Teenage drug use

[saphyra]

Thank you @Nikkita, as you said it sounds odd but just know we are not alone is often the best support. I’m sorry you are going through this with your son, it can be so easy to self blame as parents and feel like we have failed in our job as parents. I think know we are not in this alone helps to relieve self blame and gives me the emotional boost to keep trying and supporting my teen for what I hope will be a positive future.

[Nikkita]

Hi @saphyra
Thanks for your reply.
Whilst I was lying in bed this morning, my son came in and gave me a hug. He said it was his fault re last night. That now he felt like **bleep** & wondered if he could talk to someone. I suggested someone & he said maybe. He was upset about "friends" being dishonest. My son is so loyal & protective of his friends. Unfortunately a lot of them don't give what he does to the friendship. He gets disappointed & disheartened & unfortunately uses something to stop thinking about the issue. I've told him he needs to find other ways. I didn't have to say much he knew what he did was wrong. Sometimes it's really hard to know how to help your teen. He then got a bit moody with me. I plainly said don't take it out on me & his familiar reply was "Well stop pissing me off/ making me angry."
I know he's also angry at himself.

[saphyra]

Being able to recognise his own behaviour is a huge step, my daughter can generally get there after she calms down a bit. I am sometimes still fuming at the ears and she starts being all logical and trying to talk about her behaviour. Her major hurdle is actually talking about things, she usually goes off and hides in the park and texts me, she has a really fear of confrontation.
Many times when it seems we are working through something there is some miscommunication or I say something “wrong” and we end up in another battle.
Trying to be firm but fair, understanding but not manipulated. It is like balancing on a tightrope sometimes.
Best of luck with you son, my best advice is when he asks for that help try not to wait to help him find someone. At first I put off finding a Counsellor or any therapy when my daughter first reached out for help, and when she really needed it it was much harder to get her interested.

[Nikkita]

Yes I totally understand what you mean about "saying the wrong thing", I've even tried listening and saying nothing but then I get a "Well aren't you even going to say something or are you even listening?" remark. My son gets moody & takes his moods out on me but is so quick to point out when I'm not calm & collected. I'm only human, I can't always have it together.
I agree re organising help. I want ahead and organised headspace & a few other things without telling my son. Waiting periods are awful in these critical times.

[Sarah2856]

@saphyra Hi! This is a very difficult situation, I truly sympathize with you. My friend had a similar situation with her son. She managed to find a good psychotherapist who helped her son. It turned out that he had problems with drugs because of peer pressure at his school. There are many reasons why teens start taking drugs, you can read about them here https://addictionresource.com/teenage-drug-abuse/. It usually happens because they are quite vulnerable when facing social difficulties. Hope you will find a reason which caused drug abuse and solve the initial problem which is rooted in this addiction.

[amour81]

Hello, I am new here. Was looking for a site for moms with teenagers and found this one.
I too just had a first time situation with my 15yr son. Who has never got in trouble in school, never had calls teachers complaining about his behavior his whole life up until he reached HS. Recently, the school called me and they took him to ER, only to find out he had overdosed on marijuana 😟 you could imagine my reaction when I got the call from the principal at school. I rushed to the hospital, a bunch of test was done on him (because at first his story, someone drugged his drink in school) it wasn’t until we did a urine test. It came positive for marijuana. I couldn’t believe it, my own son, mind you before spring break finished we had a talk on drugs. He informed he has never done it nor will he ever. I was more shocked and couldn’t believe the test results. Long story short, he stood by his story past 10 days until I said enough is enough. Went back to how my parents raised me. Punishment with the good belt, he confessed “he took a brownie” I don’t think I see my son the same after that. I don’t know what, or how to be now. Yes, I spanked him. But does that mean he won’t do it again. I have kept him home since the incident and will start homeschool from this point on until I can trust him again. What did I miss ? How come I didn’t see it ? His excuse “peer pressure” “everyone in the school is doing it” his behavior didn’t change much maybe that’s how I didn’t notice it. Should I get him help or take him to rehab ? Big sigh 😔

[Dad4good]

Hey @amour81 ,

Sounds like your having a tough time with your son's behaviour, but even more with the fact that he broke your trust. In terms of the behaviour, its very common for kids to experiment with marijuana (and other things like cigarettes, alcohol) when they meet a new cohort of peer influencing teens!

I understand that knowing something is common doesn't always put you at ease through, but its good to know that the experimentation very rarely goes beyond that, and with your sons history I doubt you have anything to worry about (still, knowing probably doesn't make you feel any better!).

In terms of the trust, well, that one's harder to shake off. And it might take some effort on his part to earn that back. This topic is also a really personal one with parents taking very different views. My suggestion would be to start afresh and say how hurt you were by the deception and that all you want is for him to be happy and healthy. Then engage in a conversation about how he is coping with everything. I imagine it would be a really tough time for him having to deal with changes and peer influences (and the "poor decisions" are a symptom of that). Also, maybe (if there is a problem with his current school) you could look into other schools in your area.

Just keep talking and communicating, you both sound like you want the best for each other and I'm sure you'll get there!

Thanks for sharing your concerns, and best of luck! 

[Dad4good]

Hi @Nikkita & @saphyra ,

I usually see long discussions and skip over them (I'm a little lazy in that sense!), but the opening post and following posts were really insightful. So thanks to both of you for sharing!

Sorry, I forgot who wrote the initial post, but the thing that struck me was your last sentence about wanting your young person to move out. Obviously this comes after a marathon of challenges and a loss of control over a long period of time, but its a feeling that I can also identify with, and yah, it doesn't feel good as a parent to admit that!

The deception, abuse, taking for granted, and general disrespect is something that you are facing and living with on a daily basis. Coupled with the fact that this is coming from the person who you love more than anything in the world, and that's a tough gig!

I guess, I just want to let you know that its ok to feel like you have had enough and that you need space. Its ok to feel that your tired of being pushed around and walked over, after all, that is your reality, that's whats going on for you.

More likely than not, your child does love you and does want the best for you, even if s/he doesn't realise it yet! One day they will. Until then, look after yourself and don't be afraid to seek treatment for the whole family, as everyone is usually affected!

Best of luck  

[saphyra]

@Dad4good

Thank you for your reply, when I read it I felt a knot untie from my chest just a little. I know it is ok to feel like enough is enough but when someone else tells you it’s ok it packs more of an impact.
My daughter and I have come to a truce of sorts and she is doing better, I still feel a little on eggshells when we talk or I ask her to help around the house but so far we have had no fights.
I have been thinking a lot about her moving out and wonder how I will cope with it. When we are battling it is easy to feel ready for her to go, all the other times I just can not imagine a home without her in it. She is 17 and most likely moving out sooner rather than later, this is my first baby to leave the nest so to speak and I have come to realise I am not great with big changes.

[Dad4good]

Hey @saphyra ,

Really good to hear that things have calmed down for you!!!

I think you nailed it when you said: When we are battling it is easy to feel ready for her to go, all the other times I just can not imagine a home without her in it.

It sounds like it will be tough for you when she moves out. You have lived together for 18 years, and even though you are not "separating" the day-to-day contact will reduce. Its a big step!

I wonder how your daughter will find the experience? She has an even bigger change, with all of the things associated with becoming independent!

Anyway, good luck