Depressed and melting down 14 year old son! At a loss what to do! Tired of psychologists!

[Troubled75]

I will hopefully make some time for me to see someone soon. We are a large family and I am caring for my elderly mother-in-law also, so I feel time poor. I am happy with where I am getting my son help at present. Thank you for talking to me 😊

[Troubled75]

Hello Lizard0812 😊. So nice to be able to talk in here, I wish I had come across it years ago! I am glad to hear that your son has a good role model outside of the family... I would love that for my son! My eldest son found that in my current partner of 7 years, but my middle boy is so confused as he father guilts him about having too much time for my partner. Someone neutral, outside of the family, would give him time and friendship that doesn’t make him feel “torn loyalties”. I do try to be as loving as I can. I guess the problem I am having, especially being part of a blended family, is trying to deal with him in a way that is still setting an example to the rest of the family and that is fair! When he is being disrespectful and naughty, I have to prop him up so that the two younger girls see that it is unacceptable, but also knowing that a post- meltdown is imminent. I don’ t scream like a banshee or belt him so his meltdowns really are an over-reaction. He puts a lot of pressure on himself and self loathes. Does your son have these symptoms?Thanks for responding!

[Moggy3kids]

Hi @Troubled75

Such a tough time for you and it is so hard to see our children unsettled. 14 is such a tricky age for boys also as their hormones are playing havoc. The best advice I can give you from a parent that has had a child (16 now 17 year old boy) go through the mental health system is that often the first placement is not the right fit . It is ok to speak up and ask for a different counsellor/psychologist if you feel this one is not working. I also feel for you copping his outbursts. It sucks being on the receiving end but they do it to us as we are their safe space and I guess it is a way of them showing that everything is not ok in their world and they really don't have the skills to cope with that yet. From your last post it seems that you have a lot on your plate at the moment so it is so important to practice some self care. Even though as mums we want to fix everything , sometimes we have to accept that we just can't. How is his school? Are they on board with a plan for him?

[Schooner]

Hi @Troubled75,

My boy at 14 suffered severe depression. Two years on we are on the mend. Getting there, but not there yet.

He had some serious meltdowns, too. Times when he thought I was the worst person in the world. Angry times. Desperately sad times. Extremely anxious times. It's super tough as a parent too. Others have said it, but it's worth repeating: look after yourself. I didn't do that well enough (I thought I was OK...it creeps up on you). You can't look after him if you are not well.

So, what do I know? Not enough, but...

His outbursts may be a symptom. I learned that my sons outbursts were a cry for help. So punishment was not really appropriate. At the same time we needed to let him know that there are still boundaries. I told my son straight: that's not on, I'm putting up with it because I think you need help, but it's not acceptable. Usually I'd add a token punishment (no wifi for a couple of hours).

Medication can help - but it comes with side effects. You need a good psychiatrist for that. We discovered too that not all psychologists/psychiatrists are "good". I think more than 50% are good, in my experience. But there are also plenty that are not. Keep trying to find one that suits your son. You can actually just tell them: I don't think you are the right fit for my son. Can I get another opinion?

Write notes of his ups and downs, and keep hold of the various medical reports. It's amazing how much paper is involved, and how easy it is to loose them.

I believe in the power of a good nights sleep. No devices in the bedroom. Easier said than done, but that's the goal.

Cheers

[Troubled75]

Thank you Schooner! I am trying all of what you have suggested. We are having a good week here this week, and I wish I could have him full-time as I believe he is better here than at his dad’s. There is nothing that I can do about that though, hopefully, as my older son has, he will make his choice to be here when he is old enough. I am happy with the psychiatric help he is getting for now, will see where he is at by the time his three month review rolls around. He is very reluctant to go but I am insisting these sessions are followed through until the end.
Thanks for taking the time to share your story. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.

[Troubled75]

Hello Tom-Ro! I am getting My son help and I will be sure to get myself some when I have more time. For now, having a chat with other parents on this site is making me feel comforted. I feel like it is a drain on my partner to always be in his ear about this. Thanks for reaching out!

[lizard0812]

Hey troubled75 sorry for delay in reply life has been a rolercoaster here yet again this week. He totally does self loath and hates himself and I discovered on his phone the other night lots of things you never want to hear your child say about themselves The not knowing whether to chastise or let things go is a constant here but I loose it myself unfortunately cause I’m at the end of my rope so times I should be more sympathetic and I can’t be. He has the meltdowns before I loose it though it’s just so so hard to parent at night these times. I just want my beautiful boy back he is still there cause I see it and the fact they are hurting so much rip your heart out.

Hoping you boy is getting the help he needs as it’s ever so hard to even get them to appointments most of the time. I hope you are looking after yourself I know everybody harps on about that and I should listen to myself cause as mums we are very good at looking after others but neglect ourselves in the process. Always here to chat keep up the great work

[Erin-RO]

My heart goes out to you both @lizard0812 and @Troubled75. It's such a difficult space to be in when you are supporting a child going through such a difficult time. And yes self-care is a must but can often be overlooked when you're caring for others. I've probably said it before but always remember "you can't pour from an empty cup" so even working in really small care strategies (making time to read, have a cup of tea, meditate, go for a walk, journal) can help to recharge you