Teenage Boys Unconditional Heartbreak

[Hannahloulou016]

I have 3 Children . Boy 1- 19yr, Boy 2 - 17yr and Girl 13yr. After a long 16yr marriage ending of years of emotional abuse and control my boys have chosen to live with their father . Although I speak to them everyday . The decision came down to this . Me ... structure career driven and motivated . Hard worker . Their father manipulating con artist chased by creditors . His home is the classic man cave where the boys can have their friends over till all hours of the morning everyday . The three of them are unemployed. I just cannot understand how these boys can respect his way of life so easily and constantly critising me for trying to get them into Tafe or some form of education for their future . I’m a nag and they switch off . My heart is breaking as I see my boys not achieving anything .. and scabbing every dollar from the ashtray of my car or dressing table .(the only time they come to visit me ) I’m just so sad about this . Did I do it to them by divorcing their dad ? Why don’t they want more out of this life given to them . How can they not see the love and support I have for them and why did they leave ?

[gina-Ro]

Hi @Hannahloulou016 , thanks for creating this thread , and again welcome ! 

I'm so sorry to hear your situation - it must be heartbreaking for you to see your sons making this decision . It sounds very much like they have followed their father's example, rather than yours  - which might seem like the easier option for them at this point in their lives, but as you say, will not do well for their futures.  

As they are still young, and not yet emotionally fully developed, I think there's a good chance they will continue to mature and come to see and appreciate the love and support you have shown them. 

Other parents on the forum have had similar situations, and can hopefully offer you some insight from their experiences. 

How is your relationship with your daughter? 
I'm also wondering what support you have in place for yourself in all of this? 

[Ashestogolddust]

@Hannahloulou016, sorry to hear about your situation. Its every mother's dream to see their kids do well. Its never to late. Please keep in touch with them through regular texts, phone calls and round table meetings when they come round to yours. You can also work on the eldest son her can influence the orders. Have you considered taking him for a meal where you can talk and drive some sense into him? Please don't loose hope, hang on in there. They need guidance. What of your daughter?

[Hannahloulou016]

Thankyou.  It is a daily struggle trying to reach them. There is aggression , yelling and abuse almost everyday.  On the other hand my daughter is very much connected to me.  She is concentrating on her school work and has a very mature approach to the whole situation.  I keep positive vibes around her. She spends more time with me than her dad at the moment.  Which is another affirmation.  What is she getting that the others don't? 

The boys are just off the rails and way to powerful for me.  My eldest towers over me.  So Im trying to use my words but they are not listening. Im not sure what you mean by support for myself?  Emotional support? Financial ? 

[Hannahloulou016]

Hey,  Yes Im consistently trying to organise meetings , dinners etc.  They have no time (apparently) always too busy.  That hurts considering they are not at school and unemployed.  Mothers Day was an absolute disaster as they spent it with their DAD.....   I contact them everyday regardless.  My daughter is different and Im trying to shelter her from them as much as possible and keep appositive outlook for her.  So far she is doing very well. Shes an achiever and very easy to speak to .  Feeling blessed with her. 

[gina-Ro]

@Hannahloulou016 great to hear that you have a strong relationship with your daughter. Must be so tough feeling disconnected from your sons though. 

Sorry I should have clarified - by support for yourself I meant emotional - things are really challenging at the moment and its important you have your own support network whether it be counselling or one or two supportive friends or whatever is helpful to keep your emotional energy up! 

 As @Ashestogolddust has said - keep on keeping on, you're doing amazing to not give up on your sons and keep sending the message (no matter how much it feels like they're not hearing it), that you love and care for them. 

[Ashestogolddust]

@Popcorn. Really glad to hear you relate well with your daughter. Keep paddling on. Hopefully they will come to realize someday that all this while, you had their best interest at heart. Please stay strong and don't loose hope. If communicating verbally is becoming difficult, keep up with loving texts, find ways to keep communication your motherly love.

[Popcorn]

@Hannahloulou016 this response is for your and I agree with what @Ashestogolddust has said. xx

[Hannahloulou016]

Thankyou it’s a comfort knowing that someone understands .