Getting partner to understand Anxiety and school refusal

[MelorMel]

I have a 13.5yr old son who is now into a second term of school refusal, he does have anxiety and is seeking support from a physcoligist (grew up in a DV environment which we are away from now) the support from his school, physcoligist GP etc. has been amazing however my partner who is usually the softest soul just can not get his head around it all and says he is just defiant and needs strict punishment and boundaries until he goes back to school. My question is how do I get him to understand? Yes there is behavioural issues but there is alot of unlying issues that cause these behaviours that I just can't get him to understand? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. PS I have invited him to discuss this with health professional but his not open to the suggestion.

[MaryRO]

Hi @MelorMel,

It's so great that you have set your son up with appropriate supports as living through family violence creates a lot of trauma and the affects, unfortunately linger on well after the family violence has stopped. It's wonderful that you understand that supporting your son to get through this is very beneficial to him and it normally takes time to see the behavioural issues decrease. Would your partner speak to the psychologist about the impacts on teens who have gone through such experiences? It might also be worth reaching out youth worker/youth service or family violence worker who can explain the behaviours in teens. Below is some information for your partner to read. It sounds like that maybe your partner might benefit from speaking to a professional who deals with young people who have been in the same situation. It might be challenging for them to understand, particularly if they haven't had the same experience.


https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/everyday-issues/things-to-try-school-and-education/h...

https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/everyday-issues/domestic-violence-and-teenagers

https://www.thewholechild.org/parent-resources/age-13-18/parenting-tips-age-13-18/domestic-violence-...

https://www.thelookout.org.au/other-professionals/responding-family-violence/family-violence-and-chi...

Would your partner attend a parenting course to try and understand your son's development after his experiences? The school may be a great resource in linking you both in to attend such programs. It might also be useful for them to get advice from Kids Helpline https://kidshelpline.com.au/ or Headspace https://headspace.org.au/. Both organizations support children and young people and may be able to provide useful information on this topic. They can also speak to a counsellor and ask questions to clarify on how to support your son.

Hopefully, this is enough information for you both and you find the support you need.

[MelorMel]

Hi MaryRo,

Thank you so much, I have asked him if he wanted to speak to the phycologist but was a clear no and I have linked in with a phycologist myself from a DV service who has suggested many strategies for me and my partner but the subject is too sensitive to implement on his behalf.
I am very greatful for the information, I think if I can show him this or even just comfortably talk about it without be defensive (which I can do) we might get somewhere. Dealing with a teenager is one thing a partner is another🤦‍♀️

[MaryRO]

HI @MelorMel, yes you are right dealing with a teenager and dealing with a partner are very different things indeed. Sometimes partners do need a bit of time to understand this kind of situation. It's great that you have also been linked in with a psychologist for yourself. I can imagine that  there would be complex behaviours would be triggering for you. You will also need to look after yourself after what has happened. Family Violence is a very traumatic for everyone involved. 

[Nonnykas]

I'm not sure where you are but I know exactly what your talking about from my hubby and both of our granddaughter parents. She lives with us. I found a program that's free through a grant that changes places if care with it once in a great while(we had family dynamics) that provides free therapy, groups camps etc for kids that need it and with our groups that we had that finally came next they have another part of their business too that isn't just therapy but they have with parents with they have we had one on one cat therapy or counseling for me and my granddaughter and how communicate better her Dad wouldn't do it unfortunately but they have so many things they're so helpful and it's called the "CHATT" grant..idk here better info.

California Office of Emergency Services to bring the Child Abuse Treatment (CHAT) grant program to Shasta County and combat the effects of trauma in youth. By providing free therapeutic counseling and advocacy to child, teens, and their non-offending family members who are victims of abuse, trauma, or neglect, this program aims to reach potential clients who have not traditionally been able to receive services due to a lack of insurance funding, transportation, or an inability to find a therapist.

[MelorMel]

Hi Nonnykas,

I am in Australia and we too have lost of support agencies so I thank you for taking the time to read and respond. What a beautiful Grandparent you are to provide not only care for you grandchild but love and support. It's a long road but as I can gather from you, your not one to give up easily either. I wish you all the best x