Hi,
I too have gone thru this with my daughter. We first moved to California from Nebraska (where my daughter attended the same school from 1st thru 5th grade). Everyone loved her, she had friends, she was an excellent reader and writer. She never wanted to miss school.
Then her father had (another) episode and up and left after being together for 20 years and being with both our children their entire life.
That's when we moved out here to California.
So, I enrolled her (at the time she was going into 6th grade. That didn't last long. I actually ended up stepping down from my position of Assistant Manager that I'd been for almost 4 years due to getting calls from the school because of a bullying situation that I knew nothing about. I tried other things but decided I needed to find other work that would allow me to be home with her more so that I could accommodate her needs.
So, I did (which I hated doing), but long story short, we tried homeschooling and I did everything I could to get through that. But it left her and me here at the house without the social part of a school, and that didn't go so well. She got to where she just wouldn't do the work. So, after the summer break, I got an interdistrict transfer and we tried a different school. Well, she liked the school, and was doing good, but 2 weeks into this new school, a fluke thing happened. In the morning and right when the bell rang, a boy, just out of the blue called her name and caught her off guard handing her something. Well, that something turned out to be a knife (and we still don't know why he did this), however,he sped off to get to his class, and she had a knife in her hand, and what she should've done at that point (she knows now) is go into the office to turn the knife in. However, she was caught off guard and ended up putting it in her backpack (said she would locate him after class or at some point and return the knife), but before this happened, she mentioned what had happened to another girl in class, and the girl ended up unzipping the little compartment on my daughters backpack (it was on the floor and she had walked over to talk with another classmate). This girl took the knife out and actually brandished it at another student. I received a call, and they were suspending my daughter and you can imagine my surprise when I was told why.
We ended up beating the case, (shemade a wrong decision by not turning the knife into the office, so she has a "possession" charge on her record) however, they suspended her, then extended it as they were going to expell her because the other girl lied and said my daughter had brandished this knife). She did not, and with testimonies from other children, proved our case, so "we won" if that's what you want to call it. With the suspension and the extension, they made her miss a total of 22 days of not going to school, not allowed on school grounds, etc.
And when she was allowed to return, she did the best ever. All of her work was 100% and having A's on the actual work, but it was a failure waiting to happen, because she could never get caught up from what she missed while on this suspension. 8 classes times 22 days, even if she only had one assignment per class overdue (which she didn't) it was almost impossible, so she returned and was doing the best ever, but because she was on an interdistrict transfer, e then received a notice that they were revoking it due to her missing assignments and poor overall grade due to this entire situation, even though every one of her assignments that were turned in after returning was 100%'s A's.
I couldn't believe this. This was only two weeks in this school. Well, you can imagine what this did.
So, basically by now, she had done no 6th grade, and here in California, they put children in the grades according to their age. Doesn't matter if they failed the previous year. and this last school was her 7th-grade year.
Bottom line, the remainder of that year was spent with me looking and calling around trying to locate a school that would take her, however, with this weapon charge on her record now, that wasn't easy, on top of that trying to find employment for me at the same time due to me resigning from the original position.
So basically now, no 6th or 7th grade, and then comes 8th grade, and she has changed due to having more time, and then the social media and phone thing and her maturing, etc, so I discovered Independent Study, and told her no one can make her go to this school. She goes because she wants to, and she can do it her way, etc. She agreed.
But now, I've just been dealing with, (after going thru all of this to find something that will work for her) we get the computer needed to do her assignments, but seems that she either watches videos on it, or looks things up, etc but not doing schoolwork.
Then she had access to a card (my mother did this) to where she can order a Lyft driver to take her places and guess what? Now it seems like my awesome little girl is now a grown up (she thinks) and can do pretty much what she wants, and came in for 2 days in a row now, and I've discovered that she now has a tattoo.
Go me.
She is now also at a point where she has gotten quiet, staying in her room, until she's ready to go somewhere and come to tell me she's leaving.
I'm not a great disciplinary person, and when I do discipline, I do it trying to be productive, as in writing assignments, etc. (when they were growing up).
So, now, I feel like I've been robbed of some very important years with my daughter, and with me having to look for employment and dealing with this school situation, on top of recovering and being in survival mode from her father and moving, etc etc, being the sole responsible one, I have lost the closeness we once had and I feel her slipping away. She is 14 and will turn 15 in January. I don't want us to be like this and I never imagined her not getting her education and attending school like what has happened.
I love her to death and want to help her, but want to pull out of this whole ordeal and make changes to have a healthier relationship, but also for her to keep a mindset for wanting to finish school.
Thanks for letting me get that out there.
From what you've said, it seems like everything was starting to get on track until your daughter's behaviour changed? It appears as though you are noticing the distance between you.. and the fact that she is seemingly doing what she wants.. is that right? Have you ever thought about talking to a professional about this? This age can be a difficult period for adolescence where they are trying to find themselves and individualise. You both have been through so much and I can only imagine how stressful and tiring it must have been. You mention not being a very disciplinary person, are you struggling to know how to best handle this situation with your daughter? Please keep us updated and thanks for sharing 
