Can’t stand my step son who is 22 yrs old

[Liz1983]

I married my husband in 2007 and he has two kids with different woman. I should have seen what complicated situation I was getting myself into . Baby mama drama for sure . With one of them we would always pick him up and bring him over the weekends . So after many years unfortunately his mother died . Kid had trouble in the past , his mother would always go out and leave him alone let him do whatever he wanted when we brought him here bc he was 17 in 2017 he sold drugs in high school got caught and well yet again got caught by a cop selling marijuana. It’s just been a roller coaster and a headache. He’s been doing good so far and it’s just he’s now 22 still living with us and I just feel like it’s time for him to move out every night he goes out comes back around three or four in the morning, and sometimes I wake up from the noise. He got into singing and well good for him right at least something good . But it drives me crazy. ! All he does is listen to his music every day even when he showers and also we have one of the biggest problems he is very messy, he has trash in his room, dirty clothes, that literally I can smell it from the living room . I’m unhappy I am
Miserable in my own apartment . His father has told him multiple times to be organized but no use . He’s just lazy . He’s been with us since he was 17 now he’s 22 and will turn 23 in October . I mean he does pay rent . Am I being too harsh?

[Soph-RO]

Hey @Liz1983 your feelings are very valid. It sounds like you feel uncomfortable in your own home and that's not a nice feeling. I'm hearing you're in a complicated situation and you care about him but you'd like some boundaries and respect. Does he need a gentle nudge to find his feet? Do you think if he had some support and encouragement he might feel confident enough to go out on his own? 

Have you tried to speak with him about boundaries and respecting your home? This resource about conflict resolution might be useful. 

Thank you for reaching out here. We can hear your frustration, you're not being too harsh, you deserve to feel heard and to feel comfortable in your own space. 

[Liz1983]

I feel like I have this resentment towards my husband because whenever I’ve complained, she will get upset with me and say what do you do you want me to do? We keep telling him and he’s good for a month and slack off again it’s like a repeat since 2017. I’ve just had it and you know he will be turning 23 and I think he should just leave. I’m not sure what he’s waiting. He’s gotten trouble in the past, and his excuse was that he can’t go because he’s paying for his lawyer when he got caught selling drugs and all the court orders and stuff.

[Pho-RO]

@Liz1983 It sounds very frustrating to be in this situation and to feel like you are not having your needs respected. It sounds like your husband isn't quite sure what to do either, which makes it harder to make an executive decision. Would he be open to some family counselling perhaps? 

You deserve to have a space where you can vent and talk about what you're experiencing where you will be heard. Do you have any friends or family members you can talk to about this? Or perhaps a counsellor or other mental health professional? It's understandable that you are feeling so frustrated with this situation, and it's okay to need a little extra support to help you navigate it.