Garr! If I tried asking my teen if she was ok, her head would rotate 360 degrees and I would be incinerated on the spot. The problem is, so much is happening at any one time for these kids, it's like being on a roller coaster ride. Without the ability to see the twists and turns coming up. Some teens think they 'should' be ok so they will answer thus. Others are not self reflective enough to give an answer. Yet others will be suspicious of your reason for asking. Exhausted, frazzled and busy parents will get an automatic -sure, why wouldn't I be? I have asked the question one day to find the next day is completely different.
After raising two girls already with a third girl now 16 and suffering from a chronic, severe anxiety condition, I can only recollect what works for me when I try to touch base with each of them.
The eldest girl, between 16 and 18 years barely spoke to us. She hissed and growled at her sisters. There was a lot of grunting, eye rolling and disdainful looks.
Her best friend's parents didn't believe me when I described her behavior at home.
Put her in the passenger side of a car, and no sisters in the back, drive for 15 minutes at least, and she would tell me everything! What she needed was opportunity. And no face to face!
Second dughter told me way more than I ever wanted to know. I was given details, blow by blow intricacies of teenage life and relationships. I'm still suffering from the effects.
The 16 year old, doesn't know from moment to moment sometimes. We have had suicidal lows, foggy disinterest, beautifully delightful times and out of control angry times.
During the tough times, I use my mental checklist.
Is she sleeping, eating, drinking? I don't ask her, or confront her, I observe.
Does she join us at the table, lounge, garden or wherever we are gathered for any amount of time, or is she avoiding us?
Does she yell at the dog when I let her into the teen's room, or welcome her with cuddles and pats? (My dog can do as many gross and annoying things as she likes, I'm pretty sure my Chillidawg has saved my daughter from self harm many times)
Can I engage her interest when yabbering on about people we know, events, news or whatever.
When I ask her if she would like to spend time with me on Thursday or whenever, watching a movie or some such and she gives a yes answer or 'I can't mum, I'm doing something with Blahblah'. That's great.
Kids with plans are looking forward.
My sure fire way of touching base with all of them was to confess a worry, problem or difficulty and ask them for their opinion, help or insight. Seeing their parent struggling with something makes you appear more approachable. I'll tell the teen I went out to the shops with my jumper inside out, or that I have hurt feelings from something, and they are more likely to confide when they are feeling lousy.
Three girls, three very different approaches- occasional success!
For all three though, being available, quiet and calm was the only real circumstances that worked in our favor. Being there, is not the same as being available and approachable.
Sincerely though, if they genuinely want to hide how they are from you, no approach will work.
