Am struggling with my 17yr old son

[MomOf4boys]

Hi this is the first time I join this group. I am seeking advice regarding my 17yr old. I am a single mother of 3 boys (been separated for 3 years) my 17yr old son and I have always had a great relationship/bond we can talk about anything and everything but every since last September after the hurricane Harvey everything went down the drain for him. I know he had so much stress on himself and ended getting kicked out of football for failing a class and after that he didn’t care about his future. He started hanging out with the wrong crowd and we have struggled back and forth with him to where he left the house wanting his freedom saying he wants to come and go as he pleases from my home, I have rules in my home which my other two boys follow he should too. After leaving and coming he decided he wanted to move in with his girlfriend and her parents which they are ok with it when their daughter is only 16! Excuse my language but who the hell would be ok to move in a guy with their daughter at that age? My son has a different father that he has never met (his father committed a crime) and I left with my son, he wants to meet him says he needs to close that chapter in his life that has always haunted him...not sure if that’s something I want to do at this point if it would benefit him or not...I would like for him to come home but every time we bring up the subject and he says he wants to come and go as he pleases I tell him the rules still apply. Which is attend school every day (he started skipping school with his girlfriend) has a decent curfew no later than 10p on the weekends and 8p on school nights and has to handle his responsibilities at home-chores. I just feel that my son rather roam around the streets and I will be held responsible for his actions since he is not 18 yet until October. My two other sons are seeing all this and I have to stand my ground, but am afraid my son will get caught up with people and things (smoking) that he won’t be able to stop...at the end I want my children to be successful and happy but I feel like every day that goes by am loosing my son little by little...what can I do? Thank you in advance for your time and your advices.
Worried Mom

[Lan-RO]

Hi @MomOf4boys welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear that things went downhill with your son after hurricane Harvey, I can only imagine how difficult that has been. It's great that you are standing your ground and want your children to be successful and happy. I will tag some of our members who may be able to provide you with some support and advice @Sister @taokat @sunflowermom @Schooner

[sunflowermom]

Hi @MomOf4boys

I am sorry you are going through this with your 17 year old.  I know its such a sticky situation when the other kids see the behavior of the older one.  I am definitely going through that too.  Sounds like you are a wonderful, loving, strong mom. I am so glad you are sticking to the rules in your house.  I know that sometimes the rules get broken but you are doing your best.  I can imagine its so stressful trying to deal with all this on your own.  Do you are your son have open lines of communication or does he just shut you out completely?  Hang in there and know that you are not alone.  We are all going through similar situations.  We don't have all the answers but we are here to listen to each other.

[Breez-RO]

Hi @MomOf4boys thanks so much for posting, it sounds like you really possess a lot of love and concern for your son which is so beautiful. It's so interesting this very frequent pattern of seventeen year olds really beginning to test the boundaries of respect and self-restraint. You're definitely not alone. Your son is however a young man now, at almost 18, it is comprehensible he wants to meet his Father. Despite your experience with this man, for your Son, it is an understandable genetic yearning.

On this note however, I think it's incredible you are protecting your Son from him, as hard as it is for you, could you come to some sort of agreement that when he is eighteen you will support him with his questions? A family counsellor could help the two of you work through this. In regards to living with the girlfriend, I totally hear your concerns. Have you had a chance to speak with her parents at all?

Are you located in the USA? Look forward to hearing from you!

[MomOf4boys]

Thank you so much I appreciate your help

[MomOf4boys]

We definitely still maintain our communication open that is one of the things I don’t want to loose from him. He calls me to go have dinner by ourselves and with his brothers. He tells me to trust him and to believe that he can do this on his own. He feels like he is one less mouth to feed at home which should mean one less person to worry about but he doesn’t understand it doesn’t work like that once you are a parent you will always worry about your children but for now am just being patient with him and still communicating and reminding him he has a family (might be small) that will always be there for him.

[MomOf4boys]

My son says he wants to meet his father but if it makes me feel uncomfortable we won’t go in but this is something that every since he knew he has a different dad he has been wanting to meet him. He said he wants me to be there with him and doesn’t want to do it without me but he needs to have closure as a young man. I spoke with the mother of the girl and they said they are ok with him staying there. They even allow their 18yr old son to live there with his girlfriend! I mean have I missed something? I would never allow something like that in my home I would take that girl home and explain to her how important it is for her to be with her parents until she is an adult I would never be ok with this. Right now my son tries from time to time to say he wants to come home but still wants to do what he wants and I still say we can compromise since I understand he is turning 18 but the freedom of getting home at 1 or 2a won’t be compromising on that, I don’t even get home that late and that’s because am an adult. So he chooses to be with his girlfriend. I did emphasize on how important it is not to get her pregnant and how to be smart about it because at the end he will become responsible for another life and his life will change. I can’t force him to come home unless I report him as a runaway but that will ruin his chances of getting into college or maintaining any good jobs in the future so all I can do right now is keep the lines of communication open, and keep spending time with him...

Thank you so much for all your great words I am thankful I signed up here and getting to read everyone’s great words it has helped me out tremendously. We live in Houston.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @MomOf4boys

That was heartwarming that he calls to wish you and his brothers a good dinner.  In my opinion that fact that you have good communication is one of the most important parts.  Keeping in contact hopefully eases your mind a little when he is not at home.  I think it is amazing that you are being patient and reminding him that you are all there for him.  You are so right that we never stop worrying about our kids. Hugs to you.