend my husband made a statement to me saying, he thinks our son may have smoked pit because no one hangs out with kids that do it and don’t do it as well.
Well today I was driving with my son and brought up what my husband said and my son admitted to trying it. He responded with it’s not something he always does but has tried it. I did not react, honestly I was heart broken. I continued to drive and spoke to him about the consequences in real life, ie sports, school etc. I informed him how it is in his system for many days and how it will ruin his future should the school etc want to drug test him for any reason.
I have spoken with my husband about it, his approach is different than mine even though our end result is the same.
I want to approach it with knowing all details, who got it, why, when, how often etc. I am more of a details matter. I would like to have a sit down and discuss all these things as well as our expectations and rules.
My husband says that I’m trying to be his friend and that it’s not an approach he will take. He is more of a lay down the law and have him on a short leash.
I would hate for this to be a reason for my son to never come to me should he need to.
I would like to give him a choice, smoke weed and cut off all privileges which I give him, put sports on the line because athletes in my book need to be at their best health and physical abilities.

I am just looking g for advice. I am not saying my way is right and my husbands is wrong. I think in this situation every child and circumstances are not very cut and dry.
His grades are still high honor roll, he is working out everyday for sports and next sport is about to begin.
My husband and I have always been very open about drugs & alcohol in our household. I have no tolerance for it as my husband and I both do not partake in anything. If I have 2-3 drinks a year that is a lot.
His older brother is a college athlete does not do drugs but as a college student he does go out to party’s and the bar. But it is not something that is in my 14 year olds face.
I have spoken about addiction and expressed to all my sons how it runs in our family and my fears. I have always spoke to my children and have told them
Drugs and addiction does not discriminate- it does not care about your race, wealth, social status, creed, sexuality…it will take anyone over anyones souls and it maybe just one time and you are done no matter how much you may not want it. I know weed is not that and not at this moment but I feel this needs to be instilled in them because today my be weed tomorrow may be alcohol and then next heroin.

How has anyone addressed this. Open honest kid, but need to keep him on the right track.

Thank you in advance

[Courtney-RO]

Hi @Bummedmom Thank you for sharing here with us on the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much at the moment with your son, it sounds like such a stressful situation. You mentioned that you had spoken to your son about consequences, I was just wondering what his response to this was?

As this can be such a stressful and overwhelming situation to handle on your own, I was just wondering if you had anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this? Whether it be a trusted friend or family member, or even a health professional.

I'm also wondering how you are looking after yourself during this difficult time? It's important to practice some self-care to make sure that you're getting through this too.

We are all here to listen and support you.

[Bummedmom]

We did not discuss the current consequences. But I have always said if that is the route they choose athletics, hanging out with friends etc are all off the table. I guess my real question is, do I have the discussion again and remind him of these consequences? As he explained to me that he has tried it not necessarily that it’s a thing he does often or if he has even done it more than once. That is the discussion I am going to have have with him this evening.

My husband is my support system and him and I have discussed it. I remember when I caught my oldest son smoking cigarettes. I didn’t ground him or scream, I made him write a paper about the side effects of smoking, what it does to your body and how it would effect him as an athlete, lung cancer, and heart disease. Once he completed the paper he told me he was done and that o could read it. I deleted it. He looked at me and I said I know all the consequences of smoking but I needed to make sure you do. And then I left the choice up to him. But made it clear you smoke you don’t play sports.

I’m not looking after myself, I’m fine as I understand that at some point in my childrens lives they will make a choice that I don’t agree with but it’s my job to keep them on track.

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Bummedmom , I think having a discussion with your son and reminding him of your values as a family and what consequences are on the table if he chooses to go down that path is a great idea. It sounds like you have a very open relationship with your son and that you've built a really strong foundation of trust, so hopefully he is receptive to what you have to say and understands where you're coming from. 

