01-09-2018 08:50 AM - last edited on 01-09-2018 04:01 PM by Danielle-RO
Long story short we live about 15 minutes from my daughter's school. It's a 15 - 20 minute walk. She EXPECTS a ride daily and I've told her no that she can walk. She is 16, soon to be 17. It's winter and there is snow...she says she can't wear her boots to school because she doesn't have a locker (I told her in September to get a locker), now there are none left. I suggested she share with one of her many friends....she flat out refuses or says that no one will share with her. She does whatever she can to avoid actually walking to and from school. She'll take a cab, but now that she has no job, she can't really do that. She said she'd get another job but finds it "too stressful". My 19 yr old son has a job and while I will drive him to work, he does chores in return for the drives to work and if I tell him I can't take him to work, he doesn't go up one side of me and down the other. As soon as I tell my daughter no that I'm not coming to get her she pulls out all the stops and tells me she thinks I enjoy making her life miserable. That I'll driver her brother where ever he wants to go but I won't drive her. I won't drive her because she "expects" or "demands" it.....I will drive her brother because he does not "demand it". If I tell him I can't he simply finds an alternative way to get where he's going. My daughter lashes out and tells me how everyone else's parents drive them around and I'm the only one who won't.
Today she went to a friends after school to "work on homework"....it is not snowing, it is not cold out....she asked if I could pick her up on my way home (it is not on my way).....because she has too many books in her backpack and it's too heavy to carry all the way home. (yet she will walk to this friends house at 6:45 in the morning so she doesn't have to walk to school alone, but she doesn't want to walk home with her book bag containing 3 text books). I told her no. She says I'm hurting her feelings and making this all about me and not listening to her. She's sooooo frustrating. I love her but good grief does she try to manipulate.
How do I keep my sanity and not feel hurt by the "guilt trip" of how difficult I'm making her life an how she's such a "hassle" for me
01-09-2018 01:11 PM
The ability of teens to guilt trip us into insanity is incredible isn't it!
My 16 year old daughter does the same. About everything. I think LITERALLY they believe the world revolves around them. And if it isn't happening every minute - they strike out. At us!
We are, as their parent, one of the safest people to do that with so that's kind of a compliment right? But I hear you.....its really tough to handle what they throw at us isn't it.
Sounds like your son and daughter have very different personalities so the "currency" will not be the same nor can the expectation unfortunately. Your son is setting a great example for his sister though so good on him and good on you!
I think we can only really grin and bear it....it will pass and she will stop being as selfish as she is being. Might take another year or 2 though. In the meantime and regarding the driving issue - can she also do chores in exchange for a ride? Are there a couple of practical options that would help YOU that can give her what she wants in the long run ie a ride?
And just for perspective....we live about a 5....yes 5 min walk to my daughters school and she still hassles for a lift if its cold, hot .....you name it - but she will spend all day at a theme park during a heatwave!!
01-10-2018 01:29 AM
Thank you so much @Beingme2017! I appreciate the feed back. Nice to know that my daughter isn't the only one who does stuff like that. When she says stuff like "I think you enjoy making my life so difficult"....it stings! Good grief girl if you only know how much I've done for you. I am in second marriage blended family situation and things with her father were not great. I fought tooth and nail for all of the kids and to protect them. She did end up walking home and she wasn't in a "mood" when she got home. She even helped me walk the dogs. Sometimes I think she's testing me to see if I'll cave. (I used to cave..... A LOT) My husband and I went to a family therapist to help with the blending of the family and she was very helpful about not caving and teaching independence and not catering to their every whim etc. It's working but it's hard! have kids they said....it'll be fun they said.....ugh LOL.
thank you for your support. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
01-11-2018 10:54 PM
Hey @bradyblend, welcome to the forum. I love your username - I grew up watching the Brady Bunch, so knew immediately your family situation haha.
