My daughter is almost 17 in a couple of weeks and wants alcohol at her party.

[Lidya]

Hi my daughter is almost 17 in a couple of weeks. She wants to have a party at home. We explained that's fine but limited number of people and no alcohol. So, that's no good: apparently everybody allows alcohol in the parties. I honestly am not keen to that.

[Lily17 · Accepted solution]

Yep, everyone has alcohol meaning whom?? If everyone jumped off a bridge because everyone allowed it then apparently that's ok too..

Your teen has a choice. They adore having choices!! You gave her the option, she didn't like it so, no party.

You will find that many parents are totally on your side - it's not really about her drinking it's the rest that can have the issues..

Stick with your guns.. You are the adult and apart from trying to make us feel guilty, we do know better. Good luck.

[Ngaio-RO · Accepted solution]

So sorry @Lidya and @Lily17 I moved your posts because I wanted everyone to see this as I think it's such an important topic.

Alcohol at a 17-year-old's party is always a tough one. They are so close to being allowed to drink and they often have 18-year-old friends.

When my eldest turned 17 I said no across the board too.  It wasn't hugely popular but I knew it was my last opportunity to do it, so I did. My argument was:

• it's illegal for you to drink
• it's illegal for me to provide alcohol to under 18 year old (fine can be as high as $20,000)
• this aligns with my feelings about alcohol. as in, you don't need it to have fun.

I know other parents do it differently and I know some provide alcohol in a really responsible way, so I have zero judgement around that. i just wanted to let you know that at least one parent here did that too.

[Lily17 · Accepted solution]

Yep, everyone has alcohol meaning whom?? If everyone jumped off a bridge because everyone allowed it then apparently that's ok too..

Your teen has a choice. They adore having choices!! You gave her the option, she didn't like it so, no party.

You will find that many parents are totally on your side - it's not really about her drinking it's the rest that can have the issues..

Stick with your guns.. You are the adult and apart from trying to make us feel guilty, we do know better. Good luck.

[Ngaio-RO · Accepted solution]

So sorry @Lidya and @Lily17 I moved your posts because I wanted everyone to see this as I think it's such an important topic.

Alcohol at a 17-year-old's party is always a tough one. They are so close to being allowed to drink and they often have 18-year-old friends.

When my eldest turned 17 I said no across the board too.  It wasn't hugely popular but I knew it was my last opportunity to do it, so I did. My argument was:

• it's illegal for you to drink
• it's illegal for me to provide alcohol to under 18 year old (fine can be as high as $20,000)
• this aligns with my feelings about alcohol. as in, you don't need it to have fun.

I know other parents do it differently and I know some provide alcohol in a really responsible way, so I have zero judgement around that. i just wanted to let you know that at least one parent here did that too.

[Lidya]

Hi I am very grateful for the support that you are giving me just now!!! I feel that I am not alone!!!

I will follow my instincts and try not to feel soooo guilty!

[Zoesplace]

@Lidya my 17 year old daughter has been to parties and "gatherings" with alcohol - I do not agree with her drinking, but it is easily supplied by other kids and even other parents. Apart from it being illegal, I have seen how quickly things can get out of hand. Due to social media, you will find that kids today are friends with a wide variety of other kids from different schools and ages. The parties with alcohol that my daughter has been to have had kids as young as 14 drinking! Often no food has been provided, so the kids are drinking mixed double shot drinks, and not eating and most of them do not have the maturity or knowledge to know how it will affect them until they find themselves being sick or passed out.  You will also not know if other parents have given their kids permission to drink, so I think it is safer option saying "No". I would not want the responsibility of caring for a group of under age kids drinking - but I am surprised at how many 16 year old birthday parties my daughter has been invited too, which are hosted by parents that allow the kids to drink.

[Lidya]

Hi Zoesplace, yes I agree. My daughter went to a party where parents allowed to have alcohol. She said that peer pressure is so bad that it would be better if she had a drink (provided by me). After many days of deliberation among my daughter, husband and myself, we decided to give her one single drink.

The fact was I normally don't drink, and if I do it would be in a dinner or special occasion. We normally do not drink. So I was not very familiar with these cruises etc, and I bought a UDL (lemon and vodka). We tasted together at dinner and we even didn't finish the can. 

Then I was explaining my daughter that because we drank water in between, we had food etc. the effect of alcohol was reduced, but still is in our system. The party 's date was coming and my daughter did not decided what I supposed to buy for that party.  At the end I went to this liquor store and bought rum and cola. I did not know that this was not a good option. I am totally ignorant in this level. Anyway It worked well for me, my daughter told me she had a sip and it was soo yuck!! that she did not drink at all!!. 

The thing is she saw people that was vomiting, and so wasted that it was not good.

She has gone to other parties now, and she does not ask me for a drink, she also has learned that there are other kids that don't drink, some of them are designated drivers, etc.

But I agree I would not host a party with alcohol.  It's not me, that is what I try to explain to her. It hurts that she does not see the point clearly, she prefers not to have the party, at the end of the day is her choice, but as I said it hurts.

[Lidya]

Hi there are even adults, aunties or parents of my daughter's acquaintances that had told her that they let her have her party in their place!! This is just ridiculous!! 

[taokat]

Hi @Lidya, thank you for your post. 

My daughter is only 15. We offered her a sip of wine at my Dad's birthday and she turned her nose up, which was great. Still she is only young, so I don't know what the future will bring. 

As I'm not where you're at yet, I can only offer empathy and support to you. Maybe it was the best thing you did buying her the rum?! Her hating it was a fantastic thing, and a great lesson for her to learn that she can enjoy parties without drinking. 

These are hard days to navigate, and I think listening to your gut is a good thing. You're clearly wanting the best for your daughter.

Can I clarify - are other family members and kids parents offering to host the party for your daughter instead? 

[Lidya]

Yes, this is what she said to me. We are new in the state, therefore I do not have the benefit of knowing everybody.
I am knowing new things everyday, but I am on top of my daughter. For example, If she is invited for a sleepover I always try to contact the adult in charge. My daughter insists that 'here" they don't use to do that. My response is "I do that so they will have to put up with me".
We don't argue anymore about it, because she knows I would ask for an address and telephone number, and contact the parents.
I think that "the kids offered her to have the party", but she stated that "her auntie's friend offered her place"...
That is why I have just booked my first session to learn how to manage this kind of situation

[taokat]

Good on you! I think knowing our kids are going to be where they say they will be is important. And well done for sticking to your guns, as your daughter has obviously learned that you mean what you say and say what you mean which is awesome. 

And congrats on signing up for the coaching! I have no doubt you will get some valuable help. I have done it, and they work with your specific situation, so it's personally tailored which is great. 

I'm with you - ridiculous if there are adults offering to host her party after she declined your offer. That would be really frustrating. You are most likely right about it just the kids talking (hopefully!). Teens love to try the guilt trip by 'comparing' us to other parents. 

Let us know how you go with the coaching. Oh, and welcome to the forum too by the way!