Internet Access suggestions for defiant teenager

[Hootbayne]

Thanks for your comments JAKGR8, I am gathering as much information as I can if I have any success or see anything worth sharing will do.

Take care
Wayne

[Worrisome]

Kids are lazy. My daughter too used to urinate in her room.  My husband took the door off for a day and told her she has to earn the right to privacy.  It's a hard one regarding the internet.  I think this is a serious issue that our service providers need to address.  We turn our internet off at night and our daughter cannot turn it on without our knowledge. However I feel in your partners case this would not work, as they would bully her until she turns it on.  

[Hootbayne]

Thank you Worrisome, I do like your husbands idea re the door, ours is a Government Rental but provided we put it back in the same state as it was it may be worth trying. Appreciate your comments.

Regards Wayne

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Hootbayne,

How are things going? You mentioned that you've saved some responses, have you had a chance to try them out yet?

Best of luck!

[Hootbayne]

His Jay-RO,

thanks for asking, sadly regardless of what we try he remains defiant, yesterday I had cause to turn off just his connection as he continued to scream and use foul language. He has recently suggested I buy a 10 bedroom house and have us at opposite ends of the room so I cannot hear him, then yesterday he was telling me how much he hates me, and was asking why can't we just close doors asking can't I even swear. I would suggest he has lost the plot but if the truth be known he has always been difficult. The people we continue to see continue to tell us he is affected by trauma, but there is not one specialist who has been able to identify what the trauma is. They say just the constant moving around is trauma, but it does seem a stretch that moving a few times would have such a profound impact. He is still telling me that if I do not increase his 4 hour daily limit he will refuse to go to school, but that is simply an excuse as I think he has gotten himself so worked up that he is now too scared to go. If I have any success I will happily share. Cheers Wayne

[Erin-RO]

It sounds like you really are trying everything you can @Hootbayne. I have noticed that when parents put in place a new boundary or plan there seems to be a bit of an escalation of the behaviours to try and test out how far things can be pushed. I hope things settle down soon for you all and in the meantime, how are you looking after yourself? Are there any self-care or support strategies you could put in place for yourself? I can only imagine how exhausted you must be!

[Hootbayne]

Thanks Erin-RO, in some ways I am lucky as I return to the city to work each Monday morning thus leaving my poor partner to face the music. The people we have been seeing have been trying to equip us with how to deal with things as the boy refuses to attend the sessions, so the sessions are a bit back to front, but that is our lot and we deal; with it as best as we can. Thanks for your supportive comments. Regards Wayne

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Hootbayne it sounds like you are able to get some down time once you return to work each Monday which is good. It must be hard for your partner but at the same time I'm sure she appreciates the support you have been giving. That must be so difficult that he is refusing to attend sessions. I'm wondering what strategies they have provided and if you are finding it helpful? We're here to listen and support you. 

[Hootbayne]

Lan-Ro, I (we) appreciate your comments.

There is far more than I have shared, my partner was in a bad relationship, with a mentally abusive (not physically abusive) partner. Finally with assistance they got away, but it did mean they had to leave all their worldly possessions behind (as little as what they had in the first place). There is a lot more but won't go into it now.

Many organisations have endeavoured to help.

My partner is not strong by nature and finds it easier to let him have access and thus have peace and quiet, but there are no one that agree with this.

He became so bad that even she started to take his devices aor turn the internet off.

Sadly she tells me today she has made an agreement with him if he goes to school, then he can have the internet until midnight on non school nights, as all she wants him to do is to ghostwrited to school.

Some of the things they have shared include breathing techniques, circle of trust, providing her funds to purchase a basketball ring and he was told to go outside when he is angry.

She is Asian and although she has been in Australia around 7 years and the boys 5 years, her English is not strong, but recently they have been using interpreters and this has helped her understand what they are saying a little better.

The problem there is that the boys now only understand and speak perfect English and she finds it hard communicating when the eldest boy is argumentative.

Some of the sessions we have attended have shown us that there are plenty with far worse problems than ours, but my biggest worry is that both boys need to catch up to enable them to take advantage of the chances that are there for them should they so wish.

The 13 year old boy is not only sweet, but also never misses school, does well in classes, is loving etc. etc. he loves the town they live in and is in most ways the totally opposite to the elder boy.

[gina-Ro]

@Hootbayne  Thank you for sharing more of the context with us - sounds like a lot of different factors and things going impacting the current situation. 

Glad to hear that there are some supports involved such as other services, and interpreting - these things can help. The language barrier must make communication so difficult for your partner. 

The strategies that you've learnt from the sessions, and the perspective sound all really positive! 

As does the behaviour and attitude of the 13 yo. 

I think its really understandable to worry about the opportunities that they may be missing out on in the future - but it sounds like taking it one step at a time, is a bit more of a helpful way to think about things at the moment? 

Have you ever had a direct conversation about all of this with the older son and his thoughts on what might help?