This sounds like it might be more common than we think! My daughter was the same when she was attending school. She had a 5 minute walk to the train station, catch the train to the next station, then a 5 minute walk to school, but demanded I drive her. She had problems with school attendance and I was always worried she wouldn't go if I didn't drive her, so parented out of fear and caved right in a lot of the time. When I didn't she'd often come home annoyed with me and carrying on.
It was always 'I'm running late!!!', 'my bag's too heavy' (she had a locker but to put her books in it after school meant she had to catch the later train that she didn't like...), 'it's hot', 'it's cold', 'it's raining', 'I'm tired' to name a few.
It's awesome that you've sought family counselling and she sounds great. It is really hard, I agree, but it does get easier over time as our kids learn that the boundaries are strong. You sound really tuned in, and I was going to say that my daughter pushes them every now and then still, and I think it is just to test them, as you said. They do arc up at first but they actually feel more secure knowing they can't manipulate the boundaries. And when homebase is loving as I can tell your is, they settle down. I'm so glad you had some bonding time walking the dogs. Those times are always special when things are rough so much of the time.
With the back chat and the guilt trips, it's so hard not to let them affect you. It's really upsetting and frustrating hearing their words that feel so unfair and mean. I can find myself getting into defending myself and trying to reason with my daughter which never ends the way I want it to - i.e her calming down, seeing the error in what she's saying, and just doing what she has to do! I've stooped to the 'when I was a kid' statements as well!! It never worked when I was a teen, so I don't know why I thought it'd work on my daughter lol.
The other night my daughter was having a meltdown, and my voice was low and firm, and I told her everything she did was a choice she made. And she had a choice now - she could choose to use her techniques and stop swearing, shouting, abusing me and throwing things, or choose the consequence (we have a pre-set consequence). She started yelling, I told her 'uh-uh, your choices are you stop yelling, swearing and abusing and throwing or the consequence. I went into my room with her shouting abuse but she chose to settle immediately after that. It really hit me how well it works to give clear choices - even if that is for your daughter the choice to get a locker, or not get a locker and choose to carry her books making her travel more uncomfortable. Or the choice to do jobs or whatever to earn lifts, or not do jobs therefore get no lifts. It's kinda hard for them to argue back when they're reminded of the given choices, therefore their actively chosen action.
I really like @Beingme2017's reply, particularly her sentence about there being different currency for your son and daughter. They're individuals so that makes total sense to me. I guess the trick is finding each one's currency. Being a mum of just one, I haven't had the sibling issues. It was reassuring reading in another thread that they do come out the other end okay, so I'm hanging on to that!
01-12-2018 12:29 PM - edited 01-12-2018 12:30 PM
@bradyblend @Beingme201 I think we all have the same daughter !! Lol My daughter and son both complain that I favour one over the other - so I know I am doing the right thing lol !!
A 15 minute walk to school is NOTHING ! My daughter wallks 25 minutes to school. it's bloody good fro her , fresh air, exercise and a good chance for her to think about her goals for the day .
I grew up in Wales , if I had said " I can't walk to school Mum because it is raining and cold " my mother would have laughed me out the door. If you don't go out in the rain in Wales, you'd never leave the house.
Coat- umbrella-scarf and gloves. She can learn to keep her books at school. On the occasion she has extra load because of a presentation then maybe I will give her a lift but this grow legs too if you are not careful.
I've heard the lot : "You are Lazy Mum " , "You favour Cynan " , I will get saturated and get sick " . " I am sick today and need support ( lol ) ' Other kids get driven to school ". ' I have so much on, I am stressed can you take me ".
Unless its a massive thunderstorm with lashing rain - she walks .
01-13-2018 02:56 AM
I get that too! "All my friends parents drive them! You're the only parent who doesn't drive" "I think you just love making me suffer. I don't know what I did that makes you want me to suffer".....Seriously?! You'd think I asked her to clean the toilets with her tooth brush. Flat out refuses to take the bus to work but she'll take the bus downtown with her friends to go shopping or "hang"......I will admit....I have put "the curse" on her. "when you grow up and have kids, I hope your daughter is just like you"......I'm pretty sure my Mom did that to me lol.
Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences with your kids. It helps so much.