I'm glad to hear that you and your husband have been supporting each other while you navigate this situation, and that you're doing fine. I really like the approach that you took with your older son with regard to smoking - I think that encouraging your teens to learn for themselves what the negative side effects of smoking cigarettes and other substances is a great way to show them that you aren't just trying to be punitive, you're trying to encourage them to do what's best for their health and wellbeing. 

If you think it might be useful to you, here's the link to one of our articles about talking to teens about drug use. It sounds like you're already doing a great job of having these kinds of open conversations, but feel free to check it out nonetheless. 

Keep us posted on how your discussion with your son goes! 

[Bummedmom]

Well I spoke with my son today on our way Home from his workouts. Totally stayed calm and just spoke from my heart. I asked all the questions that went through my head all day. I explained that I was a teenager and understand all the things, pressures, insecurities, and curiosities teens have. I went on to explain to him that when I was a freshman in highschool my situation was very different then his. My mother had just passed away from cancer and I was lost, and curiosity gets the best of us at times. I said there are a lot of things in our lives and in this world that we can not control.. we can’t control those who die, the pandemic, wars, and decisions other make etc, but, that we can control our decisions and those who we surround ourselves with and how that will effect our future. He was definitely attentive and receptive of what I was saying.

I then asked if he had spoken to his friends (those who I know he has been with) and he said yes. He said that when he told them they said how did she know. He told them I asked and he admitted it. They called him stupid and that he shouldn’t of told me. He replied with I don’t lie to my parents especially my mom, besides if she wants to know she will find out, I would rather get in trouble for the act of but not for being a liar and deceitful.
He then continued to tell me that he told them he wasn’t going to do it again and they asked why and he said bc grades, sports and our trust is more important.

I told him how I appreciated his honesty and that is why I did not over react and lose my cool with him. But I did ask if he liked it ? And if so why? He did tell me that he didn’t do it often and maybe only a handful of times ever. He said that it did just calm him down and helped him to sleep when he was at his friends house.
I have always been on the fence with him having adhd and probably have even down played it to dr’s when they would go over the yearly questionnaire they would give me. I always analyzed the whole situation. He has great grades in honors classes, when I am home and see him lose focus I redirect, I keep him active in sports which helps him exert his energy. At times I have tried to give him melatonin to help with sleeping but it gives him restless legs and he does not like that feeling at all. (He is just like me hence why I type so much and have to give every little detail)
So bottom line he told me he is more worried about grades, sports and his future than that.

I followed and ended conversation with,- I can not control what you do, I can only guide you to make the best decisions, but I will not condone any actions like that. If he chooses to do it, there will be no sports, no gym memberships, no fancy expensive meals and supplements he wants to take so he can be the best athlete he wants to be. I continued to tell him that I will not waste my hard earned money on all this stuff if he is just contradicting his health with drugs.
I also said that he will be under our watch and that the hanging out with friends is being pulled back for a bit and during that time he needs to reevaluate who he is surrounding himself with.
He came home went to 2 baseball practices this evening after his football workout. Completed his homework and had me help him study for his honors biology test.
But at the end of the conversation I told him he is one of my best gifts. He is so charming, handsome, loving, brutally honest, and borderline genius, I told him he is on this earth to make change and to be heard, and don’t let any stupid mistake define his future.
I hope he didn’t just try to charm me, but I am all over this and I refuse to allow him to be another statistic!

Thank you for your listening ear and reassurance through this little hiccup in mine and our sons life. Just typing it out on here had allowed me to look at the big picture.

[Iona-RO]

Thanks so much for updating us @Bummedmom. It was really great reading through how well you dealt with the situation in a loving, respectful and caring way. It really makes all the difference when we make our children feel heard and really build on that trust in the relationship. It sounds like it was taken on really well by your son too, that he's been able to reflect on his actions honestly and rethink on the things that are actually important to him.

Well done, it can be so difficult to approach these topics with our teens without getting frustrated or angry. You've done such a good job at opening the conversation up and creating a safe space for him to be truthful and rational. Lovely to hear that typing everything out here was helpful for you, we are always here for a listening ear and reassuring chat.